about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

Yabu, it is quite hurtful and rude if you react so negatively to her. She is an adult not a child and she has made her decision so just be happy for her.

I'm another one got married at 18 (were engaged since 17) and has been 7 years now and we are very happy. People also tried to put us off with "too young", but I don't think its too young at all.

Alot of youngish people these days are so immature I think mainly due to this attitude that they are too young to take on any responsibility

Congrats to your dd and hope she has many happy years together with her husband

I got married at 19, I had already left home and was working. We were married 10 months after we met. We were commited to each other and for me being married rather than living together was important. My parents were awful, if I did have any second thoughts I would have gone through with the wedding rather than give them the satisfaction of saying "I told you so". Please be careful how you are with your dd because my relationship with my parents was poor for years.

We had many happy years but due to many factors divorced 16 years later, nothing to do with being married young more to do with not being able to deal with an infirtile marriage.

Not everyone wants to be living it up and playing the field, some people just want to settle down.

I was 20 and dh was 19 when we married and I dont think its too young at all. When you know then you know.

cwtch4967 said "Not everyone wants to be living it up and playing the field, some people just want to settle down"

Hear hear.

Actually if they both have several years to go before graduation (the medical degree is longer than most undergraduate courses, isn't it?) they might well both be in their early 20s by the time of the wedding. And you never know, they might end up waiting until after graduation anyway due to time/money constraints, so maybe more like mid-20s.

Starting a family is a different question of course, but getting married doesn't mean they're going to rush into this (if they even want to do it at all), many couples are together for years before having children, and it seems unlikely that they'd be planning a baby while they're still living long-distance from each other.

Either way they are both adults, and while it's natural to have concerns I think you have to try to be positive and happy for her when she comes to you with exciting news like this, and reserve your advice for if/when she asks for it.

I will say though I dont think being married shpuld hold you back me and dh were in forces together, then did degrees together, have partied all round country and lived abroad together and we did most of that before dd at 23!

I hope my childeen find what we have young, growing up and living each day with yout best friend has been amazing.Been together 10 years and I love him more everyday.

I think YABU and unfair. You're projecting onto your daughter the life you want her to lead.

She's old enough to know her own mind, surely? And just because they're engaged it doesn't mean they're getting married next week, does it!

I got engaged on my 20th birthday, we had been together for 2 years but we only got married two years ago, when I was 26. We've been together 11 years and have two lovely DDs!

I was 19 and DH 20 when we got engaged, during my second year of a four year degree course (his final year of a three year course). We had been together eight months at the time (although we'd known each other a few years) and were in a long distance relationship as at different universities. We set the date early on, and got married at 22 and 23, just after I finished my degree. By then, we'd also been living together for a year. It's our third wedding anniversary next week, and we're still going strong (obviously that's not long in the great scheme of things, but we're not showing signs of cracking up already, is my point).

In terms of distraction from work, I still managed to get a strong 2:1 and DH a 2:1 and a masters degree whilst in the midst of all this, so it didn't seem to cause our work to suffer too much! Our parents were all very supportive - certainly they aren't the types to keep their mouths shut if they disagree with something.

I´m assuming that in hols they both stay with respective parents? If they marry-where will they live?

I might be wrong but I´m getting the impression of a couple who aren´t completely independant-that would make it seem odd to me.

When I got married at 19, everyone gave it '18 months, at the most' We celebrate 37 years this summer.

Is it perhaps the finality of the word 'marriage' that's so frightening? My sister met her dh at 19 and, although they only got married after 10 years together, they may as well have got married earlier.

Would it be as scary if they were buying a house together?

Engaged at 17, married at 21 (had to save up for a deposit on a house and for furniture, hence why long engagement). We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. We waited 10 years to have our children.

I understand because I hate the thought of dd growing up and me not being able to form her choices anymore (she is only 2 though). But I still think you need to be careful. Absence of my own mothers support didn't lead me to rebel as such, but it certainly meant I didn't feel comfortable telling her things and impacted on our relationship (obviously we are fine now but as a late teen I was quite distant from her).

I think with all things, if you know you can't change her mind (which you can't, her behavior demonstrates that she adores him), there's no point trying.

I wish them all the happiness they deserve, they sound like a lovely couple and both studying medicine they must be very intelligent.

Molly I agree, I hate it when people assume marriage = settling down. That sounds so dreary! I've had amazing adventures and led a more free-spirited life than many people I know; I just did it with someone by my side.

Another young marrier here. Engaged at 18 after being together for 2 months, married just after my 20th birthday.
When I told my parents I thought they'd be worried but they love my DH and were confident we'd be ok. We're still happy together with 4 DCs 12 years later.
I don't think it is to do with age and experience. It's to do with having confidence in the relationship.

'she's playing a grown up!' how bloody patronising to the poor girl. I'm a year older than her, I live with my boyfriend, we're getting a mortgage soon, am I playing the grown up?

OP you're not being unreasonable to worry, but it's a bit unreasonable to show your daughter how much you disapprove. It'll only force her away.
If you really think it isntgoing to work, just be there for her and let it run it's course.
From what you've said I'll doubt they actually marry, but she can enjoy the thought of being engaged and all that malarkey for now n

I went away to uni and 3 months later rang my mum and told her I was engaged! We didn't end up marrying until we were 25 and 26,though. Still together now at 34 with 4th d on the way...very happy. BUT,I would be upset if dd anounced she was engaged at a young age. It could so easily be the wrong choice. I think you only really know who you are in your mid 20's...sometimes more. Lots and lots of living to be done and I would encourage my children to live/work/travel/meet lots of people...before settilng down.
LSD totally differnet now to when our Grandparents were young! Many reasons why. Years ago there was shorter life expectancy,not as many opportunities for women,social stigma (being left on the shelf!) lots has changed since then.

DP and I started living together when I was 18, just days after we'd met.

10 years and 3 kids later we're still togethe

Some of us are just lucky enough to meet the right person early in life, it doesn't mean we're ditzy or naive if we choose to settle down younger than the norm.

My mother accused me of playing house and refused to support me through uni as punishment... All that resulted in was me having to pay a fortune to study years later and me losing what little respect I had left for her

I'm going to go against popular opinion here and say that I wouldn't be that happy if my DD told me she was engaged at 19.

I actually met my DH when I was 18 and we were married just after I turned 25, although we didn't get engaged until about 6 weeks before the wedding. We stayed together whilst I was away at university, including some time studying abroad. I love my DH more than I ever thought possible and feel incredibly lucky to have him. However, we both regularly acknowledge that in the years that we have been together, we have both changed hugely as people. The key thing is that whilst we have both changed, our personalities still work together, and if anything, we work better together now than we did when we met as teenagers. I was also fortunate enough that DH (when he was DP) was also incredibly supportive of me and always encouraged me to study abroad, travel with friends etc. What is your daughter's DP like? Is he likely to be so supportive of here?

For what it's worth, I still think you should hold your tongue and offer her your congratulations and support. If she loves him and he treats her well, then I think you have to just be happy that she is happy.

I am willing to bet our DD gets engaged before her 18th birthday.

On the one hand, I see your point OP. On the other hand, they are so much in love it is inevitable and I am so happy to see them happy IYSWIM?

And they are happy, his mum told me that her boy is already saving for diamonds (bless). Mum and I both agree with the "they are young, but in love and stand as good a chance as anyone".