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Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 20:42

As long as she is safe that is something. I worked in a rehab and my personal and professional opinion is that no one in active addiction is really happy. I hope she finds some help.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 20:43

Not ALL protitiutes are in addiction.

I also worked in addictions for 7 yrs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 20:49

Please actually read my posts. I didn't say all were in addictions. A very high proportion will have been abused as children. Are you really arguing that because a very few prostitutes may be aware, happy and fulfilled that means that your ex and you DF never had sex with a prostitute who was unhappy? I'm sure they checked and everything.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 20:53

But there is no way of checking MrsT, that's why some people will take their chances rather than write off a whole industry because some people have been exploited and abused.

Which again, is the same as many many other industries that we don't write off but have no way of checking.

MeCookGoodSock · 05/06/2012 10:03

I do have a problem with the line that "most prostitutes have been sexually abused" 1 in 4 women are sexually interfered with by the age of 16. So it stands to reason that 1 in 4 women in any profession has experienced sexual abuse.

sensuallettuce · 05/06/2012 10:34

What either me or my partner did before we met and entered into our current relationship is irrelevant.

We are very happy and very trusting and I have no worries that he will turn to a prostitute now or at any time in the future as much as I can be sure I won't turn to anyone else either.

He was in a different time and place then. To a degree we are all responsible for our own actions whatever we have been through in life.

garlicfanjo · 05/06/2012 10:50

MeCook, 1 in 4 is a hundred percent too many but it isn't "most". I worked on one of the first large-scale studies of prostitutes in the UK (before widespread trafficking) and our findings were that 100% had experienced childhood abuse. The majority included sexual abuse. We had a problem with the definition of sexual abuse back then; it was much narrower than today's. It was nonetheless clear that ALL the women came from backgrounds that damaged their self-worth and objectified them. This was true of successful, happy prostitutes as well as the mainstream.

Trafficked women, of course, are viciously abused during the conversion process if not before.

ledkr · 05/06/2012 10:57

Blimey op to say that to you is hideous. You obviously aint got a "well fit man" either as he has to purchase female attention. The prat.

WhiteWidow · 05/06/2012 10:59

He deserves a swift kick to the goolies.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 05/06/2012 13:00

He's being selfish. If I took issue with my OH having a private dance in a strip club (don't think I'd be that bothered in fairness) I'd expect him to accept this and not have one in future. It's not about who's right or wrong, it's about him realising you are upset and your feelings need to come first.

Weathermerrier · 07/06/2012 13:45

I would take this as a total betrayal. Men are not animals they are human beings capable of making moral decisions.
If my DH did this I think I'd punch him.
Not only does it make u feel like crap it doesn't reflect very well on how he views women

Weathermerrier · 07/06/2012 13:47

And the prostitute thing makes me feel sick tbh.
Prostitution is never ok and I couldnt be with someone who had used a prostitute.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 08/06/2012 10:23

I did not read the whole thread yet, but am simply amazed at the amount of people who think that lap dances and strip clubs are ok, and if you are somehow against exploitation of women, then you have low self esteem. Eweeeeeee. To be honest, I would have fewer problems with my DH going off and having actual sex with somebody for free and with both parties doing it out of their own free wills and enjoyment, than with him going into a lap dancing club. Lap dancing clubs and all associated business are vile sleazy places full of hatred for women. I would be mortified if I found myself married to somebody who treated women like that. I will never forget walking the red light district in Amsterdam and seeing that LOOK in men's eyes when they eyed up the prostitutes in the windows. They looked at them like they were pieces of meat. It made me feel like a piece of meat too. And this has nothing to do with low self esteem. Empathy is a natural reaction when you see exploitation and oppression.

MadamFolly · 08/06/2012 13:07

Leave the bastard

I'm so sorry you have found out that the man you loved and married is a complete shit. :(

MrsClown · 08/06/2012 13:23

Guess what, I am a feminist and proud of it because I think both genders should be equal and respected. It would be a deal breaker if my DH even went to one of those vile places. I wouldnt like to think my husband would buy a woman. I would worry about the way he viewed women. I cant believe how many women just accept it because they are scared of being seen as prudes, control freaks, frigid etc etc.

Has anyone read Stripping the Illusion - if you haven't please do. I learned a lot from that book. They even have a name for when the stripper puts her vagina in a man's face - its called Dirty Dancing (bit different from the film) and it goes on in those places.

By the way, I do not have low self esteem - I do not hate men - I adore my DH, DS, father and my male friends.

MrsClown · 08/06/2012 13:24

By the way - love and hugs to the OP. I don't know you but one thing I am sure of - you deserve to be treated better than he is doing. you are a human being with feelings and you are right to be hurt - I would feel the same.

MsPaperbackWriter · 08/06/2012 20:02

How are you op?

Krumbum · 08/06/2012 20:28

He has no respect for you. It's cheating. If he weren't paying for it and just had a woman dance sexily for him it'd be cheating, it's no different. Invite over a hot guy and outrageously flirt in front of your dh, then ask him if your too possessive. Also he has no respect for any women, strip clubs are not nice places for dancers they earn money by being used as objects, any man who actually cares about women would not be funding the sex trade and exploitation of women just to get a few sexual kicks.

perceptionreality · 08/06/2012 21:28

Going back to the point about prostitution - I remember a conversation I had with a man where he said that some of the prostitutes in Amersterdam were very attractive but that he would never have bought a woman - it was a line that he wouldn't cross and very much disagreed with.

So I do think that it's a myth that all men are likely to have this kind of thing as a part of their sexuality and that for those that do, it's been a part of their upbringing or a pattern formed when they were much younger (an observation of mine - no idea if this bears out generally).

sensuallettuce · 08/06/2012 22:04

I would never judge anyone who sold their body for sex just as much as I would never judge anyone I fell in love with for things they had done in their past.

I have a past too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2012 22:13

I would judge someone for things they had done in the past. If I found out DH had murdered someone or abused a child, I would judge him. I think using prostitutes is exploitation and agree with other posters that it says something about how they see all women.

I wouldn't judge a sex worker though. I have had the unfortunate experience of counselling someone who was in a heroin addiction and trying to talk herself out of selling sex for the first time. She was in floods of tears talking to me and needed the heroin very badly. I don't know if she did sell herself that night. I do know that she is now dead. I also work with her sister, who is thankfully in recovery. She will never stop missing her sister but feels that her death is better than where she was.

I could tell you hundreds of stories but some people will always discount the misery and horror of it. The violence and rape and abuse and sick, sick things 'normal' men do to these women, girls, men and boys.

DrCoconut · 08/06/2012 22:16

My ex was heavily into porn, strippers etc. I found out to my cost that he has very little respect for women. DH doesn't go to lap dancing places, spend money on dirty DVDs etc and we are still happily married. The pattern is.....?

Krumbum · 08/06/2012 22:17

In your past did you rape someone? Because he doesn't know if that woman was trafficked, underage or out of her head on drugs, it's a very real possibility. It's more important to protect women from sexual abuse than be all psudeo liberal 'I don't judge people'.

sensuallettuce · 08/06/2012 22:17

Well - I was a heroin addict for 3 years in my late teens and sold my body for sex many times.

My OH and I have a great relationship with the utmost respect for each other, we are soulmates and adore each other.

The past is exactly that.

Krumbum · 08/06/2012 22:21

This has obviously tinted your view of the respect women deserve as you have been treated very badly by men. The men who bought sex from you when you were at the lowest point of your life were abusing you and your partner did the same thing to another woman, he is no different.