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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my mum to help?

201 replies

Peppin · 31/05/2012 17:50

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 17:57

How old is he?

Your Mum is already doing you a massive favour by having your DC's until after 7.30pm everyday.

Surely you can make your child responsible for sitting down and getting his homework done?

All your Mum needs to do is check it afterwards...that's actually the idea of homework anyway.

workshy · 31/05/2012 18:01

YABU

she is his grandmother not his parent and it is not up to her to battle with him over homework

the fact that you are paying her is irrelevant as a CM wouldn't be sitting there doing homework either

there is also a big difference tutoring a motivated child and getting a child to do homework that they don't want to do

kilmuir · 31/05/2012 18:01

Hmm , seems odd when it is her area of expertise and her grandchild.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:01

I can see why you are pissed off. She seems the obvious person to help, and did say that she would.

However, I suspect that, given it's her "day job" she's actually decided she doesn't want to have that kind of relationship with her grandchildren. She doesn't want a parental or teachery relationship.

I would ask her , without getting annoyed, if this is the case. Then you will know where you stand, and think again.

Shesparkles · 31/05/2012 18:02

Given that you mum has the kids at her own insistence and you are paying her, I think. You've every right to feel a bit pissed off.

How old is ds? You might have to have stern words with him about getting down to homework

FayeGovan · 31/05/2012 18:03

put them into a childminder, spend double what you spend now, be home by 6 (non negotiable) and then get homework done when you have fed them and they're knackered

or stop moaning at your mum and be a bit more grateful

Convert · 31/05/2012 18:03

To be honest if she was insistent that she wanted them, you pay her and she agreed to help with homework then I don't think YABU.
I would have a conversation with her about it and explain to her that he really needs some encouragement and you would really like her to be a bit firmer about it. I think maybe something like a reward chart might be good to help your DC be more willing to do it.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:03

And have a word with your Child's teacher too.

Whenever mine used to play up about doing homework, I used to threaten to have a word and miraculously they'd sit down and do it.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:04

I found that doing the homework on a Saturday or Sunday morning worked better.

I am sympatheTic. Getting a reluctant child to do homework is a PITA

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2012 18:08

Check if the CM would be happy to make your DS do his homework, then see if you can move him. Your mum can insist all she likes, and say they are happier with her, but you can just keep repeating that the arrangement isn't working because they don't do their homework there.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:09

Do CMs even work past 7.30 at night?

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 18:13

Worraliberty and Fayegovan, I pay my mum exactly the same amount as I would pay a CM for the same hours. I would not have to pay twice as much for a CM, I'd have to pay the same as I pay my mum. She instigated the current arrangement, not me.

I am very happy with my mum having the kids after school and wouldn't want them to go back to the CM as, as others have pointed out, a CM wouldn't do the things with them that my mum does. But I just feel that my mum should be keen to help DS given that she is a teacher and therefore best placed to understand exactly what needs doing and how to motivate him. Of course I would prefer it if I could do this but I don't get home in time and cannot change that.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2012 18:14

Worra - I know a couple who work until 7pm, it's not unreasonable that OP might take 30 minutes to get the DCs home and ready to then start homework....

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:16

Yes but she probably would be keen if your DS went and got his homework, completed it and then asked her to check it.

I'm sure if he needed a bit of help, she'd come over to the table and help him no?

How old is he?

Ishoes · 31/05/2012 18:17

Who the hell pays their own mum to watch her gcs?Shock My own mum doesnt help me as apparently my sister needs a break from her son after working all weekHmm But she would never dream of charging any of us. I would take your dcs back to the cm tbh and see how your mum likes losing her second income...

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 18:17

He is 10

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2012 18:17

Peppin, would the threat of removing them to a CM work do you think? If your mum really wants this, and you are paying her the going rate for a CM (dodgy as I thought you had to be registered to be paid), then tell her you are looking for a Childminder as you can't go on like this any longer and although DS is happy at hers, he has to do his homework, so you will have to move them if you can't find another solution.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:19

It's sounding more and more unfair on you, actually, because you are paying her.

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 18:19

Oooooh Ishoes, don't get me started, that's a whole other thread.

My mum insists on it on the basis that I would have to pay a CM anyway. Which is true. So I try not to think about it.

I mentioned once that no one else I knew whose mum looked after the DGCs paid their mother, and my mum refused to believe it.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:20

He's ten and you're making this all about your Mum??

You need to impress upon your son that excuses like 'I'm hot, tired, don't want to do it' will have consequences.

This is not down to her imo...as I said I'm sure she'd help him if he were sat there actually doing it.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:20

Hmm

fatfingers · 31/05/2012 18:21

Why does the homework have to be done on that night? Can't it be done at the weekend?

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:21

That Hmm was a general Hmm, by the way, not to you Worra.

The boundaries are all blurred, aren't they?

OhNoMyFanjo · 31/05/2012 18:22

Don't threaten unless you are prepared to follow through.

The fact is your mum isn't there to fight with your ds. She wants to enjoy them. You need to put things into place to ensure he does his homework/what granny says. If he doesn't do it, then into school not done and he loses playing out tgat week for example.

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 18:22

He's a boy. He's 10. If he can get out of doing something he'd rather not do, he will.

It's not a question of him not doing it, because he does in the end do it at the weekend. But it's always last minute, causes arguments, and is stressful. my mum sees paying clients and offers exactly this service: help with school work. Is it really that unrealistic to expect her to take her own DGS in hand?

OP posts: