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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
VashtiBunyan · 04/06/2012 13:20

If the actor gets down off the stage and rubs his cock against my vulva, I would say that it is really happening.

MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 13:21

Sensuallettuce what a rubbish argument. Going to the theatre is not an interactive experience. The audience sit's and watches but does not get involved. See the difference?

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:21

Do I? I'm not.

I just think a lot of "feminist" ideas on here are a load of bollocks tbh, but I accept that's not a popular opinion.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:23

Going to the theatre isn't an interactive experience? What about panto?! Comedy?

And if you go to a "decent" strip club (contradiction in terms for some on here) you are NOT allowed to touch the girls.

lattelov3r · 04/06/2012 13:23

OP please leave this man knobber and find someone who respects you aside from your op your follow up posts show he has no regard for your feelings or your relationship get out now

VashtiBunyan · 04/06/2012 13:25

But the girls are allowed to touch the men. This is what the OP is saying about the club her partner has visited.

Again, I have never been to a panto where Aladdin got down off the stage and rubbed his cock against my vulva.

FeministPixie · 04/06/2012 13:25

LOL Chubfuddler! and RAH RAH :gets feminist pom-pom's out for LapisBlue:

OP YANBU at all. Ask him how he would feel if it was his daughter/sister/wife up there. If he wouldn't like it, then he's a hypocrite. (leaving out the objectification side of things in my post because other posters have already tackled it quite well).

I am quite pleased that my DP doesn't watch porn, doesn't like the idea of strip clubs and finds the idea of paying for sexual services squicky.

I think I've found a unicorn, sadly.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:26

Porn, lapdancing and any combination thereof = men making a lot of money out of women.

Pimps, Porn directors, club owners, internet publishers.

Same revolting, degrading difference in my very humble opinion.

FeministPixie · 04/06/2012 13:27

Oh, and OP, do you have any daughters?

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:27

Ooh I like a pom pom. And bunting, incidentally. And fairy lights, actually. Grin

MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 13:28

Sensuallettuce, you telling me I could get a bump and grind and willy wiggling at a comedy show?

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:29

I have a friend who is a lap dancer (am actually friends with her mum more than her).

She has travelled all over the world, lived in Vegas and has modelled in Zoo and Nuts and made A LOT of money.

She's quite grounded and happy and has now settled down with her B/f to have a family - her family (inc her brother) are fine with it and proud of her.

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 13:29

I think all this debate about porn and lap dancing is rather clouding the issue here.

The OPs H doesn't give a shit about her views or her feelings. That the issue in this case is a lap dance is by the by. He could be as dismissive and uncaring about her feelings on any topic at all - and it's his lack of respect for her and his statement that he will behave however he likes without ever considering her feelings that is the problem.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:30

I am saying any live show is interactive.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 13:31

This is about sex though, HRH - it cuts right to the heart of a couple's intimate relationship so the lap dancing thing is very relevant I think.

Yes it would be angry-making if he never did anything about the house but the sex thing...this is ugly.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 13:32

I think I've found a unicorn, sadly.

No, you haven't. The majority of men are like that - mine is as well. We're being conditioned to think that this is how all men behave and treat women because there's an enormous amount of money to be made from this kind of business, and more if women think it's OK as well. But it's not true. Few men would treat their partner in the way the OP's has done, few would tell their partner to leave if they don't like them going to stripping clubs. That kind of thing is just not normal.

Trashing your relationship and your partner's feelings like that to excuse your behaviour is not good, it's not standard and it's not something anyone should have to put up with.

FlippinCheekOfIt · 04/06/2012 13:32

My husband's stag do consisted of an uninterrupted-by-wimmin trip to the scrap yard, fish and chips for dinner, followed by an evening of 2006 FIFA World Cup on the Xbox with his mates also uninterrupted. So glad I married a nerd :o

anychocswilldo · 04/06/2012 13:34

I think that if he's telling u to leave if u don't like it, that u should tell u all u need to know. Chuck him out, at the very least to call his bluff. He is a wanker who appears to have little regard for u, life's too short to b treated this way!

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:34

No we have two sons 7 yrs and 5 months

OP posts:
HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 13:35

Lapis- him not do ing anything around the house is not the same issue

The issue is his complete lack of repsect for her, his refusal to give her feelings or views and validity at all, his refusal to consider her in his future actions and his ultimatium of "accept my behaviour or leave"

I just feel the lap dance is actually far less of an issue than his treatment of her and his complete disregard and lack of repsect for her.

MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 13:36

Sensuallettuce you are mudding the waters here. Live shows are not interactive in the way lap dancing is. Comedians don't like to be heckled, and try joining in the next time you go see a play at a theatre and see how much they like it.

Regardless, the OP's husband has disrespected her and disregarded her feelings, and that is what this thread is all about.

I'm another one with a Unicorn here. My DP has high standards for himself which he lives by, which is what drew me to him in the first place.

MsPaperbackWriter · 04/06/2012 13:37

Sorry op, he sounds like a disrespectful shit.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:37

Yes - and I have acknowledged that Mecook.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:40

Nice to know iv wasted 12 years with someone who couldn't give two shits about me :-(

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 13:44

Is he just being stubborn Traybo2?

Sometimes my OH backs himself into a corner over things like a kid and digs his heels in because he can't see any other way out IYSWIM.