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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
Sausageeggbacon · 04/06/2012 12:00

DH has been to stags and some guys birthdays at strip clubs. Apparently the private dance is at a minimum of 3ft separation and no contact or the club risks been shut down. Personally I have no problem with him going on the only issue would be the money spent but he uses his allowance how he likes (we both have personal money to spend on what we like). So long as he looks but doesn't touch just means he comes home frisky and TBH that is not a bad thing Wink

TidyDancer · 04/06/2012 12:01

Strip club itself is not a big deal, private dance would bother me though.

I think your position on this is totally sensible and reasonable.

garlicfanjo · 04/06/2012 12:02

So imagine you come home from the shops and find your fiance's mates, all very very drunk, in your living room. With them are a couple of your female friends, naked except for a thong and high heels, doing sexy dancing in front of the men. The men are shouting stuff at them, like "Get your pants off" and "You need a boob job, love."

You can't see your fiance so you find in in one of the bedrooms with another woman friend. She's taken off her thong and is leaning over him with one of her breasts in his open mouth, rubbing her naked fanjo over his (clothed) crotch.

You find out the men have paid your friends £50 each. Does this make it OK?

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 12:02

"he comes home frisky" from being stimulated by other women? Hey ho - your choice!

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 12:05

And yes I have been to a lap-dancing club to see what happens. It was utterly revolting. The contempt and hatred the men had towards the women made me cry - the shouting, the insults, the vile sexual slurs.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 12:07

garlicfanjo, that's what I'm wondering. I can't work out what part of this makes it OK. There's obviously some reason why some women will accept it, but noone seems keen to articulate it. Is it because we're all modern and cool and ironic these days? Or because of money changing hands? Or because poor men and their inability to be all under the thumb in front of their banty mates? Or because there's an alcohol license in these places?

"he comes home frisky" from being stimulated by other women? Hey ho - your choice!

It doesn't sound like the higest self esteem I've ever heard of.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 04/06/2012 12:11

YANBU. You don't have to be OK with this. Not all men do this, it's not 'biology'. Personally I couldn't be with somebody who held women in such low regard, or somebody who so obviously didn't give a shit about how I felt.

garlicfanjo · 04/06/2012 12:14

Traybo, I used to put up with this because - well, because I thought I ought to, you know? It made me feel massively uncomfortable and, basically, insulted. Although I knew the theory says I was insecure about my body - I knew I wasn't, since I was going through a fitness obsession at the time. It was the fact that I felt he was being unfaithful (now I'd say he was) and, worse, had a fundamental contempt for women that must logically extend to me.

He wouldn't stop going and my feelings about it grew more painful. As you've said, it showed he didn't care that I was hurt & upset. So that reinforced my feeling that he despises women in general; me in particular.

Unlike you, Sausage, bless you, I do know what a private dance entails. I'd have zero tolerance for sex-industry engagement in any future partners. Not because I want to control them: because I don't want to be with anyone who sees women like that.

Wishing you luck, OP. It's a tough call and you shouldn't have to make it :(

MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 12:16

I would not be happy for my DP to be visiting stripclubs, never mind paying for a dance. YANBU. You have entered into a monogamous relationship. He has gone elsewhere for sexual titalation, and paid for a dirty dance. It's more than just watching porn, but paying to be involved. It's not on, as far as I am concerned. If my partner did that, he knows, don't come back. Don't disrespect me like that!

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 12:17

YANBU at all.

I'd go INSANE if I knew my DP had had a private dance. I wouldn't mind a few of them going and enjoying themselves though.
I'm luckily enough to know that's not his thing though, also his ex used to be a dancer and he didn't like it then

These private dances are sometimes a lot more than a dance anyway! I personally know a girl who works there, her and the other girls ahem finger each other etc for the men's pleasure.

BonnieBumble · 04/06/2012 12:25

CharlieFox. I most certainly am not in denial! I stand by my statement that lap dancer clubs are for unintelligent men. I also think that they are very chavvy.

If you are happy to support the objectification of women and line the pockets of the sleazy men who run these establishments then go ahead after all it's not as if you are breaking the law or anything. Just don't be surprised when people look down their noses at you and think that you are chavvy and a bit thick.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 12:27

Just don't be surprised when people look down their noses at you and think that you are chavvy and a bit thick.

Or pity you and your lack of self esteem.

looktoshinford · 04/06/2012 12:33

3 pages before our resident feminists begin to arrive.

Are you a feminist OP? MN get a lot of these kinds of threads, probably to drum up 'business' for that section. Nothing like a good 'objectifying women' thread on the jubilee.

Its pretty unusual for the Groom to be the only one to have a dance I think, primarily because it stops other stags from rushing home and telling everything that happened. As a minimum the best man normally has one too.

OP - if your DH doesn't visit clubs outside of the stag do, then its nothing to be concerned about. He was probably grimacing through the whole experience, muttering your name to himself over and over.

garlicfanjo · 04/06/2012 12:36

I don't know, Apocalypse. If I think about it too hard, I might have to conclude that women are afraid their men will leave them if they don't like the men getting kicks from sexually exploiting other women for money. I might think this showed the WAGs up as so desperate for a man, they'd wave him off to stick his face in another woman's genitals for fun and not call it 'sex'. That would lead me to think about how the men put their enjoyment of another woman's genitals before their partner's feelings and/or dignity.

I don't want to think of ordinary people like that ... :(

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 12:38

No I'm not a feminist just don't want no naked women on my man especially him choosing to pay for it to me it's like paying a prosie

OP posts:
soverylucky · 04/06/2012 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 12:40

Its pretty unusual for the Groom to be the only one to have a dance I think, primarily because it stops other stags from rushing home and telling everything that happened. As a minimum the best man normally has one too.

That's lovely. All boys together talking the same dare so no-one tells mum.

That would lead me to think about how the men put their enjoyment of another woman's genitals before their partner's feelings and/or dignity.

But it's all OK these days because feelings and respect are like so last centuary.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 12:40

I doubt that very much he seems pretty impressed with himself about it and can't wait to do it again despite my feelings

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 12:46

Are we not allowed to look at the opposite sex as "sexual beings" now then?! Hmm.

I thought that was the whole point of everything.

anychocswilldo · 04/06/2012 12:55

Sorry, this would be a deal breaker for me! The way I see it is if a woman dh knew took her clothes off, rubbed up against him and he happily sat there and watched and no doubt got an erection because of it I would consider that cheating. Paying for it doesn't make that better or different for me. In fact it makes it worse because he sought it out and used our money to pay her for it. I'm not saying u should leave the bastard I would but how u feel is important. Everyone has different opinions on this, it's yours that counts!

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 12:56

Presumably the people who wouldn't be happy do not approve of porn either then?

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 12:56

Is that honestly what you got from what people are saying here?

VashtiBunyan · 04/06/2012 13:00

Hi Traybo.

How I would feel about it would be:

  1. Shocked that my DH wanted to go to lap dancing clubs and that he was friends with other men who would do likewise.
  2. Cheated on that he had a private dance.
  3. Upset that he was ignoring my feelings.

I don't think of myself as being particularly sheltered. Before I was married, I lived with a group of men, and since marriage have worked in two jobs where most of my colleagues were men and worked abroad in a team with one woman and all others men and we were sharing accommodation. I have had a lot of very frank discussions about sex with men but I don't know any men who visit lap dancing clubs.

I am sure that there are people on here whose partners visit them, and as birds of a feather flock together, they have friends who have similar views. To them I am sure it does seem the norm that this is what men do and that all men do it. But it isn't the case. You do have a choice about the kind of man you want to be in a relationship with; all men are not the same. Decide what is important to you, how important this is to you, and if your DH is going to continue disregarding your feelings, think about if you really want to continue in this relationship. And the kind of situation you are in, solicitors are very used to hearing such stories as a reason why people are separating.

TeaJunky · 04/06/2012 13:01

Lapisblue- Exactly what I thought Hmm

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 13:02

I can live with porn. With lap dancing you are there physically and mentally with porn they are real ppl obviously but there not actually there, physically. Like I said before just cuz he can't touch her she if she pleases can him. Iv been reading reviews on these places and it's amazing how much extras are available all hush hush

OP posts: