AIBU to expect my mum to help?

[Peppin]

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

What a knob your ex is. Obviously he wants to see them, but he has to put their feelings first.

If the local sixth form is 10 miles away, you wouldn't get someone who could pick them up, would you?

I phoned the school and asked for the head of sixth form. I told her what I wanted - someone who was very reliable, excellent attendance and punctuality, very friendly and kind and works hard. She recommended a couple of girls (friends) who decided they both wanted the job. They decided to do it together and split the money. They were lovely and did it for two years. They'd finish at the same time as my son and leg it down the road to his school, then walk him home.

Isn't there any sixth form or college provision nearer?

Sorry tiggy and cory but you're barking up completely the wrong tree here if you believe the excuse that he won't do it and she can't make him. The woman's got PLENTY of authority, she has years of experience behind her, and the mother's backup. The truth is she's away off tutoring other kids, doing other things, and even getting other people's children to do their HW for free, while getting paid for childcare that she isn't doing by her daughter. She's either not there or doesn't want to sit him down to do the work.

In the real world paying your own mother to have your kids and asking her to help with homework is not unreasonable....in MN world, however YABU!!

On the other hand OP...you could send him to one of the many free boarding schools!!

So not only are you paying your mother through the nose for childcare, she's working tutoring other children while she has yours, so she's not actually looking after them?

Sounds like you need a mother's help/housekeeper, who could pick them up from school, take them to your home, make them do homework and have your dinner on the table for you when you come home from work? I can't help but think that would cost you as much as you are paying now, yet be far less stressful. And also be a step away from getting a CM, so that if your parents argue that it's not fair for you to subsidise their lifestyle a silly idea, you can tell them that'll you'll pay them the same amount if they do the same job

nutella I think you are right. The thing about my mum is, she wants to be all things to all people. She makes a lot of noise about the "7-star service" she gives me, which I would find funny if I didn't find it so bloody annoying. It's hard to explain her psychology really. She does loads of things for people for no reason, yet doesn't do anything for me without keeping a running tally of it.

A mutual acquaintance recently told me how whenever my mum sees her (which is more or less every week), she takes her a meal for that evening to enjoy with her husband, or some cake (my mum is a good cook). I recently had a 3-week period of having to commute to London every day - I was getting home between 8-9pm and after putting the kids to bed and doing their packed lunches for the next day, I was too tired to make myself anything to eat. For 3 weeks I lived on boiled eggs and sandwiches. My mum didn't offer me a meal once.

GrahamTribe I don't agree with saying that he should not see his dad if he doesn't do his homework. This is not the right way to go about it. It will make DS resent you and make things tense with your EX.
I don't know what hours your ex works or how reasonable he is but can things be done more fairly so he maybe has them over night in the week one day and does their homework with them then you both have a day each with your DC to have some fun with them.

Also if your ex can afford expensive treats for them could he maybe contribute more towards the cost of childcare. Maybe instead of some treats if thats an issue as you being able to have childcare so you can work is more detrimental to them than having a new toy

I really feel for you I have a 1yo DD and I leave the house at 6:30am and don't pick my dd up from 7. I am married and its still VERY hard work I have an arrangement with my mum and my sister and I pay my sister on the days she has DD but I don't pay my mum.

I feel guilty waking DD up in the morning and not getting back till late then putting her to bed when we get in but I live for the weekends when I can spend some quality time with her. Unfortunately you don't have this opportunity with your DC so I can completely see why you don't want your DS to have to rush his homework on a Sunday night and hand it in probably not to the best of his ability when this is the most amount of time you have with him all week.

The issue is not your DS refusing but your mum not helping, as you have said your Ds was ready and waiting. I do think you need to stand up to your mum and bit and maybe insist that she leaves an hour free from teaching each evening to focus on your DC's afterall you are paying her and if you were paying a CM your DC would be watched and interacted with not left to their own devices.

I really hope you find a balance I feel for you!

Peppin I would actually follow Imperial's suggestion. Contact the 6th form, you might also advertise in the shop but I would go to the 6th form first. By the time I was at 6th I was pretty much independantly mobile.

Dont try and predict logistical problems. See who turns up then work it out from there. It may be that your DCs could go to Granny's for half an hour after school and then go from there to your house with the student.

Just as your DCs wont want to be going to their Dad's every weekend when a bit older GPs fall out of favour even quicker!

Sorry Peppin I X posts with what you said with regards to your ex. what area do you live? are their any kids clubs your DC could maybe go to after school a couple of nights a week to dilute your mothers input? Do your DC's share a bedroom? would this be an idea if not so that you could hire an aupair?

I am astonished that she charges you.
I am amazed that at 10 he has much homework anyway.
I don't know any cms who work that late, I certainly wouldn't and I wouldn't be overseeing homework either, wouldn't see that as part of the role at all if the child was reluctant or refused. Different if child was keen.

I think your mum is out of order.

RhiRhi funnily enough last night I was just saying to DS that if they shared a room we could have an au pair. He said he would much prefer to go home after school but he didn't want to share his room and as he is 10 and I think therefore they'll soon be at an age where sharing isn't appropriate, it's probably not a solution.

I will contact the 6th form college though as others have suggested, that could be a runner.

Gnome and Imperial, what person at the 6th form college would be the person to speak to, do you think? Just the person who answers the phone?

Regarding the whole X situation, in your position I'd kinda be thinking "fuck that for a game of soliders" to myself. Solicitors do free consultations so you can see what your legal position is, but I'd be inclined to take every other weekend and a good chunk of the holidays. Sounds like he's getting to have all the super-fun times and you're left keeping them in school shoes and being the big bad bear that has to get the HW done at the end of the day. I bet he doesn't turn up to parent evenings either? Doesn't sound like there's a huge amount of love lost, and tbh maybe you just have to fight for some time with your kids.

Don't let them blackmail them, just put your foot down and say no, sorry, it's not down to how much they love you, this is our family time.

Anyway that's my two penneth, always so much easier sorting other people's problems

I knew they did health and social care courses, so I rang the main number and asked to be put through to the person in charge of that course. Next week isn't a good time, with it being half term, but after then it should be pretty quiet in a college.

If they don't do a health and social care course, just ask to be put through to the sixth form staff room and ask there.

Hope you get something organised, OP.

Sounds as if you need to stop the arrangement with your Mum asap.

From your more recent posts, I suspect that your mum is a narcissist. She is trying to impress your DS along with everyone else (everyone except you), and I suspect she is actively playing him against you wrt the homework, being sweet while you come off as mean old mum.

I think you need to find someone else to do the childcare. Make it a priority. Your relationship with your mum is toxic for you and you should be actively trying to develop an emotional distance from her. Your relationship with your DS otoh, is something you need to be very jealous about. A person like your mum 'collects' people as trophies. I think she is doing this with your DS.

I think you also need to talk with the teacher about your DS, his general level of work, what is normal for children of his age when it comes to attitudes to work and abilities wrt time management. Maybe homework that is expected every day would be better than homework that comes in batches (or have I got this detail wrong?) so that he can develop a habit of doing something every day. Part of the battle with 10 year olds is establishing good habits.

Completely agree with Math.

Your H is your mother in trousers.

Get yourself a really hot solicitor and gird yourself for battle. You need to change the visitation arrangement and it is going to be World War III for you, but your DCs are being used by this man for his own ego gratification and I suspect also to punish you.

You are going to need to keep a record of everything the exH says about birthday parties, friendships of the DCs, emotional blackmail, etc., as well as a record of homework and the other unpleasant duties the ex doesn't do if this is the case.

Research, research, research, and get yourself the best solicitor money can buy. I think your DS and the other DCs are suffering here. Be very brave. I think you really need to do this.

COmpletely agree with mathanxiety, your mum is not being nice at all and neither is your ex. I really feel for you!

Hmmmm math interesting proposition abut my ex-h being like my mum.

Re the threatened litigation. I don't have any money to pay a lawyer. Like, none, no savings. However I do have a job and am not eligible for legal aid. And the irony is: I am a lawyer. That's what I did after we got divorced - went to law school and qualified as a solicitor.

I don't do family law though and don't know anyone who does.

Also, because my job takes up so much of my time, I don't have the time to act as a litigant in person!

Tbh I should just square up to ex-h and see if he does go back to court or not. I believe he would and am afraid of it because he has always wanted the DCs to live with him full time and he has a wife who doesn't work at all, so he thinks the kids would be better off with them. In fact DS told me once that the step-mother had told him that "the only reason you went to live with Mum to start off with was because she didn't have a job and Dad did, but now that she has a job, you'd be better off living here because I could look after you and you could see mum at the weekends."

He was quite confused about this because he felt that "you've had your turn with us and now maybe it's Dad's turn?"

Ex-h and his wife are now expecting a baby themselves. He has already instructed me that I am not allowed to refer to the baby as the DCs' "half-brother/half-sister", only "brother/sister" - as if I would be so horrible anyway!

Ex-h will want the DCs even more when the baby comes as he will be needing to over-compensate wildly (DD already showing signs of concern about no longer being "Daddy's baby"). Meanwhile his wife doesn't even have to pretend about re-starting her career now and can fully devote herself to pointing out to the DCs how much better off they'd be living with them.

Against this backdrop I worry that if I try to reduce weekend contact, it will look as though I am being funny because they're having a new baby.

You have 2 people in your life who make it more complex with your DCs and you act like they are in control, not you. You could brazen it out with your ex, your DCs are at an age when they would be consulted, your ex-H's new DW isn't going to want 2 older DCs moving in with them when she has a new baby to deal with. would he really have the energy to go to court when he has a newborn and no sleep?

Your mum would just have to suck it up if you find alternative childcare and realise you'll just say "no thank you" unless what she's offering is actually better than alternatives. You control your life, not your mum, not your Ex.

I don't really have anything helpful to add here, other than how hard it all sounds with so many difficult people around you. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job just keeping on top of everything and I hope you can get things sorted soon.

Can't you at least speak with someone about all this? I think it's reasonable to want more weekends with them, I think between them your ex and mother have you so guilted out you're starting to believe them.

Your thinking that they have a case is just speculation really, imo you need to consult someone. There's a law section on MN even.

Well that might look like parental alienation to a judge... I think what it all might look like to a judge is really all you need to worry about here, not whether anyone thinks the baby has anything to do with your motives.

Start putting out feelers among your colleagues. Someone must know someone (who knows someone, etc) and for the sake of your DCs find some way to get at least an every second weekend arrangement with a standard summer and other holiday arrangement. You would not be asking for something extraordinary, just what is pretty much standard. The only arrangement he could seriously push for is for the DCs to move in with him permanently but I think he would have to prove serious incapacity as a parent on your part in order to achieve this. He could ask for a 50/50 arrangement, but with a distance of 70 miles that would mean different schools for the DCs for half of the week, etc., so that would be very impractical.

It doesn't have to be done overnight. I would get the childcare sorted first, then start on the visitation. But I think you need to plan and be determined about it. Don't allow yourself to be intimidated by his threats. Even though your relationship with him has come to a legal end, someone like your ex will continue to make a punchbag out of you and dump his frustrations from his current relationship or career on you if you let him. You may even be able to correctly sense how things are going in his life by his level of antipathy for you.

This man isn't going to take no for an answer when your DCs are teenagers without inflicting many an emotional scar on them. People like him play very dirty with their own children if they get a whiff of being rejected, which he will interpret as him losing and you winning, and an intolerable abandonment by the children. There will come a point where they will be forced to choose him or their own emotional wellbeing.

yeah I'm with the crowd, if she wants money for it then she is a childminder first and a granny second during that time and should act like one.

I would be putting my foot down, if you can't do it with him then I will have to move him to a childminder.