about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

I got engaged at 24 - older than your dd but it would appear not old enough for my parents (even though my mum was pregnant with me when my dad was 25...). They came up with lots of things that were wrong with dh and tried to persuade me not to do it.

Nothing good can come of telling someone you don't think they should marry someone else (unless they are incredibly flighty and likely to change their mind based on your opinion). Presumably your dd has thought about this and wants to do it. You must either think she will change her mind based on your opinion, which she will probably find very insulting, or that she will go ahead anyway knowing that you are unhappy, which is upsetting for everyone concerned. Having been through this, I really don't think I would tell either of my kids I didn't want them to get married no matter what the circumstances.

Dh and I are happily married with 2 kids and I have never forgotten the stress my mother put me through in the run up to my wedding (she didn't let it drop). Smile, be happy for her, hope it doesn't happen.

Reading this with interest. My DMum was furious when I told her I was moving out of home to move in with my boyfriend (now DH) when I was 25 - she thought that was far far far too young! I can't imagine what she would have said/done if I'd told her I was marrying at 19.

Looking back though, a lot of the people who were coupled up at that age are still together and now married with DCs. I'm actually struggling to think of any who have split - the people I know who have been through splits/divorce are those who met when older. I do know someone who called off her wedding at the last minute (aged possibly 21/22??) but by and large the people who got together at uni have stayed together.

I would be more concerned about the prospect of her making her own life more difficult by moving towards having a family very early. If she's a medical student, she has many years of hard slog ahead of her that will be made harder or very probably impossible if she has babies - so I would be encouraging her to be aware of this.

I got engaged at 19 after being in a relationship for exactly 6 months. A lot of people thought we were too young and it wouldn't last.

We got married 5 years later after my dh had finished his degree (4year course) and we'd bought a house.

I am now 41 and have had a long and happy marriage.

Gosh I am surprised at how many of you got married very young (and are still very young ) as generally on MN the demographic seems to be older women and older mums.

This thread has made me realise I have quite rigid, perhaps even snooty views about young marriage!

If my dd came to me at 19 and said she was engaged I think I'd feel 'Oh no what about a few years of fun/freedom/travelling/career building - don't tie yourself down!' but this is quite possibly a silly view and one I might have to prepare myself to challenge. I wouldn't want my dd to feel let down or unsupported.

All that said, I still think it's fairly unlikely your dd will go through with marriage as she's still only a teenager and doesn't realise how things can change...

Too young? That's rubbish. I got married at 20. Engaged at 18 after being with no dh for 3 months, married when been together 2 years. I am now 30, been married 10 years together 12. We have 2 kids and run a successful business. We have a very happy comfortable life.
my best friend got married while studying to be a doctor. Age when getting married doesn't bother me.

If I had married the boyfriend I was madly in love with when I was 19 I would have had a miserable life. But if someone else had told me that at the time I wouldn't have listened. Immature or not, she is an adult and she has to make her own mistakes. Hopefully things will work out for her and judging by this thread they can and do.

Forgot to say my parents were very happy and supportive.
Also my best friend was studying medicine and her parents were very happy.

OP I can understand where your coming from - the 'mothering' instinct is to protect your child especially in a situation where you think it could very quickly go to hell!

but you need to try to see it from her perspective - getting engaged (regardless of what age) is very special and exciting. When DH and I got engaged my parents went mad, they weren't happy with my choice as they wanted me to marry someone from my own culture. Cue the worst 2 years of my life and me basically not speaking to them. They came to the wedding but it was still 6 months after my marriage that I refused to even speak with them.

Things are slighty better now nearly 2 years on (I have produced the much waited for 1st grandchild) and it seems I'm 'forgiven' for my choice but I can say that I don't forgive them. I don't forgive them for taking the happiness out of my engagement it's something I will never forget, let alone the other rubbish they put me through. His parents on the other hand were there for us from the start and so they see us and the LO most weekends. I don't think our relationship will ever be what it was again, so try to be gentle with your DD and her feelings otherwise you could end up talking yourself right out of her life!

Another child bride here (as my mum still insists on mentioning). Got engaged at 17 and married at 19. My parents were less than thrilled, but I made it quite clear that either they supported me or we were getting on a plane and going abroad to do it. They have both since apologised for their attitude and behaviour. We've been married 13 years this summer with two lovely children. 6 and 1 so we didn't rush into it.

Make amends with your daughter immediately because you will always have it hanging over you both if you don't.

I got engaged at 19, my DMum was furious and went through the whole 'too young' bit. I was devastated she wasn't happy for me and it completely ruined getting engaged for me.

DH and I got married aged 26 (a your ago) and have a gorgeous DD. We couldn't be happier after growing up together and changing a lot together. Sadly my lovely mum died before we married and had DD, I like to think she would be happy for me, although I imagine she would still think I am too young

I'd feel like you OP.

However I think you need to take DD out for a meal/lunch (whatever) to 'celebrate' one to one. Apologise and explain you love her and were just taken by surprise. You want her to be happy and you're 100% behind her.

Then offer to contribute in some way to make her life easier. Don't try and manipulate with this because she will kick back. Offer what you can to alleviate the stress.... and leave her to think.

She may already have doubts over aspects of this decision and the tears may have been because you added to that

I am just wondering about the practicalities-if they both have several years to go in different countries how is it going to work? Have either of them got any money? DSs student loan is worked out on our earnings.
I would feel very much like you but it is a tricky one-she is an adult and if you throw difficulties into it you will be the 'baddie'. They do have to learn by their own mistakes-someone older and wiser is always resented.

Why not tell her you've thought about it and decided that you were wrong to say she was too young and that age doesn't matter if the relationship is right BUT that you are still a little concerned about how much "real life" time they have spent together.

Why not try to do a deal with her - if they spend more time together and have a long engagement, you will pay for/contribute to the wedding and promise not to say "I told you so" if it doesn't work out.

Cross posted with ToothbrushThief-I think that is all you can do.

Or.... Treat her like an adult! Because hey.. At the end of the day, that's what she is after all...

I eloped to marry someone I had originally met on holiday when I was 18. We celebrate 15 years of marriage in September and now have 2 children. Many of the people who sniggered and made snide comments at the time are now divorced! I have not regretted marrying my husband ever and feel as we married young we were both much less set in our ways and it is almost like we grew up together.

Either it will endure or it will fizzle out. DS had a girl friend at 17yrs-they survived almost the whole of their time at separate universities and then it came to a natural end. They were able to stay friends and luckily I was able to stay friends with her too. I liked her, but didn't think them suited-I never said so-which I think was the right move.
There is nothing more guaranteed to throw them together than 'young misunderstood love'-it is terribly romantic.

I got engaged at 19, been married for nearly 20 years now.

Another one here who got engaged when only 18.Our parents threw us a party but I don't think that they were over the moon as such.However they never showed their disapproval.We didn't get married for another 5 years.We're about to celebrate our 37th anniversary. Mx.

I got married at 19, it was love at first sight and we eloped (I know, I know)........12 years and 3 children later and we are still going strong, he is my best friend......but I understand where you are coming from.........also I did drop out of uni a year later to have DS1, but life hasn't turned out too bad

Well me it would be the whole mix of things-young, studying & with some years to go & in different countries!

I think that the engagement itself wouldn´t bother me but why not marry after their degrees for example-when they can be together?

Known my DH since I was 11, started going out @ VI Form, got engaged end of 1st year of 4 year degree (DH joined the Air Force during that time too, so LDR from 8 months into relationship until marriage at 4 years), got married 2 weeks after graduation @ 22. SO GLAD, because my mum passed away 2 weeks after that.

My parents were supportive but I think a little surprised that we committed ourselves to each other as young as we did, as we're my IL's, who've been together since they were 14/15, had to move the wedding by 6 months because MIL was pregnant with DD1, but even they were telling DH to be cautious and take it slow. they will celebrate 42 years in October.

For the record, by the time my parents got to the time in their relationship where we were when we got engaged (i.e. 18 months), they had been engaged for 6 months, got married 6 months after that and my brother was born 4 months later.

Parents of young adults are not necessarily rational when it comes to those young adults wanting to do the things their parents have done, even if it worked out for those parents. But those young adults need to be allowed to go their own way, even if it's not the parents' choice of how things should be done.

I think that you have to bear in mind that in 30 years they may still be married with DCs of their own at university and then it all looks a little silly as you look back.
It happened to a friend of mine, she started going out with a 21yr old when she was only 16yrs and they married young. Both have successful careers, two highly successful DCs and are now grandparents-but it soured her relationship with her parents. You really can't tell.

I was 24 when I got engaged but DH was only 22 and his parents were not happy and made this quite clear to us. I think they thought I'd hold back his career, that we'd be popping out babies straight away - and after meeting my family who were dead excited and perhaps not as er... refined as them, thought he was marrying into some sort of Eastenders-style mob.

We married two years later and now, ten years on, are finally producing a grandchild after supporting each other in our (slightly unsuccessful) careers and through various emotional and fertility issues over the years. I get on very well with them but I can never quite forget the initial reaction, nor the feeling that I am in some way holding DH back.

As everyone else has said, give her your wholehearted support, approval and love. She doesn't have to rush into the actual wedding - its quite normal to set a date a couple of years ahead - and keep communication open so that she has a back-out option that she feels in control of. Encourage her to spend more time with him and get to know him more yourself. It could be something beautiful and you don't want to be left out in the cold.

Age is no guarantee at all of marital success.

I'd be thrilled if it were my daughter because what I want is for her to be happy, and perhaps she has a different view of what that is from mine, but that's okay, too.

Life is too short to be penned in by one point of view.