about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

I was married and a mother at your DDs age. We were both students and paid for our wedding. We had the wedding we could afford. We've been together over 30 years. Now that I look back it was so very young, but it didn't feel it at the time. I understand your apprehension. My father also wanted us to live together first, but we didn't want to do it that way.

It’s a zombie guys 🧟‍♂️

@jemmyjem

Just realised it’s as zombie thread but did they get married in the end?

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news.

Nope. No other mother would be happy about a 19yo getting engaged/married/having a baby. It’s obviously waaaaayyyy too young, but a 19yo will never see this as they believe they are old/savvy/know more than anyone else at this point, which funnily is developmentally normal with brain wiring at that point. Once the brain is fully developed (early twenties for people born female) they then see rationale sense. Until then just navigate as best you can with them.

Well, @jemmyjem , what did happen in the end? Since I’ve read all the way through this without realising it was a zombie thread, it would be nice to know the outcome.

I think most women are probably mature enough to get married at 20 IF they want to (most don’t, of course). I do wonder about young men getting married at very young ages. Guys mature later, and are still full of hormones in their early 20s. I know that talking about wild oats and all that is a bit un-PC these days, but I’d worry about a guy wondering what he’d missed out on by marrying so young. The (few) women I know who are still in successful marriages that they entered into at around this age, all married men who were a bit older than them—26-30 by the time of the wedding.

I doubt those who get engaged/married young really know what is healthy and what isn't. They've not had time to know themselves and their limits and boundaries. They get stuck in that teenage love stage and become one of two. It's a blessing and a curse. If you don't know, you don't know 🤷‍♀️
That's why 'we've been together since high school/for 10,20,30 years' isn't always the flex people think it is.

I'd be hoping for a loooong engagement and hopefully some personal growth in the meantime.

Just read through the entire ZOMBIE thread 😂But may I have a crumb of comfort OP- did the relationship survive? Did the wedding go ahead? Are they still together? Is she (and him) a qualified doctor? Please come back!

Another zombie thread revived from 2012. Oh if only we could go back in time.

Oh that poster again… I only read a couple of posts before spotting the date. Idk what they’re hoping to achieve but its actually interesting to read these old threads as they do illustrate culture shifts.

I agree that 19 is very young to be getting married, but ultimately she is an adult now and it's her own choice.

I can understand your reservations but I think you need to be a bit more diplomatic in what you say to her. She's going to marry him if she really wants to, regardless of what you say, and you're straining your relationship with her and pushing her away by making negative comments about her engagement.

Oops. I don't normally fall for these!

Please come back @jemmyjem and tell us is ur dd happily married ten years on?

Out of curiosity which country does she want to transfer to

Engaged at 20, married at 23. Celebrated 20 years this year.

The issue is more the long distance relationship and how well they know each other. Just be there for her. She will do what she wants anyway.

My sister was engaged at 19, married at 20 and thankfully divorced at 26 with no links to the ex. It was a terrible decision on her part, but no one could have talked her out of it. It was something she had to do herself.

Totally get your point but please just be there for her and be supportive and happy. All the things going on in the world, your daughter has found love and that's lovely. if it all goes tits up then you will be there to help her. If it doesn't, fantastic! But don't ruin your relationship by being like this, it will push her away from you.

Christ, I hope the daughter didn’t go through with it. 19 is a ludicrous age, she was only a year into med school, too.

Oh for god's sake, didn't see it was a bloody zombie thread

I would have been very disappointed if my daughter had done this but I would have hidden this totally from her
Your daughter is an adult,I would not interfere,you run the risk of ruining your future relationship

You were right to bring up your concerns. My mothers opinion has always been very important to me, whether I agree or not (or take her advice!). It’s good that you’re open with DD.

It’s a ZOMBIE ZOMBIE thread guys!

DD would now be 29!

Well it's her life isn't it.
The frustration of being an adult with adult kids is that you can see what might happen but you can't stop it.
If she marries, it's not the end of the world. If she divorces, it's not the end of the world. Just be there. Make a modest contribution to the wedding.

I agree it is too young - I know people married early in the past but it is not necessary now. Also the long distance relationship is not great at her age - sounds like her life is on hold.