about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

There is something ironic about a load of people who believe a wedding should cost thousands of pounds discussing how a 19 year old is too young to make adult decisions or have adult responsibilities. Being sensible with money is an adult responsibility.

"I can do nothing now except try and be supportive!"

Spot on, OP. Grit those teeth and smile.

And from my experience of the stresses (all 10 years of them!) of long distance relationships, the fact that she having the occasional wobble about being away from him and feels like just rushing over there to be with him, that doesn't mean she actually will- I did occasionally voice mad dreams to just pack it all in and set up a shop with dh to be so we could be together; I didn't do it, though; I was just expressing my frustration.

I do however think you should encourage her to be a little more mature about money and her expectations on you. If she wants an engagement party, then why doesn't she throw one? On the cheap. Hire a village hall and bake some cakes.

And if she wants a quick registry wedding, then that is her decision. (as long as she pays for it, evidently)

If she wants society to let her be an adult, she will have to be an adult.

I'm agog at blowing £21K on a wedding. That sounds ridiculous.

I think my wedding was well south of £1000.

21k! wow, we definitely would not pay that. And no we would not pay for the WHOLE thing, but DH is quite traditional and I know he would like to feel like he had been able to contribute to giving DD a nice wedding. As I said, I also like planning parties and would enjoy the 'budgeting' aspect of it - having a nice event for a reasonable cost.

I'm surprised because I wouldn't say she is normally an intense girl, she's always been a bit 'love over everything' though, and I think she may be worried he is going to meet someone else. Back in Dec they did split up for a couple of months and during this time he was 'seeing' someone else, she was devastated. They ended up working things out but I think it is still a concern for her, according to her sister, she was/is very jealous and paranoid.

I think DD wants to just sort of gather all our friends and family in one place (our house probably) and formally announce it. The whole thing makes me feel a bit awkward as I know people would find it strange and I don't want them to think I don't see it as strange too, if you know what I mean?

There is something ironic about a load of people who believe a wedding should cost thousands of pounds discussing how a 19 year old is too young to make adult decisions or have adult responsibilities. Being sensible with money is an adult responsibility

Amen to that.

Blowing £21,000 on an orgy of consumption and bad taste, becasue 'it is the most special day of my life and the one day I get to be a princess' is not the logic of an adult mind, it is kid in the sweetshop mentaility.

jemmyjem Mon 11-Jun-12 00:13:03
"21k! wow, we definitely would not pay that. And no we would not pay for the WHOLE thing, but DH is quite traditional and I know he would like to feel like he had been able to contribute to giving DD a nice wedding. As I said, I also like planning parties and would enjoy the 'budgeting' aspect of it - having a nice event for a reasonable cost."

Yes, but you are expecting your dd to put her adult life on hold so that you can have the kind of party you expect- is that really reasonable? It's not you that's getting married.

"The whole thing makes me feel a bit awkward as I know people would find it strange and I don't want them to think I don't see it as strange too, if you know what I mean?"

No, I don't. You are expecting an adult to keep quiet over her engagement in case people judge you for thinking it strange?

Besides, what exactly is so strange about a 19yo getting engaged that you worry that your family won't realise how strange you think it? Has this boyfriend got two heads or something? Why would everybody be thinking about you either way under these circumstances?

I'd be surprised if they did actually marry, tbh. Sounds like a tenuous relationship. Does she have a ring?

And even if you do it your way, she'll be 21 by the time they marry, most likely. Hardly a child bride.

cory - I know you're right! But everyone would find it strange and the older aunties and uncles and neighbours will gossip about it. My friend has already told me that another parent I know who's DD is friends with mine has already asked what the hell I'm thinking going along with it, and why don't I just put my foot down and call DD out on how ridiculous it is.

Gossip about what exactly? That she has a (presumably) permanent boyfriend? That they are engaged? Or that they are planning to get married at some time in the future (but no date set)?

I still fail to see what is ridiculous about it. As posters have pointed out, even many of the couples who marry in their late 20s are in fact formalising an arrangement that started when they were about your dd's age. It is perfectly normal in our society. My niece is getting married this summer, to a lad she started going out with when she was 15 and he was 14; they have been living together since they left Sixth Form. Noone has even thought about raising an eyebrow.

Why would older aunties and uncles gossip about something that would have been absolutely the norm when they were young? Have they forgotten?

Or is it that the whole family has got into the habit of thinking about your dd as a lot younger than she actually is?

I know, £21,000 is the 'official' average cost of a wedding these days. In wedding magazines there's always a page on how much stuff costs, laying it all out. Venue-£1000s, photographer-£1000s, feeding people-£1000s. I guess if the daughter wants an engagement party she'll be wanting all the other extras for the wedding too?
In my head 19 is too young, but I met my husband when I was 20...
Hormonal mayhem of teenagehood will be receding and she's an adult now. Same as any marriage-it might work, it might not. Be supportive & don't blow all your money on it no matter what her age!

I suppose they do think she is too young. I think many of them are of the opinion that because they married early, she should wait and not make a commitment this soon.. Also most of them don't know/have never met him because he lives overseas and I don't even think some of them are aware they have been dating (I've never discussed it with them).

Ok, clearly need to get over myself with the letting people know thing, it's definitely my own paranoia!

From what you have told us about her I would say that 'putting your foot down' is the worst thing that you could do. It leaves her as the tragic, misunderstood heroine and will push them together.
I would grit your teeth, ignore other people's reaction and support.
There are so many practicalities that she either hasn't though of or has no idea how they work.

1. The funding for loans - I would have assumed that she was then independent and you would not need to fill in forms.
2. Her course, transferring may not be that easy.
3. His income -are his parents supporting him? His parents may be horrified and point out that he can't afford a wife.
4. Someone of her disposition who has been looking at wedding pictures from a young age isn't going to want to pop down to the registry office. (it never occurred to me to even think about weddings before I needed to plan it)
5. His family are going to want to equally be part of it - maybe they would want the wedding - or at least part of it over there.
6. If the reason is to tie the bf down, he may get cold feet as they try and work out the practicalities.

7 She seems to be the one who would be transferring, if she could- would she really want to do it when it came to the crunch?

In short she seems a bit of a romantic dreamer - I would go along with it all and it may well go off the rails over the course of time. If it does all work out, against all the odds then it is probably strong enough to be the 'right' thing for her.

I absolutely agree with you OP, I think she is too young and it is simply not the right stage of her life. Also, she appears to be trying to 'secure him' by marriage which is a really bad thing. I just cannot see what the rush is, if she knows she will love him forever then why not get an engagement ring and have the wedding of her dreams when she has graduated.

I have a feeling he may get cold feet any way, he has already ended it once (only 5-6 months ago) and he is marrying her as she pushed him for a commitment, it doesn't sound good to me. She may just end up pushing him to end the relationship altogether, especially if he is going out and socialising whilst he's away and living the student life.

Just my opinion but for all those here saying 'married at 10 and still together 60 years later' etc, I know a lot of people who married before they were 25 and divroced by the time they were 30.

What's the rush?

I don't think those of us who are telling "still happily married" stories think there is a rush, Overcooked.

Just that it is up to every adult to decide for themselves what stage of life is right for them- once you get to a certain age, it's not something mummy and daddy can do for you. This may mean that she makes a horrible mistake- but that is what adult life is about, you make your own mistakes.

I was engaged and married when younger than your DD OP.

However after reading your comments I don't think she is emotionally ready. It sounds to me like she wants to secure her fiance because she feels paranoid about the long distance and the split back in December couldnt of helped either.

She hasnt spent a lot of time with her fiance, 4 months you say? I can see shit hitting the fan if this goes ahead tbh.

Forgot to add...

But she is an adult so therefore should be free to make this mistake and you should be there with a shoulder to cry and without any mumblings of "I told you so"

Overcooked. I'm sorry but your wrong.

HTH

I wouldn't be happy in your shoes for a few reasons:

1. If she rushes over to his country wherever it is, it is very far away you said, she will be vulnerable since she is a 19 year old student and has no independent means.
2. If you don't really know this man other than a general superficial impression that he seems nice because you have never had the chance to spend much time with him, neither does dd know him since she only ever meets up with him in the holidays. How much time in the past 2 years have they actually spent together I wonder?
3. She is studying for a good, practical degree on a course that is not easy to get on to, if she does drop it to be with him, where will she be in practical terms?
4. they don't seem to know how they are going to live (at all in fact) as a married couple, all we know is your dd's strong wish to be with him.

She may well find that if she does go over there to be with him, he is very busy getting on with his degree and it will not be the set-up she is hoping for. I can see why you are not so thrilled about it. Don't know what to say about the engagement party, if you think the whole thing is pie in the sky and unrealistic, i.e. it will never come to an actual marriage, it does seem wrong. What about his family, do they know about this engagement? Are they planning to come to an engagement party in the UK and a wedding in the UK too? Have you ever met this family?

Maybe you can postpone the party with a vague idea of maybe next summer and say she needs to get the practicalities of moving/degree/finances/household cleared up. That gives her something concrete to get on with and then see what happens next. When that is all clear, you can start looking into the engagement party and wedding etc. Pass the buck back IYSWIM

OP I really wouldnt give two stuffs what your friends and neighbours think I wont go into it to much but i was pregnant at 21 and my mother was ashamed and concerned what others thought and i was asked not too nicely to leave home and not tell anybody it was like something from the dark ages, please don't be ashamed and alienate your DD.

I think that you have to get out of the 'what do friends and neighbours think'-it really doesn't matter.
A huge bearing is going to be what his parents think-and my guess is 'not a lot'.
I have a DS around that age and practicalities would have to come into it-we are still supporting him and he can't afford it. I would want them just to live together.

My Dsis got married whilst at uni, she was 19. My parents were quite supportive - basically they were very happy about it and said they'd continue to fund her through uni if she promised not have kids until she finished (she wanted to wait anyway). She agreed to this and 15 years later and 3 kids they are v happy. If it was my DD I'd say the same.

We married after a LDR when I was 21. We didn't have the benefit of instant communication - letters on a two week cycle and very few phone calls.

We have been married for 36 years and have five children.