AIBU to expect my mum to help?

[Peppin]

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

Does his school have an after school homework club (I know of a couple of primary schools that do)? If so, you could arrange for him to stay there one day a week and do his homework there. If he or your DM complain, you can then explain that as being at Granny's was too much of a distraction, he needs to stay somewhere where homework is the focus as he needs to be putting a bit of effort in midweek too.

Even if you don't eventually do it, it may be a spur for them both to realise that if they want the current arrangement to stand, they both need to include a little bit of homework once a week.

Fwiw, OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable. If someone came on here to ask whether they were being UR in asking their Childminder to ensure one of the charges does half an hours homeowork once a week, they'd probably be told they weren't BU.

Peppin Is there a sixth form near you? Or a sixth form college? Jobs for 16-18 year olds are scarcer than hen's teeth. You may find that your local sixth form or college has a 'sits vac' board and could help you with advertising for a babysitter/homework superviser. There are plenty of responsible 16-17 year olds out there. Take up references from school carefully and you could be on to a winner. You could start with one or two nights per week and if it works slowly transfer over.

What about your ex?

Why is he not responsible for any childminding or any of the costs?

Sounds to me you're not getting anything from this situation.

Your Ds is not getting help/a push with his homework and your DC's are not getting adequate care that you are paying for

Forget that she is their grandparent, you are paying her CM fees. She should be caring for your children.

My advice would be to find a CM. Can their father not collext them for an hour or so after 6pm?

I haven't read all the replies apologies if I repeat what others have said.

I don't think YABU to expect her to support your son's education in her role as carer/CM role and doubly so in her role as grandmother. Surely she should have your son's best interests at heart and this includes supporting his educational progress and teaching him the value of working well as well as playing?

My children's grandparents take them to the library (4 yr old), do spellings and reading with 7 yr old as well as follow his interests with electronics projects. All without asking me but just as their role as grandparents who want to help bring up my children. I don't pay them either and didn't when I was working (on mat leave now) and they had the children one day a week.

Perhaps you should say that you are looking to send him to a tutor after school one day a week to support his learning and can she recommend anyone? Would she drop him off at and collect him from, the tutor and could you reduce the amount you pay her so you can afford the tutor as you are concerned about your son's education and his attitude to homework ........ in a 'call her bluff' way, but be prepared to follow through.

At 10, you can also sit your son down and explain that this is what you are considering doing. Have you had feedback from school about him not doing homework?

Thanks for all your suggestions. I really need to find a way to change things but realistically that means moving house.

This morning my mum told me what she is giving my brother's girlfriend for her birthday. It costs 50% more than what she gave me for my birthday (which she finally got round to giving me 2 months after my birthday).

My mum has only known this woman for 6 months.

AIBU to care?

Peppin, I know that it may not seem so right now but over the next very small number of years your childcare needs are going to change significantly. Your DS will be going up to secondary school. At that point a sixth form babysitter type arrangement for your DS may be more than adequate.

Oh dear Peppin In your situation I'd be doing everything possible to put some distance between mum and me. Not cut her out, but just get it on a footing where she has not control and you can walk away comfortably without knock-on effects to other areas of your life. Emotional distance.

It's sounds a complicated and difficult relationship and you have enough on your plate to manage being a mum yourself.

Sounds like she wants to be a granny to him rather than teacher
Fair enough she is granny.
She is good enough to have them after school, you arent paying her more than you would a childminder,
She may find it hard doing her professional thing with a grandchild, struggles to be tough enough,
Get him in aftershool club / homework club, or do it yourself at weekends !!
Thats what most of us have to do !!

Yes, i think you are BU getting hung up,about how much someone else present cost compared to yours,
Its her money, dont compare, someone else present could always seem more special, desirable, whatever...
Dont sweat the small stuff xxx

just read op. grandmothers are different from tutors. totally different relationship. and mothers are different from childminders. You need to clarify in your mind what relationship you are going for here, and take it from there.

personally i would never expect my mom to be able to teach my kids because i know they would be able to run circles around her.

Scrap my comments about she wants to be a granny,
Just read some more posts,
She's working with other kids the whole time ??
How strange.
She isnt being granny, she's just a holding pen til you get home :(

I agree with gnome Peppin, I really think it would be better for you if your mother were not your child minder. A lot of what you say about this relationship is not sounding good. Quite a lot further back in the thread you mentioned that she charges you child minding fees to have your dc and yet supports another member of the family who does not choose to work. Your father tells you off like a child if you complain about the situation, your mother hangs up on if you ask about the homework. And your mother expects lots of gifts off you but doesn't even get a birthday present to you on time while being more generous with people she hardly knows. It all adds up to make you feel quite down. I can well imagine it.

Look into what gnome said. I know it is hard to investigate options when you work such long hours but you will be happier with a different solution longer term. If you cannot be at the school to do this, would a friend be able to put up a notice about babysitting for you? Ask people you know. Someone will know a nice older girl. It is true once homework increases, you need a situation where it is getting done as a matter of course before you get home really. I am sorry things are like this. Also look into the live out aupair option someone mentioned below. Call agencies and simply ask about it.

I feel you are getting a raw deal with this. Child minding is not parking dc in front of a tv or sending them outside whilst you do other paid employment. I really think under the circumstances it would be enough if you were paying for the meals your dc eat there and a bit extra as thanks. I hope I am not like this when my dd is grown up and needs help!

"I cant believe your mum takes money [several hundred pounds a month] for looking after her dgc-I cant get past that-it is awful-she has retired and should do it for love."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sorry... this was just too funny.

It may be her area of expertise but it may also be that being her grandson he plays up in a way he wouldn't dare to do if he was her tutee. And as a grandmother it is much harder for her to apply harsh discipline than it is for you.

A childminder should try to ensure that the mindee does a little homework but if the mindee is being obstructive she might well decide to tell the parent she can' force him and suggest they find another childminder.

Personally I'd be inclined to tell your ds that it is his responsibility to do homework and hope that the school gives detention if he doesn't. I also have a reluctant boy and I think at this age they need to start learning that other people can't be running after them all the time to make sure they do what they're supposed to.

Yes, it would be good if grandma was able to coerce him. But when you speak to your son you must make it clear that the fault is his if he doesn't do the work he is supposed to. And that you will be very cross if he refuses to do work when grandma says so. He will soon be in secondary school and needs to learn to be independent.

Why?

She's his grandmother?
I don't know anyone who has to pay their own parents 'several hundred pounds' for childcare. Unless she is really struggling financially? I know one friend in particular who would have had to pay an absolute fortune if that had been the case.

Agree with the homework aspect though - you need to talk seriously to your ds.

Pretty at some of these responses re oh well she's just being a lovely granny and she can do what she likes - or, rather, what she doesn't like. OP, your mother sounds toxic, and she won't change. Your only option is to find alternative childcare for at least a few days a week. (And if I were you I'd be looking to move closer to work too, yes, it's an upheaval, but it would be worth it). Try sticking an ad up in your newsagents, I bet if they knew the work was out there you'd be tripping over decent teenagers/students who would be more than willing to do some homework - gnome is right.

Smile sweetly at Granny and say "I've decided to keep them at home with CM Weds & Thurs, it's not fair of me to expect you to set them down for homework when you're working."

You feel trapped in this awful relationship, and to an extent (sorry) you are as she's your mother. BUT that doesn't mean you have to put up with all this crap. Be firm, draw your boundaries, and stick to it. I really hope you can rearrange your life so you and your DCs are all happier.

I have to pay my mother to watch my children too.

Peppin, I agree with so many posters who talk about the toxic nature of your relationship with your mother. As many have mentioned, I cannot believe she is charging you money, then basically dumping your DCs in front of a screen. She is being really shitty ungenerous to you.

You, however, sound bloody amazing! Your DC's are lucky to have such a loving, hard-working, thoughtful mother. I suspect you're not given much credit for this.

I know that as a single mum you have balls in the air at all times, and very very little time to take a deep breath and think. But that is precisely what you need to do. You really need some fundamental change that will make your life work better and give you a bit more control. Whether that means moving house, or finding a 6th form student or getting your ex more involved during the week, or whatever. You need some private time with a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee, some paper and a pen. Make your list of what it is that isn't working, what you need, what you want, and then figure it out, step by practical step. This is absolutely within your huge capabilities - you just need to take the time and make this a priority.

I wish you luck.

Does anyone know what current rates are for childminding 2 kids? I seem to remember when I had an actual CM that the price for 2 kids was not 2 x the price for 1. It was something like: 1 child = £3 an hour; 2 children = £4.50 an hour.

I've just looked on childcare.co.uk and found that Cm rates in our area are £3.50-£4 an hour (for 1 child). Do you think that means for 2 it would be maybe about £5 an hour?

I've just done a calculation of what I'd pay for the number of hours I'd need if I had a CM at £5 an hour. I'm paying my mum £250 per month more than that.

Is £5 an hour for 2 kids is a reasonable rate? We're in the home counties.

I must be in the minority here, but I think it is completeley unfair of a grown adult having to give up over 40 hours a week of their own time to care for a child that they didn't choose to have without some sort of financial recompense.

Grandparents should not be expected to offer full time free childcare simply because they are the child's grandmother or father.

If they offer, great, but if they expect or ask for some sort of financial contribution towards it then they shouldn't be demonised for it.

nutella I do want to move closer to work and am looking at doing so but would have to time it to suit the DCs schooling so realistically not for another year (when DS goes up to secondary school).

Peppin, my DMum is a CM and she charges £3.50 an hour for the youngest child, then £2.50 per each elder child (per family)

Gnocchi, my DCs are both in school. My mum has them for 3 hours after school. The school holidays are covered by me and ex-h, apart from 3 weeks spread through out the holidays over the year when my mum has them.