about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

I was in a long distance relationship with dh for 10 years between the ages of 19 and 29, and that was in the days before skype/cheap telephone calls/cheap air travel. We met twice a year and communicated by letter.

We have had a very happy marriage (coming up for our 20th wedding anniversary).

As others have said, commitment has more to do with personal maturity than with age.

Anyway, how do you know that an early engagement will result in an early marriage- they are only talking about an early wedding. Dh and I were engaged for 5 years. I managed to write my PhD in those 5 years. Didn't put me off at all.

I am very glad my parents didn't spoil my good news.

And we've had plenty of fun.

{{expat}}

You are absolutely right about holiday mode. I did distance for 3 1/2 years, moved across to live with him, and was miserable for the first year. But we worked through it and are now married, although we got maried when we were 29.

Getting engaged doesnt mean they'll get married. A couple of girls at school got engaged and it lasted until they went to univeristy.

I agree with Northernlurker.

expat - she'll get there and he'll be bloody lucky - to get a woman like your daughter is going to grow up to be AND a mil like you.

I forgot to say that we 'have more fun and freedom' than our single friends. We have travelled to loads of places, have lots of days and nights out etc and at the same time have a mortgage and are settled. It's a great feeling to feel secure and happy.

If I had a 19 year old DD that got engaged, I'd be very happy for her.

op try and talk to your daughter and try and figure out her plans rather than getting in a tizz potentially for no reason at all.

First of all I think you owe her an apology, your reaction to her engagement wasn't nice and if you remain a bit lemon lipped about it, will probably drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Imagine how you would have felt if your parents had done the same when you and your husband excitedly announced your engagement. I know I'd feel hurt and deflated and that one of the happiest times in my life had been tainted.

I would not be upset if my (hypothetical) 19 yr old dd and her bf, both responsible and good people, both studying medicine (I would be very proud of that) were engaged.
I would be upset if my 19 dd wanted to get married to a person with no ambitions, who was not faithful, was a liar, abusive, selfish, an addict or a criminal, without an education or job.
Be supportive, you may as well, there are worse things that could happen.

My question would be...where will they live afterward they marry if he is overseas?

At 20 I announced I was engaged to my BF of six weeks.

We then lived together at weekends for 2 years, married when we could be in the same city and 22 years later we are still happily married.

I think a lot of people saying that she should travel, build careers, have 'fun' etc before getting married are basing that idea on people getting married in their late 20's/early 30's so once they get married quickly move on to having DCs, if they haven't already bought a house, then do so (having less money to do 'fun' things with). Just because if you leave it until your late 20s to get married you don't have much 'fun' time before settling down, if you get married younger, you can leave it a decade before having DCs, and do 'fun' together. Obviously, if by 'fun' you mean 'shag lots of randoms' then it's not possible.

Also worth pointing out many people I know who married in their late 20's were already dating their now DH/W at a similar age to the OP's DD.

However, I personally am a little bit cynical about this - he lives in another country, he doesn't get to see her much, she's turning down nights out to skype him and even though they don't get to spend much time together they still are able to find things to argue about when the talk... Sounds to me like it's rather a 'hard work' relationship. Am I the only one who thinks he's putting a ring on her finger as an attempt to keep her?

Expat hugs to you and your DD. I personally believe you have to grab opportunity when it calls and if it's having found the one then don't let them go. grab the gold ring. Life's an adventure, it's more fun to travel in company.

I think you are right to be dubious - it's not the age alone, it's the long distance relationship. They haven't actually spent much time together in everyday life mode, have they? BUT daft to say that to dd. Keep schtum.

god its not marriage per se that will spoil her chances o having great experiences or career advancement. that would be children not marriage.

I got married at 17 - had three kids and one hell of a hard life rollercoaster.

My mother was a nurse - solid, sensible etc - and she signed a document allowing me to marry.

My own children are 23 and twins 19 - and i couldn't imagine ever ever signing an agreement for them to marry that young

and i think my mother was a loon.

So i see where you are coming from entirely.

I think your role must be in supportin gher decision - this will gain her trust - keep her on your side - she will need you in the years to come so don't alienate her.

then support her to go out with friends, ensure she has a good education and career - something she can go back to that will keep her in good standing.

pregnant 20, engaged 21, single mother 21

it'll work itself out one way or another

I got engaged to my DH when I was 20, and married him before my 21st birthday, and I was at uni studying medicine! We spent quite a lot of time apart due to my DH's job and obviously I was unable to travel with him.

It didn't affect my studies at all, in fact it made me more secure in my life and I spent more time studying and less time out getting drunk with my friends!

It also gave me the confidence to do my second degree when I was 26 and then change careers to be a teacher as I absolutely hated medicine when I got to do it "for real"!!!

It takes all sorts, and different things are right for different people. Ultimately, you could refuse to support her, she could just go off and get married in a registry office with friends for witnesses and you could miss out (and she will probably hold it against you for a long time), or you could support her, help her with wedding planning, and help her to have a day to remember! I think mothers will worry whatever, it's how things are :)

I did long distance with DH seeing him only 1 weekend in 3. In the end, I moved over, we then got engaged and married within a year of me moving in.

Difference being of course we were of independent means and knew the whole gamble of selling house, new jobs etc.

But if she does move and it doesn't work out she needs to know you are entirely there for her. Ideally, without I told you so if it doesn't.

So, YABU and YANBU. Please try and be happy for her.

This sounds so similar to me- I got engaged in my first year of medical school, married in 3rd year and now have a beautiful dd and we have been married 2 years. If it's what she wants then support her- my family's reaction to my engagement did a lot of damage that hasn't yet truly healed. She has found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and he wants to spend it with her- she is lucky and she wants you to share her joy and excitement. Nobody knows how it might turn out, but that would be the same if she was 25, 30 or 40.

In my year at medical school there have been at least ten young couples who have got engaged/married during the course. I think the choice to study medicine is a mature one and a big commitment, and therefore people who choose it tend to be more mature, think about the future, and are less afraid of making other big commitments. This is true of my year at least- the 22/23 year old med students I know are more mature and more settled than the non medical students of the same age. Also- travelling, having fun, all these things you think she's missing out on, maybe she doesn't want to do them. I always HATED going out clubbing, found dating depressing and stressful, and I love my own space, so living in halls was a nightmare. My husband has not been a distraction from my course, he has been my support. My friends who are dating or getting together/breaking up with a series of partners are waaay more distracted.

The point is, what is right for some people is not right for others, she will make her own way in the world, making her own decisions. You brought her up to allow her to make her own choices, so trust that you did a good job and let her make them, and support her.

I think a lot of people saying that she should travel, build careers, have 'fun' etc before getting married are basing that idea on people getting married in their late 20's/early 30's so once they get married quickly move on to having DCs, if they haven't already bought a house, then do so (having less money to do 'fun' things with). Just because if you leave it until your late 20s to get married you don't have much 'fun' time before settling down, if you get married younger, you can leave it a decade before having DCs, and do 'fun' together. Obviously, if by 'fun' you mean 'shag lots of randoms' then it's not possible.

Very much agree with this. DH and I were engaged at 21 (and had been together since we met in the first few weeks of University). We were married at 23 and then watched all our other friends move to London, get married, move back out, have kids before we did the house buying and children thing. DH did post-grad research and I did professional qualifications after a 4 year degree so being married most definitely isn't an obstacle to any of this. We've had an amazing fun time together and are still going strong after 15 years.

i was married at 19, seperated at 22 divorced at 24

no one could tell me i was too young but i was. tbh i would be very upset if ds got married at 19 i want him to live his own life, i feel there is so much more to life than settling down with a partner and having children but he may not ever feel that way

i would feel the same op, but a few months down the line she may feel differently so pretned to be happy as my family did, who knows you may be proved wrong

you'll get all the We married at 17 still in love yada yada answers
but that's not the point
ok as I see it they prioritize finish uni, commence med careers
pragmatic that career is priority
maintain stable relationship and marry when solvent and settled. it's up to them if the relationship is long distance it's still workable stable. it's nit your remit to decide whether she should be out gallivanting or not. she's chosen her long distance fiancé

I wish them both well for future

thank you for all your responses!

I agree it isn't really the age so much as the fact that out of 2 years together they've been in the same country for about 4-5 months. But their commitment to each other is quite impressive so who am I to say it won't work? Agree with everyone who says I should've kept schtum but she did ask me and I've never been good at holding back my opinions.

I don't know how they're planning to pay for it (another thing I was 'hmmm' about) but she did mention sometime next summer which would make her 20. But then I am also concerned about what happens to her after that, they spend the first four years of their married life apart? I suppose selfishly I am also worried she might want to move to where he is. Which is VERY far away!

I will apologise to her tonight and tell her I really am happy she's found love. This is definitely true.

Another engaged at 20 married at 21
Ten years later with four children still going strong

X posts

There's not much you can do is there. Why not be supportive and make things easier for her. At least then she knows where to go if it all falls apart. Drive her away now and she won't look to you for help because she'll expect an I told you so

And again
Gah
Sensible idea op
And now I'm going to go post on a thread I can keep up with

I married at 17 ( own choice)
Pregnant before 18 ( again own choice)
And Its our 3rd anniversary this year.

Ours was long distance too.

No problems really. Just visa problems.
I'm very mature for my age I don't fuck about. I take life seriously and I know my decisions are for me.

I was with my husband longer than that but I only got to see him once a year :|
But I wouldn't change it at all. You appreciate your other half more when your in that situation as you've done the long distance thing and now just grateful that they are in each others presence.
Best decision I've ever made