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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 04/06/2012 09:10

"I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way"

This sounds like your problem. :(

The private dance in itself will differ by couple - some wont be bothered by it, and some will. The point is, he KNEW you would be really uncomfortable with it and had one anyway. A private dance is a very intimate thing I would think, and was not necessary to enjoy the stag do with his friends.

Has he always been so inconsiderate of how you feel? You've been together for 12 years - that is a long amount of time. Has it grown worse over the years or have you always kind of put up with him being this way?

Bethan31 · 04/06/2012 09:16

Yanbu. I would not tolerate dh having a private dance or going to a strip club. To my knowledge he has never been to one, either he's telling the truth or a very good actor...

Good luck x

Charliefox · 04/06/2012 09:20

Oh please, men get their rocks off with stuff like this. Is just biology. Not saying it's always that easy to accept but "wouldn't tolerate it"? Wow, love to be in that relationship. Being married does not mean you own or control the other person. Hard as it might be, try and opput it out of your mind and move on, otherwise it will consume you. If however it's indicative of other issues in the relationship, then that's more of a cause for concern.

MamaGeekChic · 04/06/2012 09:24

I don't have a problem with DP going to strip clubs on stag dos and having a private dance (I would if he made a habit of it, normal nights out etc) BUT what is ok in our relationship is totally irrelevant in yours.... if he knows how you feel about this and does it anyway its his blatant disregard fo.r your feelings/opinions/boundaries that's the problem. Your comment "he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way" is very telling, the strip club is a bit of a red herring, i think, its this you need to address. His attitude doesn't sound like something I could live with. Best of luck.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 09:25

Charlie, are you actually saying that the OP doesn't have a right to her feeling about this and a right to express them and be heard?

I think there's far too much pressure on women to accept this stripping business and ignore their own feelings. My view is that it can't really be only a bit of fun or the pressure to never respond or have feelings about it wouldn't be so intense.

MamaGeekChic · 04/06/2012 09:26

Charliefox does have a good point... you also need to think about how open you are to compromise on his feelings/opinions/boundaries. What I've said about does work both ways.

MamaGeekChic · 04/06/2012 09:26

*above not about

FlippinCheekOfIt · 04/06/2012 09:28

YANBU Of more concern than the strip club is the fact that your husband ignores your feelings. That would be a deal breaker for me.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 09:30

I went to a Strip Club once with a load of male and female friends.

The girls were not as attractive as I would have expected and the dancing is all very mechanical some of the group had private dances (I didn't).

Having seen it it wouldn't bother me if OH went (he prob does - he's in the Navy) - the important thing is when he comes home he can't keep his hands off me and I trust him.

And what MamaGeekChic said.

xkittyx · 04/06/2012 09:30

Am l even reading this right? My husband made his vows. Sexual exclusivity and that does NOT mean a loophole for paid activity.
YANBU at all.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 09:34

My OH also watches a lot of porn when we are apart and that doesn't bother me either - but what I'm ok with isn't necessarily ok for others. We never watch it together - I see it as a means to an end for him.

As others have said the fact he ignores your feelings is worrying to say the least.

TheCraicDealer · 04/06/2012 09:34

I'm "ok" with DP going to strip clubs on stag do's. I don't like it, but I tolerate it because I know they're par for the course on most stag do's now (at least in his circle of friends). What would make me hit the roof is a private dance, there's something about it that crosses a line for me. It seems so intimate and yet seedy at the same time. Luckily DP is not keen, partly because he is very quite tight and also he knows my feelings on it. I'm the only woman allowed to wave boobs in his face dammit!

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 09:35

Yeah, but it's no longer kewl and fanky to think that women aren't commodities, whether they're wives or strippers. If women have feelings, it's wrong. Men just have to be sexually stimulated at all times and expecting any kind of fidelity or concern for feelings is just like so lame.

Cabrinha · 04/06/2012 09:39

If my H went to a strip club (and he has, on stags) I'd think he and his mates were quite sad. But leave it at that.
I would be disgusted if he paid for a private dance.

Oogaballoo · 04/06/2012 09:42

"he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently."

The strip club incident sounds like one example among many of your feelings being disregarded, based on what you've said. That's the problem, irrespective of the strip club debate that will probably ensue in this thread- a partner's feelings should be listened to and respected, even if there's a disagreement. And if you regularly feel like this doesn't happen then it'll wear you down and make you unhappy.

RightBuggerforit · 04/06/2012 09:47

Charliefox, you shouldn't have to own or control the other person for them to consider your feeling before acting! They should do that because they love you and care if they upset you. He sounds horrible and I wouldn't put up with him either. It's one thing getting drunk and paying for a dance if he just didn't think about it, but imo it's a another thing to totally dismiss his wife's feelings about it, and not care or be sad that she is so upset and insecure about it. Doesn't sound like a loving marriage to me at all.

Original poster

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 09:58

What is YANBU

OP posts:

DeckSwabber · 04/06/2012 09:58

Well.... You are both being inflexible about this. Are you also guilty of disregarding his feelings?

Obviously I don't know him but if this really is a one off maybe he just wanted to see what it was like in a context where such behaviour is 'allowed' (it being a stag night and all that) and he was probably under quite a bit of pressure to give it a try. He didn't lie to you about it. In all probability it was a bit disappointing.

I don't like men treating women as commodoties but that is probably another argument for another day.

ChaoticismyLife · 04/06/2012 10:06

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable.

OP your DH is a selfish twat who couldn't give a damn about you and your feelings so long as he gets to do what he wants.

BonnieBumble · 04/06/2012 10:07

I'm surprised by the amount of people that are ok with private dances. Thank goodness I married an intelligent man.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 10:09

You sex drive and what you fantasise about and what youlike to do inyour free time has sod all to do with your level of intelligence. .

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 10:10

Sorry for typos on iPad .

soverylucky · 04/06/2012 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 04/06/2012 10:11

Sorry but it's not as if the lapdancers do it out of the goodness of their hearts or because they find the men attractive and can't help themselves - they get paid for goodness sake.

Okay, that doesn't make it any better but I have to say there's nothing remotely intimate or sexy about it really. Men are fools if they think anything different.

I'd be more worried if he spent the night in a bar chatting up other women.

Charliefox · 04/06/2012 10:18

Bonnie bumble, I bet your OH has a few skeletons in the closet that would surprise you. If you think that porn/strip clubs/lap dances/filth of the highest order is uniquely for unintelligent men, then you are seriously in denial!

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