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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 13:45

Has he always been like this? You have been together a long time.

Is this just "heat of the argument stuff" and does he ususally take your feeling into account? Or is this how things ususally go?

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:48

Was it always like this, Traybo2?

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 13:49

I find it sad that so many women are okay with this. I couldnt have married someone and had children with them if they saw women it this way. It saddens me for my daughter as we still have so far to go as a society to achieve equality .

RubyFakeNails · 04/06/2012 13:54

OP your dh does sound a twat. I'd be out of their sharpish if he can't even conceive putting your feelings above his own.

In regards to the lap dancing thing, I'm ok with it. I'm also ok with porn, well some of it, and have watched it with dh.

I've been with my dh for 25 years, since we were 15. So I'd say I know him pretty well and can gauge his feelings in regards to strippers/ dancers etc. I don't doubt I will say something which will offend someone on here but I'm simply trying to explain our feelings towards it, right or wrong.

To me and I think to Dh, the woman doing the lap dancing, or the porn or the private dance is just that a woman, any woman. He doesn't want to marry her, he doesn't want to know or remember all her little nuances and I doubt she gives a shit about his. He's the cash to her.

It is possible to emotionally detach from a sexual act, sometimes dh and I have sex as just 2 people an other times we have sex as husband and wife. Dh is still young and relatively attractive, when we go out I see him talking to other women, they flirt with him, it doesn't bother me because he isn't interested in them, he just wants me for the long term. So some woman gyrates her naked body on him but that's all it is, it's not an emotional connection.

About 20 years ago I went to a party with make strippers, I would be most aggrieved if dh thought that meant I was cheating on him?

I get I may be in the minority. Ideally my dh doesn't have sex with other people, but there have been times we have been on a break and this has happened on both our parts, I got over it as to me it's a physical thing. Just because this doesn't suit you it doesn't mean we are a bit thick or chavvy.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:57

Ruby - if your husband had sex with someone else tonight (IF he did, I know you say that he wouldn't), how would you feel about it? Let's assume there are no feelings there, it's just sex.

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:00

I am sure there are women who have high self esteem, completely in control, not exploited in any way who work in this industry but for every one of these I bet there are a few thousand who have low self- esteem, are manipulated and exploited by men. Doesn't scream intelligence to me to contribute to this.

Original poster

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 14:01

Yes he's always been a defensive person if I question anything. If I roll over and give in to him he will be fine and dandy again. If I'd of known it would come to stuff like this that involves sexual stimulation I wouldn't have married him but until now he's never done it. He just sees it as well I'm 30 and my own person so I decide what I do, and quite rightly with most things. But I will not stay married to someone who is going to do this. If it had been a one off ( once in a lifetime type of thing, you know just to have the experience) then maybe I could of got aoround it but the fact he has stated that any further stag do WILL entail this and he WILL participate in the private dance I won't put up with. Being on a stag do does not IMO give a free pass to view naked women or have them rub up against you even in a controlled camered environment as he calls it

OP posts:

FeministPixie · 04/06/2012 14:01

Op, I asked you if you had DD's because that might've been a key to getting him to see your side of things.

LapisBlue, you have a point about his level of respect generally in the relationship.

OP, do you have some way of calling his bluff on the ultimatum, and would you feel comfortable doing so?

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:02

"if I roll over and give into him" - is this what you really want for yourself?

RubyFakeNails · 04/06/2012 14:03

I'd be quite pissed off. I'd feel a bit hurt.

As I'm here and I'm not looking to shabby. Also theres little to stop him having sex with me.

But, if he went out met someone, had sex and that was it, wasn't going to see them again I could overcome it.

I should make it clear I'm talking about this as a very occasional thing. If he was at a strip club regularly or regularly having sex with lots of different people I would feel he was searching for something else, but if it was say a once a year thing or in term of strip clubs only on stag dos and lads holidays I don't see it as a problem.

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 14:04

You do really have to weigh up if in another 30 years time, when you have spent your whole life "rolling over" to placate someone, you are going to look back and consider that time well spent

RubyFakeNails · 04/06/2012 14:09

Also rainbow there are lots of industries that the majority of people in this country participate in which are known to exploit people. Does that mean they are all stupid.

Where do you buy your clothes from? Do you boycott Nestlé? Are you very stringent in where your food has come from? Do you travel to countries where money from your tourism contributes to the oppression of people or is used to buy weapons? What about some of the pharmaceutical and cosmetic products you purchase? I may be incorrect but I would be extremely surprised if you could prove your life is completely exploitation free. Just becaus esomething is provided by beautiful friendly waitrose rather than a 'seedy' club doesn't mean it has honest harmless roots.

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:12

You know nothing about me . It is possible to be anti-exploitation of vulnerable women and still not shop at Waitrose - which I don't. Do you really believe that unless we live our lives completely avoiding any sort of exploitation that we shouldnt give a toss about the exploitation of women in the sex industry?

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:14

I do a massive amount of voluntary work, as does my dh, for people who are exploited in other countries. I don't see what bearing that has on me supporting or not supporting the sex industry.

CafeNoitSilVousPlait · 04/06/2012 14:16

At least he told you the truth and didn't lie about it - I think if my oh went to a strip club on a stag and paid fOr a private dance I would be more upset if he'd lied about it and I found out later....

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 04/06/2012 14:16

Ruby the difference is with the sex industry, the exploitation is happening right there in front of you - it's what you are paying for. The woman is the product.

RubyFakeNails · 04/06/2012 14:26

I do shop at waitrose

No I don't think that unless you avoid all exploitation you shouldn't care about the sex industry but I do think if you are going to talk about the exploitation of the sex industry and an individuals relationship to that as a defining characteristic of a person it is relevant to look at the exploitation in other industries in their lives. I may personally choose to prioritise the exploitation of children over women.

As you said, on mn we don't know the individual circumstances of posters, so to just say its not intelligent feels wrong to me as you don't know the entire story or the full picture.

^ rambling much? Hope it makes sense.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 14:30

Why does every convo about these things end up about women being exploited. I know that some if them love it, love the money and the fact that all they need to do is take their kit off and dance for a bit.

OP I really do feel so so sorry for you. Leave this selfish twot. If a dance with some random girl is more important than you then there must be some underlying issue anyway

RubyFakeNails · 04/06/2012 14:33

I should also point out that, when I'm talking about lap dancing I do speak from a bit of experience.

When much younger and less saggy I had a brief stint working in a well known 'strip' club in London. It was something my friends got into they found it easy, good money. I thought I would give it a try, but I ended up just barking behind the bar and left shortly after as I was never confident enough to do things like private dances.

It's wrong to make the assumption all women are exploited, as many of them, although I imagine you will say its the patriarchal society that has deluded them, feel the men are the ones being exploited.

The friends I did this with were all student friends, who have gone on to be successful and are very intelligent.

Original poster

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 14:38

No this is not what I want for myself

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:39

For me, it is a defining characteristic of someones intelligence - not intellectual IQ type, but moral/ethical intelligence. It would and does define how I view a person if they find this okay.

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:40

Do you think that only confident women are able to perform private dances?

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 14:41

Totally agree with Ruby @ post 14:09:45

I've never seen anyone advised to leave their DP because they didn't buy fair trade chocolate and tea bags.

It seems people pick and choose what they consider acceptable/unacceptable when it comes to the possible abuse of human beings.

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:44

Of course people pick and choose. You chose what matters most to you. I care about animals but care about people more so wouldn't put my time and energy into animal charity. There are lots of people who feel the other way so instead put their time and energy into animals. Makes sense to me.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 14:44

Yes, confident medical students who are paying for a lavish lifestyle in college and who really enjoy it and then leave and go on to have fabulous lives.

Or at least that's the image that people who want everyone to think this is OK like to portray. It's hard not to be extremely skeptical about that, not least because I've never met a student - medical or any other dicipline - who really wanted to dance around in the nip for drunken pervs.

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