about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

I got engaged at just turned 20, married at 22 and had DS1 at 24. We have been married 8 years this month. My mum and dad weren't too happy at the time though.

YANBU to be apprehensive but please try and be happy and excited for your DD.

He is supportive of her btw, a very nice guy although I don't know him that well having only met him a couple of times when he is back home staying with his parents.

I guess I am also concerned because according to my other daughter, he proposed to her after some pressure from my DD to 'make a commitment'. I think she felt like she needed it, being in a long distance relationship, and now that he has proposed she's excited about getting married (she's always loved weddings and planning parties!)

Very encouraging to hear so many happy stories of young marriages! Feeling much more hopeful and positive.

i do not think your dd will necessarily miss out on fun, but she may miss out on experiences in life that are not always fun (being independent is not always fun) but can make your life richer, you can grow as a person from them

this is what she could be throwing away

I agree with scottishmummy. You're going to apologise anyway so things are ok between you and your daughter. Leave her then to get on with her plans, offering help if she needs/wants it. Paste a smile on your face - "fake it till you make it" is a phrase I've heard coined. It will either work out or it won't but that will be down to your daughter and her boyfriend.

I would feel the same way that you do - and I'd make it absolutely clear that my expectation would be that nothing would get in the way of finishing medical school.

I am soooooooooo glad I didn't marry my boyfriend from when I was 18, personally, I have to say.

And like you, I think it's quite sad that she's spending her evenings in hanging by the phone rather than living it up in the pointlessly enjoyable manner of her mates.

I was wondering all the way up the thread whether the proposal was more a symbol of commitment than a portent of immediate marriage.

Support her - but make it clear you support her now and in 5 years

Yes, MI's right, it's shame she isn't out enjoying herself at the age of 19.

FWIW I met dh when I was 19, he was 20, moved in together when I was 20, bought a flat and got engaged when I was 21. BUT we knew it'd be ages before we could afford a wedding and we were still young, going out and having fun with our friends, both together and separately. Our lives were no different to theirs, except we didn't go out with lots of different people. I can think of a few couples from that time who are still together two decades later, and very many more who are not.

I've got grown up children. They sometimes make decisions that leave you a bit . I can honestly say that you can make things a lot worse if you intervene beyond giving any advice that they've asked for. My own mother was a nightmare for thinking she knew better than me and giving instructions and for sure, there are things I did at the age of 19 which were a direct result of her unwanted interference.

In your dd's case, if she's had to "persuade" a proposal out of her fiance under some duress, she's almost certainly a long way off actually getting married. I'd advise being around to pick up the pieces.

My DD1 met her DP when she was 16, thinking about marrying at 20, engaged at nearly 22 and married just over a year later

She is now 26, and she and her husband are very happy and my first GC is now over a month old. That's about 9 years together now

I was more worried about her moving in with him, which she did when she was 18. When it came to marriage. I was a little worried about the committment she was making, but I knew how happy she was, and why should their age be a barrier? When they got engaged, they had been living together for 3 and a bit years, which is more than many an older couple before engagement. And I could see some benefits to her marrying him as well, which have all been realised

Although, I am a bit worried by your DD having to persuade him to propose. That is not good, and if he starts feeling pushed, there could be problems. But i feel there's nothing you can do except be there for her. Support her, pick up pieces if the worst happens

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

It doesn't matter what any mother feels over a daughter at any age marrying -if that said daughter thinks the day is already ruined due to other peoples thoughts then possibly the day i ruined for the blardy wrong reasons

I don't think I would be too over the moon over my nearly 20 year old dd getting married - but it is her life and she knows she has to make her own mind up and wouldn't worry about what I thought to much if she knew it was right

I was married at 19 and had only ever lived at home too. My DH has been my rock for the past 22 years and we're so happy.

But I think I would feel the same as you if my DD came in tomorrow and said she was getting married. I think you have to congratulate them and maybe do some gentle persuasion to make them plan well ahead.

I was engaged by her age. Married by 22. I'm still happily with DH. I would do anything I could to get her to wait. Is bribery an option eg if you wait until you're 24 we'll pay for the wedding?

I got engaged at 18, whilst at uni. Got married at 23, and we are still together now with 2 children, and about to celebrate our 5th anniversary.
Age isn't the problem here.
You need to support your daughter.
I would suggest you explain to her that weddings take a lot of planning, especially when studying at the same time, and you want to help her have the perfect special day as she will only get married once.
Suggest that as most weddings take 2 years to plan, and as nice venues are booked up years in advance they set a date in 2014 / 2015.
(having said that my wedding took 2 months to organise - but I wanted a quick registry affair)
Or as others have said, offer to pay towards the wedding if they wait till after uni. Or say you think it would be a nice way to celebrate their graduation with a huge reception party after the ceremony with live band etc.

Thing is, there are lots of Right Ones out there. It's not about finding your one true love, it's about finding someone who you can manage to face living with and getting along with quite happily most of the time. Of whom one encounters quite a few in the course of one's life, I've found.

If I could I would ban all mine from long term relationships until they were over 25.

I know quite a few people who have 'waited' and not married their childhood or university partner, only to have a long term relationship with somebody, who they then leave or are left by in favour of somebody they loved when they were younger, either from school or university. Which leaves the dumped person feeling heartbroken and second best, which of course they were really.

I feel very sorry for people who are the partners of people during their 'single' years, only to find themselves dumped in favour of previous loves who then often end up married and having children very quickly.

And of course if you love somebody and they love you, and you are very happy together, there is no guarantee that you'll ever meet anybody else you feel the same way about. Plenty of people want to get into a good relationship and never get one, and end up either alone or in a relationship with somebody they 'settled' for.

I am all for people being single because they don't want to be in a relationship ever, but I don't see the point in not marrying somebody you love.

Vashti OP's DD doesn't see her boyfriend every day... it's easy to fall in love with an ideal when that happens.

Well yes, but lots of people don't see their boyfriends every day because they are at different universities and so on. It remains the case that she has met her partner during that 'window' when so many people seem to feel love intensely and cement lifelong feelings.

A lot of my family are married to people they didn't see every day when they were 'courting' because the war was on and they were in Japanese POW camps or similar.

Well.....I wish my mum had discussed her concerns with me!

I got engaged on my 20th birthday to someone who was just over 5years older than me...which is fairly noticeable age gap when you are 19 and 25. Like the OP's daughter it was a long distance relationship and we both still stayed at home with our parents...so when we visited in the holidays didn't share a room or experience 'normal everyday' life.

I was at university and he wasn't...we got married in the summer before my final year started...I was 21years old. I dropped out in the final year after being on course for a good degree classification....wasn't pregnant or anything...just fell so far behind which was NOT like me.

The marriage lasted ten years and ended in divorce...on my first night back home with my parents after the separation I was breaking my heart and pouring out all my worries to my mum.
It was at that point that my mum stated that before I married her and my dad had both agreed that they thought I was too young and should probably have waited until after graduation to marry.

She had NEVER EVER hinted at this to me - I asked her why she hadn't told me of these concerns before the wedding...she replied that she didn't think it was her place. I so wish she had, she was my mother and she could have maybe encouraged me to look at the bigger picture....who knows?

The previous poster who said that it was patronising to accuse young couples of 'playing house' - this is a phrase I have used myself to describe my marriage. Having a mortgage at 20, spending the weekend shopping for tumble dryers and having a fully stocked kitchen to 'play' in...not what I will want for my DS when he reaches that age!

(I finally graduated as a single parent after my divorce).

I would say that they are exceptional cases though!

As a mum, that would be my concern in this case... OP said it herself, they're always in holiday mode. Even seeing him every weekend would be better IMHO.

My DSis got married at 18 and has just celebrated her 38th wedding anniversary. We got married at 21 (as did most of our friends). Marriages succeed or fail for many different reasons, not just youth.

How independant is your daughter now?

Does she live away from home, responsible for her own washing, cooking cleaning and finances?

If not i would worry that she is more in love with "playing grown up" than if she was already running her own home and life.

If she has had to push her boyfriend to get engaged then i dont think she is mature enough to be considering marriage but then if he has agreed under preasure than the wedding could still be a long way off and possibly not even happen at all.

My cousin wanted to get married at 20, my uncle told her that once she had her degree in hand she could do what she wanted, until then, no way.
I think that was sensible advice.