Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 04/06/2012 10:18

Stupid person alert here, but what actually happens in a private dance at a strip club? Is it the girl gyrating in front of a bloke who's paid her? Is it in a separate room? Is it more than that??

soverylucky · 04/06/2012 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charliefox · 04/06/2012 10:21

Yes, it's a girl gyrating in front of the guy, very up close and personal! Very very! Can be either in the public area or a separate room.

lovebunny · 04/06/2012 10:25

can you live with it or not?
if you can't, leave.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/06/2012 10:34

YANBU - he should care about your feelings. I know there is a sharp divide in opinions about strip clubs, but my opinion is that they are unacceptable. I think they are damaging to women, encourage the view that women's bodies are commodities and getting a private dance when in a relationship is tantamount to cheating. There are many posters on MN who vehemently disagree with this view - but that doesn't matter - it is your view that matters. It should matter to your husband too.

Babylon1 · 04/06/2012 10:36

I think I'd be more pissed off that he spent the cash on a dance, not the actual dance itself IYSWIM.

It honestly doesn't bother me. DH goes on a lads holiday every year or so, and whether it's abroad or somewhere in uk, I know they go to strip clubs and I know DH has had private dances before.

It's a fantasy for them isn't it, they're not allowed to touch etc and it must a much more pleasant experience for him than trying to persuade me to dance wobble by bits around for him!!

I don't necessarily think YABU, it is each to their own. I personally don't mind and think it's a bit of fun. Smile

Flicktheswitch · 04/06/2012 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Margerykemp · 04/06/2012 10:59

If this isn't cheating then what the **ll is?

lopopo · 04/06/2012 10:59

Ok my husband won't go to strip clubs even on stag nights. He thinks they are degrading to both sexes...I don't think YABU at all. I had to do quite a bit research in to these clubs for research for work and a "private dance" can involve a bit more than dancing especially in a private area. I would be less than impressed frankly. But that's just me.

looktoshinford · 04/06/2012 11:09

The whole idea of a stag do is to celebrate being male and single. It would defeat the purpose if wives/girlfriends were considered in the rules.

It sounds like you tried to set boundaries beyond what most people regard as cheating OP, and your DH disagreed. Hes also been honest with you about what happened. If you cant live with that, then leave, but I suspect its the man you married and not some new aspect of his character. He probably thinks you are being very controlling about something that is just a bit of fun on a crazy 'last' night out with the groom.

Just make sure you really let loose on the next Hen do :)

Bethan31 · 04/06/2012 11:10

Bonnie - I'm with you! I would say wasting hard earned cash on strip clubs is not intelligent. From a moral point of view, would these men be happy if it were their daughters stripping in the future? I find it repulsive.

lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 11:16

Disagree with strip clubs altogether, completely demeanign to women.

I would tolerate my partner going to one if it was a stag do and he was just following the crowd.

If he paid for a private dance I'd be disgusted.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 11:17

So it's controlling to not like your husband paying a naked stranger to rub up against him for the express purposs of sexual stimulation.

Is it because money changes hands or does it not matter who he does this with so long as it's celebrating being boys with the other boys? It's not cheating so long as his friend is egging him on?

lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 11:19

Oh and by the way I think there's a very fien line between saying I'm ok for my husband to pay for a woman to strip for him, and I'm ok for my husband to shag a prostitute, very, very fine line imo.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 11:27

Is the difference that it's in a designated building with a license for alcohol rather than in the street?

I'm struggling with this.

xkittyx · 04/06/2012 11:29

Even more bemused by some of what l am reading here. A stag night a celebration of being male and single? What, when someone is about to gd6t married?
My DH and l were deeply committed and deeply in love. He didnt have a stag do as its not his thing but l can't begin to work out where 'celebrating his singleness' would have been remotely appropriate.
When in our culture did this shit become supposedly mainstream?

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 11:30

What is YANBU

Nice one OP

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 11:31

I wouldnt have an issue with my husband going to a strip club on a mens night out/stag do.. I would however not be at all happy if he paid for a private dance. To me there is a line that would have been crossed there. If it had been his own stag do, and his mates had clubbed together to pay for it, because he was the "stag", I wouldnt be bothered and would expect that to happen.

YANBU Op.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 11:32

A stag night a celebration of being male and single?

Yes, for husbands.

Oh.

looktoshinford · 04/06/2012 11:41

So its not a celebration 'farewell' to a guy getting married then?

Odd. It must be a homage to marriage then. With strippers.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 11:45

So its not a celebration 'farewell' to a guy getting married then?

Apparently it's a celebration of being single for a guy who is going to relinquish that state (apparently willingly) which includes guys who are married. And naked women sexually stimualting them which is completely different to husbands being sexually stimulated by other women for reasons that aren't entirely clear.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 11:55

I can deal with him going in to the strip club. What I'm finding difficult is the fact he thinks it's fine to go in to another room for a private dance out of the main area. It was his friends stag do not his, he is the best man. And also the fact that he knows how I feel yet still says he will do it again and again whenever he's on a stag do.i just don't know where the boundaries are these days just seems to be whatever he feels exceptable and in just meant to like it or lump it. So you know what think I'll lump it. I deserve a person that does at least care and acknowledge my opinion and I deserve to be happy

OP posts:
LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 11:55

When did lap-dancing become mainstream? When did on-line pornography become "acceptable"? When did degrading sexualised images become increasing OK OK OK OK?

Dunno. Maybe twenty years ago when "FHM" was published - the oh-so-ironic sexist woman-hating magazine. And then it went on from there.

How on earth a woman can have no problem with her OH PAYING for a woman to dance naked around her husband, to straddle him and probably a lot more than she doesn't gets told about, amazes me. How a woman has no problem with her OH even going to a lapdancing club in the first place, amazes me. Perhaps if she actually went to one to see what goes on, she would have a problem with it. A big problem.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 11:57

Traybo2 - good for you. GOOD. Just read your post. Good.

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 11:58

Oh and to clarify the PRIVATE dance is out of view of main punters in another room, women is completely naked not even a thong, dancing and rubbing herself on a man. Surly this is sexual stimulation and even though he isn't allowed to touch her she's still stimulating him, to me that's physical contact which I did not sign up gor when I took my wedding vows

OP posts: