Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 9yo to watch the baby for a bit?

220 replies

technotwat · 02/06/2012 15:13

We are currently having major building work done on the house which means we are having to live in a caravan in the garden. We have a kettle and toaster in the caravan but cooking a proper meal has to be done in the chaos that passes for a kitchen.

I ask my 9yo to sit with my 20mo for 30 mins and watch cBeebies maybe every 2/3 days for this sort of reason - DP works, and the house is completely un-toddler-proof atm. Think loose brickwork, rewiring, missing windows...

I have tried all sorts to make it possible to get stuff done in the house - I can put him in a sling but then he kicks my hands when I am using knives etc, he will not sit in a highchair or buggy for more than 10 mins without screaming and then escaping from the straps... Distraction only works so far with him, he wants to be free to fiddle with stuff [sigh] and he isn't very stomach-orientated so I can't even feed him endless snacks to get him to sit still as he just isn't interested.

I need to cook some soup but DD is refusing point blank to do it today. Stropping, yelling, telling me its not her job and she doesn't want to because she is BUSY.

AIBU to tell her that means she will not get a cooked meal tonight and will have to make herself a sandwich for tea?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 02/06/2012 17:19

The DD won't be mature enough unless she is given some responsibility. When I was 9 yrs I bathed my 3 yr old brother and read him a bed time story several nights a week.

CremeEggThief · 02/06/2012 17:25

I do think it's important to find out why DC don't want to do jobs first, before deciding they should be punished for not doing them.

I only have one, but if he hypothetically didn't want to keep an eye on a younger sibling, I'd want to know why. And if he said he didn't want to, because he'd had to do it three times that week or whatever, well I don't see that as something that needs punishing. I would try bribery, which not everyone here would, but if he really didn't want to, I would find another solution.

Adults have the right to refuse childcare for whatever reason, so why can't older siblings too?

I think the OP may have been more cross about the way her DD refused, rather than she refused in the first place, which I can understand. I too have been upset with DS for throwing a strop about doing jobs, rather than the fact he refused to do them.

Dprince · 02/06/2012 17:29

Its not her job though is it. Being asked to help tidy, imo, is one thing. But demanding they look after a younger sibling who sounds a handful is another. My dd, almost 8, always wants to look after as (15 months) however after me nipping in the kitchen and being across the hall for 5 minutes she is fed up as he is also into everything. Its actually a big responsibility.
The problem for me is that you could do things slightly different to make it easier for everyone. There is nothing wrong with a Sandwich. Maybe when things have calmed down you should speak to her calmly about why she doesn't want to. Maybe she finds the responsibility a bit too much. Also imo its not an older siblings job to watch the other kids. Demanding she does and throwing 'well you won't get fed.' isn't really going to resolve anything.

ENormaSnob · 02/06/2012 17:32

I always had to watch my younger brothers when I was a child.

I hated it tbh and felt huge resentment.

cory · 02/06/2012 17:33

I do agree with CremeEgg that it is always best to be reasonable. And if there was a special reason why she didn't want to watch toddler, I would suggest another alternative (maybe help to make the soup).

Adults can usually refuse any involvement in a household not their own, though (I wasn't contemplating asking our nextdoor neighbour to do the washing up); doesn't mean the same rules apply to anyone living in that household and benefitting from it.

But reasonableness seems the best way forward.

FoofFighter · 02/06/2012 17:34

Can't you get the carseat out and put DS in it?

5madthings · 02/06/2012 17:35

no yanbu, in my house the choice would be watch your sibling for a little bit or go and peel and prep the veg, which a 9yr old should be capable of doing.

we all pitch in, its not a matter of it being a childs job or not, but they all need to learn to help the household run smoothly and that means pitching in and helping out imo.

anyway op you are perfectly reasonable to tell your dd if she doesnt want to watch her sibling then she can make herself a sandwich and just have that for her dinner, her choice and i hope your living situation improves asap! :)

letsblowthistacostand · 02/06/2012 17:45

It was always my job to entertain my youngest brother so my mom could get stuff done. I don't see what's so evil about it, everybody in a family needs to pull together for an easy life. In your circs, op, I would say ok, never mind, I'll make some sandwiches now and something hot when ds goes to bed. If she doesnt like sandwiches, she can watch the baby, her choice. Not about punishments but about working together as a family.

exoticfruits · 02/06/2012 17:47

I would have given her the choice of the minding or the veg preparation. However since she didn't it is perfectly acceptable that she takes the consequence and makes herself a sandwich.

DarrellRivers · 02/06/2012 17:50

My oldest 2, DD age 8 and DS age 6 are always keeping an eye on toddler DD.
They are great with her and she loves being with them.
YANBU

exoticfruits · 02/06/2012 17:51

I don't think that I would have managed without the older one watching them!

5madthings · 02/06/2012 17:52

exactly exotic she has made her choice and takes the consequences, nice dinner that she helps out with or sandwiches she makes herself, simples! Grin

i am about to send ds1 to the chip shop to get our dinner Shock dp is at work, i am knackered and the little ones are all watching ratatouile (sp) on tv, so nice easy dinner it is tonight! Grin

bobbledunk · 02/06/2012 17:53

yabu to expect her to mind a toddler without at least offering her payment. It's not her job to watch a child you chose to have, she would probably be happy to do it with a bit of bribery. Other peoples toddlers can be torture, it would be cruel to force her if she isn't able for it, this situation is not her fault.

GnocchiNineDoors · 02/06/2012 17:54

My father had to watch his littlesister all of the time and as such I have never once been asked to mind my sister (7 years younger).

I am of the same mind as him. Your Dd didnt ask for the responsibility that comes with minding a child, you did. Therefore it is your problem.

5madthings · 02/06/2012 17:54

i dont get paying dc's for helping out around the house! not at all, mine all help out with tidying, keeping an eye on each other, they all pitch in to help the household runs smoothly and i will be damned if they are getting paid for it!!

Buntingbunny · 02/06/2012 17:55

YANBU

DD2 could have done that easily. She likes babies, anything else helpful is a totally different matter.

thebody · 02/06/2012 18:04

Your dd is part of a family and as such should help.

I imagine it's v stressful for everyone but for her to say she's busy is being a brat and not allowed In our house.

My dsc are 10 and 9 years older than my girls and they helped mind and feed them.

I wouldn't have expected less.

thebody · 02/06/2012 18:05

And defiantly no payment, how strange??

ErikNorseman · 02/06/2012 18:05

You can't strap a nearly 2 year old into a carseat?

Dominodonkey · 02/06/2012 18:06

I do think some of you on mumsnet are very strange. All the OP is asking her daughter to do is keep an eye on a toddler for less than half an hour. If those of you saying she should pay her for it practise that on your own children you are going to have horrible brats who believe they should never do anything to help their loved ones unless there is something in it for them. Kids should help out (not take on massive time consuming chores IMO) but help out and that is what the OP is asking.

ErikNorseman · 02/06/2012 18:06

I mean you can't strap a nearly 2 year old into a car seat!

BoffinMum · 02/06/2012 18:07

It is a normal part of family life and important that even quite young children learn to take responsibilities, but if she is being difficult, you also have the option of a big old fashioned playpen in the main house .... or buying in soup for the duration .... and meanwhile docking her pocket money for being unhelpful.

Only fight the battle you can win. Wink

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/06/2012 18:13

Yanbu
She is not a Young Carer. She is being asked to contribute to the family in specific circumstances.
Nothing wrong with that

Born2BRiiiled · 02/06/2012 18:15

Depends how often you ask, and how. I had to do this as a child, and hated it. I'd have much preferred other jobs. If it appears as if you are nicer to your younger child in any way at all, it breeds resentment. Much younger siblings have a way of dictating what a whole household does. Be careful.

BoffinMum · 02/06/2012 18:16

If a child over the age of about 8 can't watch a baby near where the parents are for 20 minutes so the mother can get the tea on, then something is very wrong, IMO. It is not only normal, it is advisable for them to get practice in doing this from an early age.