about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

What exactly did you say to your DD to make her cry?

YANBU to worry.
YANBU to hope they wait to get to know each other on "normal terms" instead of "holiday terms"

YABU to judge how she spends her spare time.
YABU to think that you somehow have a right to control your adult DD, which is how you're coming across. She's going to do what she likes with or without you, so you're better off working with her (e.g. did you ask her why she wants to marry before uni ends? You don't say whether it's "marriage in a month" or in a year or so)

YANBU BUT you need to play the long game a bit here. You do know that tellling her it is wrong will only make her more determined, don't you?
I speak as a woman who got married at 18 and stayed in that marriage, even though he was abusive, to prove to people that it would last. It was only when I grew up enough to realise how stupid that was that I left.
Wish her well, advise her to spend time together before they rush headlong in to marriage and help plan it if the time comes and you have to.

i got engaged to DP when I was 19 - 19 years later and we are still together very happily. However YWNBU to to advise her to take her time getting married.

It could be worse. She could have rolled up and announced she was pregnant. She's playing at being grown up. All you can do is nod and smile, hope it blows over. Most engagements don't make it as far as the alter. Just be there to pick up the pieces when it invariably goes pear shaped.

I got engaged to DH when I was 18 and my parents were fuming which upset me a lot.

Being a parent myself now I can see both sides of this now so I understand why you and your DD are upset. IMO They won't get married any time soon no matter what they say so just smile, buy a bottle of champagne and a card and wait and see what happens.

If you make it so clear you don't approve you run the risk of pushing her away and then she won't come to you for help and support if the relationship does breakdown or even making her determined to stick it out.

For what it's worth DH and I didn't marry until we were 25 having graduated with firsts and established good careers. DD arrived when we were 32 so it isn't as if getting engaged at 18 made us rush into situations that aren't easily reversed if needs be.

Hope things work out and I do sympathise with how you are feeling.

How is she going to pay for a wedding as a student?

I don't think the long distance thing will be a problem, they won't see much of each other until they finish F2, even if they are working in the same hospital.

Tell her you are happy she is with a nice person but you have reservations because she hasn't started work yet and things will change a lot over the next few years. Offer to help pay for the wedding if she waits until after f2.

I married at 19 having only known my husband for three weeks i knew he was the one im now thitry and we have two wonderful children,
age has no real relevence if hes the one, if shes happy be happy for her its a tough world butjust a tad easier if you can share it with the one you love

Age isn't important, the long distance thing is but that's her choice and really not your business. People get very judgypants in these situations but it's her choice and if you don't support her one way or another you'll lose her. This is coming from me who faced maximum ridicule when I got engaged at 17. That was nearly 13 years ago and he's still there next to me (currently snoring his head off). We've been together longer than a lot of the sanctimonious bastard couples that took the piss or yelled when we got engaged. Not that I like sitting on my high horse/soap box!! It's her choice, not yours, just support her on this one, who she chooses to marry as an adult is something you cannot do anything about

I got engaged at 19 but didn't get married till I was 25. DH and I are together nearly 11 years and very very happy.

You assuming that she doesn't know her own mind is very insulting to her and isn't going to help make her see your point of view. It might be a bad idea but all you can do is support her so that if it does go wrong she feels she can come to you about it.

Talk to her again, say you have reservations but that's only because you're a mum and you love her and worry about her, but really you're dead chuffed for her and you'll help her whatever way you can. That way she'll be far more likely to tell you if she has reservations later on and you will be able to advise her.

I got engaged at twenty and we are still happily married nearly seven years and two kids later. I understand your reservations about them not having lived together but, having done a mixture of long distance and living together with my now DH, it isn't necessarily always a bad thing. Be there for her now - after all don't we all only have a fifty percent chance of making our marriages survive? Also when my DH and I got a negative reaction from his sister about being engaged it only made me more determined to get married sooner.

Another young marrier here. Ten years on we are even happier if that's possible. I appreciate young relationships don't tend to last, but put yourself in her shoes, she's in love and legally an adult.

Is she planning on having a long engagement? When the BF is finished Uni are they going to live together first? If I was you I wouldn't mind the actual engagement, but would be encouraging them to commit to each other in other ways first, like seeing what it's really like to live together.

Sit down and ask her what sort of wedding she wants. If it's the whole shebang then these things book years in advance anyway. And how is she going to pay for the wedding? Encourage her to put her practical head on and realise how long it's going to take to save and plan.

I'd be more worried about the fact they've never really been together over a prolonged period and have always been in "holiday mode" than their ages. When do they say they intend to marry? A few people I knew at university married whilst students, or shortly after graduating (including me). There dont seem to have been any more break ups in those marriages than in ones who left it later tbh.

I got engaged at 22, so slightly older, but my mums immediate reaction was 'I thought you had more sense than to do something like that' and that really hurt me. I love my mum, but I will always remember that reaction to my happiness. We are still together 9 years later by the way, and still happy.

If she is almost 20, that means she will likely be 21/22 when she gets married, which is a pretty standard age really. Even being really old fashioned, that would see them having babies in their mid twenties, which isn't exactly a big deal, and I bet they will wait a while because of their careers.

If they are mature enough to be doing medicine, they will be fine.

Is it maybe that it feels strange that your DD is growing up?

Worst case scenario is she ends up getting divorced, and if it is such a casual relationship that they shouldn't be getting married, then it won't matter. If it is a serious relationship, then she will be heartbroken anyway, so again getting married wouldn't change that.

I wish her the best :) She is hardly a gymslip bride.

I see why you're worried OP, but agree with everyone that you should work with her where possible.

JumpingThroughHoops she's not playing at being grown up, at nearly 20 she is grown up, and the situation will probably go best if she is treated as such.

I was engaged at 19, married at 20 (medical student). Divorced at 24 swearing blind I would never marry again (exH being a selfish twonk who thought I would "give up that medicine nonsense" once married and settle down to make a home for him).

She's not too young to be making such a major life decision as all the success stories above show. However they both have an exceptionally hard slog ahead. On the plus side nobody understands all the stress, exams, etc quite like another med student (among similar students of that age).

You aren't being unreasonable to be cautious (less than thrilled) but you probably are being unreasonable if you show it quite so obviously. If she wants to marry him she will do and it's much easier to admit mistakes, swallow pride and lean on your family if it all goes to custard when they were lovingly supportive throughout.

Suggest she leaves any idea of children until after all postgrad exams are out of the way though.

tell her you'll pay for the wedding after they graduate?

yabu to make her feel this way - she needs your support doing a difficult degree. And a long distance relationship is no worse for her studies than a local relationship.

Can they afford to get married? My DS is slightly older and a student and he certainly can't - we are still supporting him.
I would suggest they live together first.

Another young marrier here - got engaged at 18, married at 20 - been married for almost 6 years now. I carried on with university, graduated etc in spite of this.

I know you think she is making a mistake but I think you have to keep quiet. My family (mum in particular) caused no end of hurt in the run up to our wedding and although it is far from the only reason, I would say it's probably a factor in us being estranged now. Comments from my mum like "I'd say congratulations but I don't mean it" certainly didn't help.

Admittedly she is a toxic nightmare and fairly narcissistic and you almost certainly aren't, but it is perfectly possible that your DD will make a go of this, settle down and end up having children with this man and you don't want there to be a situation where she feels you don't approve of their family. So smile, say congratulations and be there for her whatever the outcome is.

YABU. Me and DP got engaged when I was 20. I got pregnant at 20. And now at 21 (22 on Wednesday) we are planning to get married.

Btw you don't need a lot of money to get married. Me and DP are going to the register office and going the pub after with all out family and friends.

Have they actually set a date or made plans for a wedding? Some couples stay 'engaged' for years! (and some of those end up never getting married in the end anyway).

There's nothing necessarily wrong with having a long-distance relationship. DH and I were in this situation for 3-4 years, before we got married, it's just how things work out for some couples especially when you're studying and/or estabilshing your career. We did live together for some time before getting married, admittedly, and personally I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way. But it's not essential!

The wedding planning needn't affect their studies. I got married during my PhD and it was fine. I'm sure they're capable of managing their time and workload, and it's their responsibility to do so anyway.

I can understand your concerns, but still feel a bit sad for your daughter that your reaction to her happy news was a negative one.

I got engaged at 19, married at 20. My dad told me "you are far too young and I'm not happy!" did I listen? No!

15 years down the line, we're happy and been married for nearly 14 years and 2 kids.

Well it's her decision, but i reckon I'd be the same as you!

I hate the 'too young' shite.

Our grandparents were getting married and having babies at 20. I don't understand the problem.

Weeeeelllll....I was engaged at 19 (met him at 15) & married at 20.

This year we celebrated 18yrs of marriage. It can work. Sometimes you have to let adults make their own choices & support them if it falls flat! I do believe it that we only learn from our mistakes & how can we make them if no one lets us.

I don't blame her for being upset, my mum said to me (when I told her I was engaged) that he was only after me for my money (laughable, as I had less than he did) & it ruined the mood for days. Even now I look back on that time & remember what she said & yes, it did spoil the day & the news & tbh, still smarts now that she couldn't even raise a small (even if false) smile for me. We haven't actually spoken since a couple of months after that, while that incident was a factor, it was the start of me seeing her for who she really was.