about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

I agree with others that say it feels wrong to be talking about her like she's a little girl when she is legally an adult and as I said, obviously quite intelligent.

I had two school friends who were best friends in high school and then started a relationship in college, coincidentally they both studied medicine at separate unis, got engaged during their studies and married within a year of graduation. They are besotted with each other and actually they are no different now than when they first got together - because they were both very mature 18 year olds.

Age is not an indicator of maturity or ability to form mature life choices. My brother was more mature at 16 than I am now.

I get confused when people assume a committed relationship/marriage means not having fun.
When my DD tells me of her friend who's had hell over a one night stand where it turned out the bloke was filming the whole thing, then playing the field doesn't always sound so fun.

In fact all the young couples I know seem pretty sorted with travels and jobs, I wouldn't say that was wasting their lives.

When you say your FFs fiance is overseas are we talking England/Ireland or further afield? Separate unis will mean they have to have their own independent lives with friends and housemates which is a positive thing.

DH proposed to me when we were 18, but we kept it secret and did not officially get 'engaged' until we were 21, specifically because we knew what the reaction would have been by everyone at such a young age. You can't control how old you are when you meet 'the one', we knew it was right, we got married at 22 and will have been married 22 years this year, although I would not want the same for my own dcs - if they make such an announcement, I would encourage them to travel and have fun before settling down, and hopefully have a decent amount of money behind them before they get married. It has been a struggle for us, but everything we have we have achieved for ourselves; we both did graduate qualifications in our 30s which was a hard slog with children, but we are happy and if we had not done it and walked away from each other, we would have always thought 'what if'. My advice to you is don't panic too much, be pleased for them, but encourage them to be realistic and consider everything they want to achieve in life before making a hasty decision. They are young, but if they really love each other they have the rest of their lives together, so take it slowly and enjoy life and each other for a while.

I'd support her with it is she's happy and it's what she wants. There's no reason why it shouldn't work out ok.

People who marry young ( I was 20 btw - and pregnant so extra stress, we've now been married 15 years) either grow up together or they grow apart. As the parent of the bride there is very little you can do to influence the outcome.The father of a friend told me 'at some point you have to let them go and hope to hell you've bought them up right' This is your time to let her go and start hoping.
Just let her know you love her, you want her to be happy and you'll walk over hot coals for her. If anything in her ife ever goes wrong, you'll be there. When things go right you'll be there cheering.
And start looking at hats. It can take years to find the right one...........

I got engaged at 19. Finally hot married at 26! 18 years and 4 sons later we're still happy.

I find it strange as well that people assume being married means you can't 'have fun', travel, focus on your career etc.

Having children obviously would have a much bigger effect on those things, but marriage doesn't necessarily mean immediately starting trying for a baby (lots of couples are married for years before they have their first child) and many people these days have children before/without marriage anyway.

I feel sorry for you, Jemmyjem, because I know how wonderful it is when your kids get married and have children at what you also feel is the right time for them, and you can just enjoy it wholeheartedly with them.

I deprived my own mother of this delight by doing something similar to your daughter, but younger, and I feel very sorry about it, for her.

However, it is your daughter's life and tbh, whether she gets married or not isn't actually that important imo. What really will change her life is if she has children at a young age, before she qualifies, for example. And even then it's not the end of the world - she would get a child and you would get a lovely grandchild.

There is a lot that is really great about your daughter's situation. Her boyfriend is the same age and it sounds like they have the maturity to keep a relationship going at a distance. For the last two years, at a time when other parents worry about their daughters travelling abroad alone, meeting unsuitable men, being in danger, you have known that she is protected by her friendship with this boy. They will grow up together and they will have their friendship to cushion them against whatever life throws at them.

I think the only thing you can do is try to think positively about it, for your own sake. Your daughter is being unfair expecting you to be overjoyed, and I wouldn't hide your feelings from her, but nor would I refer to them again unless she does. I would stay in the role that she has put you in and go through the motions as required, with as good a grace as you can muster. And if you feel yourself getting caught up in the excitement of it all, I would relax and enjoy that too, without thinking too much about the future.

I hope you have a partner who you can confide in, or a friend, because that helps too. And of all the awful things our children can do to us, this is not the worst, not by a long chalk!

To further add we have travelled a lot and had some amazing adventures in our years together and what's more is that we have enjoyed these experiences together not separately which I think matters a lot.

Dh worked in a bar at a golf club when we met, now he's a financial controller for a multi million pound company. I supported him through his studies and he is doing the same for me now. We have changed and grown as people and are more together than ever because we have so many shared experiences and so much in common.

We were also given the "it'll last two weeks" treatment by a lot of friends and family. Our marriage has outlasted an awful lot of the naysayers.

Young doesn't always equal immature.

Northernlurker is spot on, imo!

I can see why you'd be upset.

It's not the age at which she's got engaged that would bother me, it would be the fact they haven't spent any "real" time together and are in a long-distance relationship.

Having said that, if they have a long engagement and do actually live together before marrying then they will either realise it won't work and split, or realise it will work and marry for the right reasons.

I think your reaction is natural but be careful because my parents also questioned my decision to get engaged and it is hugely hurtful and not something you can really forget (not that I hold a grudge!).

I think you need to separate out her age and the long distance issue and think about if there are any reasons particular to their relationship which concern you. If not I don't really see the problem. They are both doing medicine which means they understand the long training they are both facing and can presumably support each other with that - I'm not sure why you see marriage as a distraction? I find marriage very grounding and supportive and it may well be great for your DD to be in a supportive marriage pursuing the same goals. I married at 23 (engaged 21) during my PhD which DH was also doing which was great. I also have friends who married at 21 whilst both doing medicine. They are an amazing couple and have spent their 20's pursuing their careers and battling infertility and seem to be each others rock through it all.

Try and be supportive!

Having been with my (now dh) since we were 14 and getting engaged at 19 (long distance - people saying we're too young) I can honestly say has been the best thing ever we're just as much in love and have a wonderful dd and family life yet still maintain our lives as we want but together and compromise
I don't think you have to be a certain age to love someone and know you love them.

Just to add though - we did move in together at 18 so didn't just have 'holiday' time before getting married/engaged.

I got engaged a month after I turned 18. I moved in with him around the same time, and then we got married when I was 20 (DH is older than me) We're still married and very happy a few years on.

We're less tied down than we would be if we had kids or were single. We can go away wherever and whenever we want. We can go on days and nights out etc. We have loads of freedom. So I don't really understand the "go out and have fun before you settle down" attitude.

Why not just try and be happy for her and if it does go wrong, be there for her. She is an adult and she needs to find her own way in the world.

DH was my first and only bf (and I his too :0) we met at college at 17 and knew within 1-2 months we wanted to get married, got engaged at 18, married at 21 when the council finally gave us a house and have now been together 12 years married for 8 years and have ds 4.7 and dd 2.2 and couldn't be much happier xXx

DH was my first and only bf (and I his too :o) we met at college at 17 and knew within 1-2 months we wanted to get married, got engaged at 18, married at 21 when the council finally gave us a house and have now been together 12 years married for 8 years and have ds 4.7 and dd 2.2 and couldn't be much happier xXx

Ooops sorry, it didn't appear to post the first time

If my daughter lives to be 19 and choses to get married at that age or younger I'll be THRILLED!

I got engaged at 19 and married at 20 - we were studying together, and were married for our final year (on the same course!) which folk found amusing and delightful in equal measure. 12 years later we are very happy. We didn't think about starting a family until we had been married 10 years: we wanted to pursue our careers, build our lives first etc.

I honestly don't think there's a correlation between marrying young (20 isn't that young anyway) and a failed marriage, or failing to fulfill your potential....

It depends what type of engagement this is. If it is a display of their commitment (and these things are important in a long distance relationship) rather than an intention to marry immediately than I wouldn't worry.

Not knowing your daughter or her fiancee or their relationship to say if it is 'too soon'

I think your response is very understandable, but also tough on your DD.

Now you've done it, you can't take it back. So maybe do her the courtesy of putting it in context for her? It's obviously been a shock you weren't expecting. TBH - and it might be good to tell her this - you are in good company with many parents of older adult children. Lots of people have bittersweet emotions about their children getting married. For you it is coming sooner than you thought.

She isn't planning to go to the registry office tomorrow, so I think you will only make her feel she has something to prove if you suggest she may change how she feels.

FWIW, I was engaged when I was 18. It did not last - but it provided me with some emotional stability that, in retrospect, I really appreciate. I still know the bloke and he is a good, solid support. It can be really positive IMO, even if it doesn't work out.

Good luck - make yourself a good strong cuppa and sit down to talk to her!

Sorry YABU. I met DH when I was 18, engaged at 19, married at 21 and 25 years later we are still happy. She is an adult, let her make her own decisions.

Six of my closest friends all got engaged at 19, and married at about 22/23 to their university sweethearts. All of them are now divorced. Three are onto their third husbands now!!

My grandma's generation all got married at this age, and all stayed together. My parents got together at 23, and are still together 40+ years later.

However, they didn't live in a generation of 'wanting it all', the internet, mobile phones, it still being acceptable to go out clubbing in your late 20s/early 30s (and later!). I think it is a lot harder now to resist temptation, and not be curious about what you might have missed out on. (probably nothing, but ALL of my friends said that's what led to their marriage breakdowns).

I think I'd be very wary too of being thrilled about a 19year old getting married. Much too young in my opinion. However, she is legally an adult, and there is not much you can do about it unfortunately. So tough as it is, you're probably best to smile, and just be there for her IF something doesn't go to plan. My 22 year old friend has just finished with her long term boyfriend because she realised she was only getting engaged/planning long term future etc because everyone else was doing it, and she felt it was the normal next step. She woke up one morning and suddenly went 'what am I doing?!'. So you never know, they might just cool things down.

OR they might be happily married 50 years from now. Who knows?! :)