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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 9yo to watch the baby for a bit?

220 replies

technotwat · 02/06/2012 15:13

We are currently having major building work done on the house which means we are having to live in a caravan in the garden. We have a kettle and toaster in the caravan but cooking a proper meal has to be done in the chaos that passes for a kitchen.

I ask my 9yo to sit with my 20mo for 30 mins and watch cBeebies maybe every 2/3 days for this sort of reason - DP works, and the house is completely un-toddler-proof atm. Think loose brickwork, rewiring, missing windows...

I have tried all sorts to make it possible to get stuff done in the house - I can put him in a sling but then he kicks my hands when I am using knives etc, he will not sit in a highchair or buggy for more than 10 mins without screaming and then escaping from the straps... Distraction only works so far with him, he wants to be free to fiddle with stuff [sigh] and he isn't very stomach-orientated so I can't even feed him endless snacks to get him to sit still as he just isn't interested.

I need to cook some soup but DD is refusing point blank to do it today. Stropping, yelling, telling me its not her job and she doesn't want to because she is BUSY.

AIBU to tell her that means she will not get a cooked meal tonight and will have to make herself a sandwich for tea?

OP posts:
lattelov3r · 02/06/2012 20:37

YANBU i sometimes get my 6 year old to amuse rather than supervise my 8 month old so i can get dinner on etc, we all pull together in this house and children do as they are told, at 9 i wouldnt be taking no for an answer personally

fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2012 20:50

"I'm busy", is bloody rude. So far as I'm concerned, if a parent asks their child for a bit of help, refusal is not an option. As has been stated, OP is hardly asking for hours of child care - it is no hardship to read a book in one room, rather than another.

I ask my 10, 12 and 15 year old dc to play with/help/keep an eye on their 4 year old sister, while I cook/nip to the loo/get the washing in. It's not a big deal.

Older children, while they may have to help more than younger ones, also get things that the younger ones don't - like later bedtimes or more pocket money.

GinPalace · 02/06/2012 20:56

YANBU - all members of the family need to contribute what they can to what keeps that family and makes life possible, it is part of the give and take of life. It isn't her 'job' you don't get one of those till you are older, but it is her duty as a member of the team, being a watchful eye for a short time a few times a week is hardly beyond a 9yo!

IMO everyone from the top down in a family is involved and chips in - pulls together. Those with the greatest capacity contribute the most. My 1.11 feeds the dog each day and tidies his toys away at the end of each day, it is what he can manage (with help of course) and he is rewarded with praise and feeling valued.

Your 9yo needs to realise that there is only one mum and she can't be in two places at once, so while she is making the food the baby needs protection, if she wants the family to eat - she helps. It is not a permanent arrangement and she wins the trust and appreciation of her Mum.

GinPalace · 02/06/2012 20:57

Can't believe you got flak from some people for this. Hmm

Jux · 02/06/2012 21:04

I think it is utterly ridiculous to think a 9yo can't look after a toddler. When I was 9 I was regularly sent in school holidays to help aunts with new babies, as we're many of my cousins. We could make up a bottle, change a nappy, dress a toddler and keep them amused for hours.

My family went to a private camp every year, where the adults were busy in the mornings. The older kids looked after the younger kids. We would all go for walks in the woods, we would organise activities and all sorts.

I have a relative with 8 children. The older ones look after the younger ones, well when they were kids they did. One of them was changing nappies at less than 9yo, not because she had to but because she wanted to help her mum and could see that it was helpful. They are all grown up now with children of their own who are in turn married and beginning to have children. They are the nicest bunch of people you could hope to meet.

It's utter nonsense that a 9yo shouldn't just bloody watch a younger sibling for half an hour.

I'd send her to bed very early or something that'll matter to her. You're a family and family members help each other, and children help or they are in danger of growing into thoroughly selfish adults.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 02/06/2012 21:14

Well said jux. Think a child will be far more balanced than having attitude helping not my job, or I want payment to help mum. Some days ds will be made to go places dd wants to it will all even out.

RubyFakeNails · 02/06/2012 21:24

Can't believe this thread is still going over such a non-issue. I posted earlier saying the OP is completely reasonable to expect her DD to help.

At 9 her job is to be the child and do as she is bloody well told. From when I was about 8 my DM and Aunt used to go and do their shopping leaving me to care for my 2 cousins who were baby and toddler. That was for an afternoon. DD1 and DS were 10 and 11 when DD2 was born I would leave them to care for her for an hour or 2 while I popped out or did things in the garden etc.

People are being way too precious about it all. Families are built on everyone chipping in otherwise you would all just be housemates. The attitude of some posters explains to me why some kids now are such entitled brats.

Ouluckyduck · 02/06/2012 21:28

Hear hear Ruby.

exoticfruits · 02/06/2012 22:15

Well said Jux and Ruby! I fear for society in the future when you get to the state where ' the little princess' can sit there and say 'I am too busy' and doormat mother says 'there, there dear- I'm sorry that a was presumptuous enough to ask, of course I I'll do it while I am cooking your meal and do 101 other jobs' because the unwritten rule is that mothers do everything in the family while other members sit around and don't lift a finger because it was their mother's choice to have them!

LauraShigihara · 02/06/2012 22:25

Of course she should help. My eight year old does plenty of chores and if he had a younger sibling who needed watching, he would.

Stick to your guns OP Grin

DamnBamboo · 02/06/2012 22:31

Yes, because everybody who disagrees with this must be a doormat with completely disrepectful children who they can't control musn't they Hmm

Same as every child who doesn't jump to it when parents ask them to must also be a brat.

Loving the generalisations on here!

thatisall · 02/06/2012 22:55

Im sure the 9 y o is completely capable of minding a well behaved 20 month old.

BUT it is not her responsibility. If she was happy to do this then fine, it is shocking however to see how many people would suggest punishing her for saying she doesn't want to. Yes 'Im busy' sounds a little selfish, but perhaps there is a deeper reason why she doesn't want to do it?? Frankly if the child's auntie or uncle for example left her in such circumstances after she had said se didn't want to then the OP would most likely be on here in a rage complaining about it.

I asked my 9 yo daughter about this. She said she'd love to babysit for my 20 month old niece, but that she could be a handful sometimes and that if she changed her mind or didn't want to one time, she was sure I would respect that. (obviously not her exact words but that was basically what she was saying)

Just because a child is capable of something doesn't mean its ok. Just because a child isn't made to look after siblings, doesn't mean that they don't have other responsibilities or that they are a princess or a brat!!!!

My dd has no siblings for example, but is managing to grow into a sensible, balanced young lady without that responsibility thank you very much.

I would never force or blackmail a child into babysitting, not because I am a doormat, but because I am teaching my dd about respect and that includes the respect that others, including adults ought to show her, when she doesn't want to take on their responsibilities.

WorriedWart · 03/06/2012 06:29

YANBU. My 7 year old DS often watches his 14 month old sister while I put some food together in the evening. They are in the next room where I can hear them & I pop in and out.

If he ever has a grumble about it and tells me that he is busy then I just say "I need you to help me out so we can have a nice meal" . I would definitely tell him off if he refused to help. I always praise him afterwards & say thank you & sometimes I put an extra £1 in his pocket money jar.

My DS has a few jobs he does around the house & he knows they need to be done, whether he's 'busy' or not. He used be a very spoiled child who got everything he asked for and who was never asked to do anything he doesn't want to. Since we gave him a list of small jobs to do (if he doesn't do his jobs he doesn't get pocket money) he is actually a much happier and more well-behaved child. Watching his sister for 15 minutes or so is a job for him in the same way that the giving the dog breakfast is, or putting all his dirty clothes in his laundry basket. It's important that children are given small responsibilities to take on and that they understand everyone works together in the family.

Shutupanddrive · 03/06/2012 07:22

Why can't you do your chopping in the caravan or while the baby is asleep?

sashh · 03/06/2012 07:35

Please, pleasee look at the 'what was the worst thing your brother or sister did to you' thred.

She is right, it isn't her job. What do you do when she is at school?

Do you need to cook every day? Why not batch cook and freeze?

exoticfruits · 03/06/2012 07:35

I think that is very important that they take on small responsibilities as soon as they are able, they need to understand that they are part of the family and part of that is that we all do things that we don't want to do. I make it quite plain as in 'well if you don't want to help out in a very simple way for 30 minutes, I don't want to put myself out by taking you swimming'. Families are about give and take and it shouldn't be the mother who does all the give,while DCs trot out the old line - ' you chose to have me so it is your job!'
I think that is ridiculous that you as a DC to set a table and when she says that she would rather not you 'respect' her right not to have responsibility! I would just ask her, politely, in a way that shows it is not a choice.
OPs DD was not punished, she merely took the consequences of making herself a sandwich.

exoticfruits · 03/06/2012 07:45

I don't think that I can stand reading anymore of this!
All these little princesses with a servant who has to do it all because it is her job and she should jolly well work once they have gone to bed!
She wanted her to sit and watch TV with a 20 month old for 30 mins! That is all! Not so that she could swan around doing her nails- so that she could make some soup for the DD to eat! It wasn't even as if she was interrupting her DD in anything.
It is normal family life. All they are learning is that it is the mothers role to do it all. Not something that I want mine to learn- especially since I have boys.

merrymouse · 03/06/2012 08:13

Wow, there are 9 year olds who would rather do some other random chore (clean the bathroom? tidy their room? weed the garden?) than sit in a room with a toddler in front of Cbeebies and read their book and call "MUUUUUUM" if the toddler starts crying?

It's like entering a parallel universe.

exoticfruits · 03/06/2012 08:18

I'm glad it isn't just me merrymouse. I naively thought it was what the normal 9 year old would have been expected to do- not that it was child labour!

Ouluckyduck · 03/06/2012 08:21

Do I have the only nine year old who would still enjoy watching cbeebies?

FamiliesShareGerms · 03/06/2012 08:39

YANBU. My six year old "watches" my two year old while I do things like clean the bathroom (ie where I'm flinging bleach around and don't need special toddler "help"). Whether he likes it or not. Lots of benefits to being the oldest, sometimes there are drawbacks. This is life, deal with it.

susiemumof · 03/06/2012 08:50

I leave my 10 year old with my 20mo almost every morning so I can have a shower.

20mo gets up at 6am everyday and I'm not prepared to get up at 5.30 to shower in peace so I wait till the oldest gets up at 7.00 then nip upstairs.

Would never cross my mind not to leave her with her sibling to be honest.

What's the point in making life more difficult.

CardyMow · 03/06/2012 09:31

A 9yo can't look after a baby for 20 mins?! My just-turned 10yo DS can cook dinner for the family?! He makes a mean spag Bol. In my house we all muck in, dc get the choice of taking a turn looking after DS3 while I cook, or cooking themselves! I'm the only adult here, and dinner has to be cooked. Even my 8.5yo DS2 can look after the toddler for 20 mins!

Figgygal · 03/06/2012 09:36

I'd just microwave a tin of soup in the caravan?? Nothing wrong with a bit of baxters!!

exoticfruits · 03/06/2012 09:44

If she is like me she is making soup because she has a lot of things to use up - personally I would rather she had the onerous task of sitting in her own home, reading a book and minding the toddler and had some very nourishing soup at the end of it rather than saying ' mummy should respect my wishes not to be given responsibility' and eating a can of additives with too much sugar and salt.