Strip clubs/private dances

[Traybo2]

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

As I said, sensuallettuce I wouldn't judge a sex worker. I am actually really worried about you. I hope everything is wonderful and that your relationship is as great as you say. I do wonder though that your exP used prostitutes, your current partner used prostitutes and you have been involved in the trade yourself. I hope this relationship is not a case of your issues lining up with his issues.

If you are even slightly worried, there are counselling services and organisations who work with people who have left the sex trade.

So I think it's actually okay for us to deem our own relationship as healthy - and ok?

We learn stuff from each others pasts? It's enriching.

Some of the crap on here about supposed "feminism" makes me irate - sometimes is so way off the mark.

I am a bloody counsellor .

And this was 17 years ago!!!

You are a counsellor and therefore you can understand why I am concerned. As I say, I hope everything is great for you. Also, as a counsellor you presumably know how I might view your seeming defensiveness about my trying very hard to be hopefully caring and sensitive queries. If you're OK, then what I think really doesn't matter at all. However, if someone was in an unhealthy and codependent relationship, I might be helping.

If I needed help I wouldn't ask for it here I would go to a professional who's face and credentials I could see :)

Thankfully I don't and I got to a good place a long time ago. Ex husband lived in a country where prostitution was legal and taken there as a 16 yr old by work colleagues. Current OH went with other Navy guys (like it or not it's pretty common in the forces).

Maybe because I was honest that meant they could be too - and they both treated and treat me like ome one they loved in bed - not like someow they may have paid for.

Your concern is quite patronising tbh.

Stockholm syndrome may have drawn you to him.

I'm glad you're sorted. Do bear in mind that some people actually do come here for support. Possibly more in relationships than in AIBU but still. I promise never to show concern for you again

I am an independent single mother of 3 with a career and my own house and was when I met him - no Stockholm syndrome here.

Sorry if that disappoints.

You're being bloody defensive sensuallettuce. Surely you have heard of denial and what it does to people... If that is not the case just be happy and live your life. If everything is hunky dory, our opinion is not important.

However, that does not mean that men using prostitutes (even when they are legal, even when the john is 16, even when their wife is using them and won't have sex) are lovely people. I still think using prostitutes is abusive.

How can I be anything other than defensive? Look at your posts to me, and about men who pay for sex or lap dancers? And how sex workers are only ever victims? My world is not black and white - it has many shades of grey.

I am fine - and I disagree with you.

You said yourself that you were in addiction when you were working. You were in your late teens. You are not a victim now but I would still argue that the teenaged, addicted you was being abused when men had sex with you for money. Would you have had sex with them if you could have accessed free heroin? Would you have had sex with them if they hadn't paid you?

You are also right that use of prostitution is rife in the Armed Forces. As far as I am concerned that doesn't make it right. Anyway, I have to go now. I am really coming from a position that sex workers are not to be judged, vilified or looked down on. I hope that came across.

This would be a deal breaker for me too. Either he loves me and we are loyal to each other and thoughtful or not.

I love my DP to pieces but if he went to one of these places it might well be a dealbreaker for me. It would show me that he wasn't the person I thought he was, and change everything.

It's also seedy and disgusting, and I would consider any man who frequented these establishments (whether or not he had the 'excuse' of being on one of those stupid fucking stag nights) to be seedy and disgusting by association.

I read somewhere that 'cheating' constitutes anything that would make your partner feel genuinely uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to hurt my partner, because I love him. Your partner should feel the same way, OP, and therefore abstain from behaviour that makes you unhappy.

I'm sorry you're in this shitty situation :( I don't for one minute believe that you're in the wrong here.