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Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:02

Feminist is not a dirty word. I am a feminist due to the fact that I believe in gender equality and actively campaign against the objectification of women.

Feminist.

F.E.M.I.N.I.S.T

Shock

Faints.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:04

Porn is pretty shit, too. Try watching some and see what I mean. PUKE. Angry

BartletForAmerica · 04/06/2012 13:05

"My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that."

I don't get that at all. My DH has never been and would never go to a strip club. He has been on a number of stag nights/weekends and NONE of them have ended up in a strip club.

There are plenty of men who value women and do not think it is normal or acceptable to go to strip clubs.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:05

I can't see any difference between this and porn.

It's all based on fantasy.

If PPs have a problem with their OH getting an erection from anything other than gazing into their eyes then they are setting themselves up for massive disappointment.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:05

And I do not believe for one second he would allow me to have the same one on one type of dance by a man, knowing that it would sexually stimulate me. But obviously he says he wouldn't care to make what he's doing ok. Yes it's the first time but he's said he will do it on every stag do he goes on. So I'm just supposed to be ok with this?

OP posts:
MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 13:08

It's not about being sexual beings. Most of us are. It boils down to respect. OP's DP disrespected her, and his response to her disappointment in him is to disrespect her even more by saying he would do it again.

Lapdancers do not simply gaze into men's eyes. The bump and grind and simulate a very intimate act with your partner. That's what they do. I have no problem with women who have no problem with their partners partaking. Just please, try understand how that can be disrespectful to a partner who does see it as extreme titalation that crosses the line between watching porn, and ordering live porn in!

VolkswagenBeetle · 04/06/2012 13:09

I think by saying that he's basically telling you he doesn't give a shit about you and your feelings, there is your get out clause.

It would be a total dealbreaker for me. I would be telling him he can have as many private dances as wants from now on as he certainly won't be getting any from you any more. It's a pity he's such a sad soul he has to pay for it when he had it on tap. Sad, pitiful man.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:09

No, absolutely not. The issues here are two-fold: the fact that he does the degrading-women thing at lap dancing thing and the fact that he doesn't care about your feelings. At all.

I would be horrified beyond belief.

anychocswilldo · 04/06/2012 13:09

I have no problem with porn as the women in these films aren't swinging there tits in dh face or rubbing up against him half naked. Also, if u so choose, u can enjoy porn together. A private lap dance is very up close and personal with no room or thought for their dw just to add that my dh just entering a strip club would end the relationship for me, dh knows this and when he was invited on a stag do a few years ago, that he knew was going to end up at a strip club he didn't go.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:09

Yes but with porn he is technically stimulating himself and that isn't the case with a private room. Iv watched crap porn with him not gor long as just was cheesy. I get that they are both fantasy but to me their entirely different. So is it ok for me to hire a bloke to do the same as their are no clubs that provide this servic, is that acceptable, cuz to me if I did I would be crossing the line

OP posts:
LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:11

No it wouldn't be OK for you to do it either. Not really going to happen though, is it - given that men control the sex industry.

More to the point, you simply wouldn't do it as you respected him - past tense.

Chubfuddler · 04/06/2012 13:11

Feminists on a women's talk forum. Would've have thought it.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:13

Hmm I disagree with most opinions about lap dancing clubs and porn expressed here - and I think some posters are justifying pirn but not strip clubs wtf?

I do however think the OPs husband is an arse for not caring about her feelings on this.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:13

Exactly lapisblue

OP posts:
HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 13:14

Haven't read the whole thread and I am sure lots of people have said this but;

It's not so much the lap dance / private dance. Lots of people wouldn't be happy with that, others wouldn't mind. It's personal to each couple.

However, you are clearly not happy with it and his reponse is to tell you he doesn't care what you think, he won't consider your views and feelings and will behave exactly how he wishes without any consideration towards you or how you feel.

That is a HUGE problem. It wouldn't matter whether the subject was lap dancing, growing a beard, getting a dog or moving house.

That he refuses to give your views any valididty or take account of your feelings is a problem. A big one I am afraid.

VashtiBunyan · 04/06/2012 13:15

There clearly is a difference between porn and a lap dance. A lap dance is not just a 'fantasy.' Another person is there touching the OP's partner.

Some people are okay with porn and lapdancing.
Some people are okay with porn but not lapdancing.
Some people are okay with neither.

None of that translates into thinking you partner must never think sexually about anybody other than you.

It is up to the OP to decide what she is prepared to deal with in a relationship. The fact that somebody else thinks it is all fine doesn't make it so for her. Some people are in open relationships where their partner has many other sexual partners. That is their choice; it doesn't mean we all have to be in such relationships.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:17

Yes erm thanks for pointing out those blindingly obvious points vashtiBunyan Hmm

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 13:17

Feminists on a women's talk forum. Would've have thought it.

Yeah. I only came here by mistake. I was looking for puntersnet, and instead I'm confronted by people who care about the dignity of women. Don't I feel a chump.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:17

He basically told me to leave if I ain't happy with it. So in my eyes that shim saying me googling over some stripper and being able to f*ck about like a single man is more important to him than our marriage. I don't think he's cheated or anything like that. But the more I think about this I don't need to waste the rest of my life with someone who clearly doesn't love or care about me like I do him.that response said it all tbh

OP posts:
BonnieBumble · 04/06/2012 13:18

You sound very defensive sensuallettuce.

garlicfanjo · 04/06/2012 13:19

Oh dear, Traybo, it did say it all didn't it :(

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:19

And apparantly it's all down to me and my issues. No mate I just don't think it's write your paying to have fanny and boobs rubbed all over you when your married and made a commitment to me

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:19

And yes IMO a lap dance is a fantasy - or are we saying if we watch live theatre that what is goingon on stage is also real?

VashtiBunyan · 04/06/2012 13:19

Well clearly they're not blindingly obvious to some people on this thread, who seem to think that what their partners do is the model by which we should all be living our lives because all men are exactly the same.

BonnieBumble · 04/06/2012 13:20

Live theatre tells a story and is not about paying for erections.