to expect my 9yo to watch the baby for a bit?

[technotwat]

We are currently having major building work done on the house which means we are having to live in a caravan in the garden. We have a kettle and toaster in the caravan but cooking a proper meal has to be done in the chaos that passes for a kitchen.

I ask my 9yo to sit with my 20mo for 30 mins and watch cBeebies maybe every 2/3 days for this sort of reason - DP works, and the house is completely un-toddler-proof atm. Think loose brickwork, rewiring, missing windows...

I have tried all sorts to make it possible to get stuff done in the house - I can put him in a sling but then he kicks my hands when I am using knives etc, he will not sit in a highchair or buggy for more than 10 mins without screaming and then escaping from the straps... Distraction only works so far with him, he wants to be free to fiddle with stuff [sigh] and he isn't very stomach-orientated so I can't even feed him endless snacks to get him to sit still as he just isn't interested.

I need to cook some soup but DD is refusing point blank to do it today. Stropping, yelling, telling me its not her job and she doesn't want to because she is BUSY.

AIBU to tell her that means she will not get a cooked meal tonight and will have to make herself a sandwich for tea?

The 9yo should learn that families help out to get stuff done .

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to sit with a toddler and keep an eye out for a few minutes at all.
However, your 9 year old also has the right to say 'no', if they have a valid reason. It sounds as if she's got a bit fed-up of it all.

I would go with bribery here, tbh. There must be something she wants enough and that you're happy to give her to look after her sibling!

YANBU! Its all about living in a family. I will probably get roasted for this but I expect my 2 d.syndrome daughters to watch little sister 6 (but pre-toddler stage) thats family life. Well done and stick to your guns. Punishment wise ??

She's not wrong is she, she's 9 FGS.

Of course its not her bloody job.

YAB totally U.Prp

Do all your chopping of an evening when the kids are in bed so cutting things isn't an issue.

Invest in a slow cooker and a microwave and manage with that.

Either that or you need to learn to manage your 9 mo better or cook when the he naps.

Sorry that was meant to say 20 mo

YABU!

DamnBamboo, when would you say lending a parent a helping hand does become a child's bloody job?

I am having an op in a few weeks' time- would you say it is my 12yos job to bring me a sandwich in bed, or should I not ask because he is 12 and it's not his bloody job? What about the other week when he was still 11? 10? 9? And what about my 15yo- should I plan for dh to line sandwiches up by my bedside so it doesn't have to become her bloody job either?

As soon as a parent assigns their child a job, it becomes their bloody job.

Don't be ridiculous Cory, comparing a 9 year old to a 12 year old or a 15 year old.

What has when he goes to bed go to do with anything?

My 7 year old does things for me often, but I don't consider them his job and I would not consider punishing him if he didn't want to do them.

Seriously comparing asking your teenagers to help you, with a 9 year old who doesn't want to watch a 20 month old is silly.

It is not hard to get round this situation, I lived without a kitchen for 10 months and have a 5, nearly 3 and 1 year old.

I can't believe how many people say its not her job! My just turned 6 yr old would be capable of just sitting there and calling for help if needed. It's not an arduous task and is great for teaching responsibility.

My 7 year old does things for me often, but I don't consider them his job and I would not consider punishing him if he didn't want to do them

And when will you consider pushing him to do as he's told?

Not in my book worra

It's not how we work round here and you'd be amazed at what does and doesn't get done of a week, even by my 4 year old, without the theat of punishment.

If the 20 month old is such a handful, why would you want to leave him with a 9 year old who may have to pop to the loo, gets distracted by something else, another toy etc...

Stick him in a buggy and let him moan, do it when he naps, do it in the evening when they're asleep.

He doesn't get told.

He has a list of things, all of which will impact him directly if they don't get done.

It's stuff I would have to therwise do, but instead I leave it up to him to do. If he doesn't do it, he doesn't do it but he misses out on other things.

He hasn't ever not done it, and has known from an early age that when I say something I mean it.

It's clearly a different approach, but it works with no stress.

I agree with what you're saying Bamboo re not leaving a toddler with a stroppy, unwilling child.

What I don't agree with is parents thinking it's ok for their kids to refuse to do what they're told.

Not unreasonable to ask
Is unreasonable to expect.
I would directly reward her for it, something like 10p or an extra privilege.

I didn't say anything about when ds goes to bed, Bamboo; I was asking at what age (9, 10, 11 or 12?) it would be reasonable to expect a child to bring me sandwiches when I am ill in bed. In other words, when is it reasonable to ask a child to do something that is within their capabilities simply because it would make your life easier.

I wanted you to define when you think that moment has come, as personally I would have had no difficulty in asking for that level of help from ds three years ago when he was 9. A 9yo to me is already a child capable of a fair bit of responsibility and ime a little bit of responsibility is actually good for them.

I admit that I probably wouldn't punish a dc for helpfulness failure at this age- just make it clear that I wasn't very impressed.

YABU as many of people (and i agree) suggested you chop and peel veg in caravan which would solve all of this drama but you are ignoring this.

you are making it harder than it needs be.

Absolutely worra but if he's stroppy and grumpy, perhaps that's why 9 year old doesn't want to do it.

I don't know. I wouldn't leave a child, or anybody for that matter, with my toddler to watch, if they clearly didn't want to.

Sorry cory though you said up until (11, 10, 9 etc.).

Please read my earlier posts, my children do have jobs and they do get done and I won't do them because they don't want to (barring illness or something else that crops up)

While I do think the "I'm busy" attitude is a bit off, and kids do need to realise that all family members have to do their bit. I think punishing her because she won't look after a 20 month old who is a handful is a bit much tbh.
You have listed how awkward your toddler can be, and yet you want a 9 year old to be able to control him when even you have trouble. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to.

YANBU
I was definitely taking some similar responsibility at 9, I used to walk my brothers to school and watched the youngest as a baby and he was born when I was 9. Your dd is being a brat (sorry)

My dd1 is 7 and she has many jobs around the house, these include sometimes watching her younger sister 2.5.

These are her jobs because she is part of this family and we all chip in. Me and dh both work full time and she knows if we want to do fun things together at weekends then she has to help out so that we have time to do other things and don't have loads of jobs that need doing.

And if she did try and refuse to do something she was asked to then yes she would be punished.

These are of course age appropriate jobs like setting the table and folding the washing off the line, I don't have her doing the ironing or cooking a roast. But yes I think she is old enough to watch her sister while we are nearby enough that if she needs help she can call us.

I wouldn't expect a 9 year old to watch a 20 month old, they are barely able to look after themselves at 9. I think you need to rethink what it is that you're eating, you're expecting fat too much from your 9 year old.

I think she's right. It's not her job. It's yours.

What peculiar attitudes! There was no mention of SN so of course she can mind the toddler-it isn't as if you are going out anywhere! I feel so sorry for DCs these days when they are not allowed any responsibility.
Your mistake was asking her-tell her that that is what she is doing-it is what families do!
The alternative is to get her to make the soup, but having made soup with groups of 10/11yr olds in school I know that it was the first time that most of them had been allowed near either sharp knives or boiling liquids! Sad that the first time they do it has to be with a stranger at school.

In the long run (and remembering I have older children) I do think you come to a point where they have to learn to do jobs not just because it impacts on them or would be inconvenient for them if the job didn't get done, but because other people's convenience matters too.

Generalised unhelpfulness (=the attitude of 'what's in it for me'?) is a dreadful social disadvantage that I wouldn't want them to take into life.

When my children were little, life was very much centered around them, so any jobs they did were for their benefit. Gradually it has shifted: they have more adult-type freedom, but that comes linked with a growing awareness that adults also have needs and that these matter as much as their needs- and it's my job to see to it that that awareness is fostered.

I think that shift started when they were about 8 or 9; at about the same time as I was starting to give them more independence and more of a voice in family decisions. I didn't expect perfection at first; it's a gradual thing. But if my 12yo turned round and said it's not his bloody job to help me out when I'm ill or in the middle of a big job I would be seriously unimpressed- and that attitude doesn't grow overnight. Baby steps is what I believe in. And permission to fail occasionally.

I completely agree with cory's post - not unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to read a book in an area where she can keep an eye on the toddler. Also probably best to expect sometimes that she will act like the child she is and have a low key plan B for those occasions, and not make a big deal about it.

Also, it does depend on the child - presumably you are expecting your 9 yr old to do this job because you judge that she is mature enough to do this. This might be an inappropriate task for another completely different 9 yr old.