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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my mum to help?

201 replies

Peppin · 31/05/2012 17:50

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:22

General Hmm?

I think my Dad was in the army with him Grin

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2012 18:24

Actually, the more you say, the more I think you need to move him, she's being unreasonable, if she wants paying like a professional childminder, she can bloody well register as one and act in a professional manner.

Currently, you have the downsides of family care (being unable to insist on care the way you want, having the 'guilt' of family help) and none of the upsides (that it's always free - the worst case situation for most other parents is that they pay costs, but the actual 'labour' of childcare is always free, I know noone who is paying for that).

reddaisy · 31/05/2012 18:25

YANBU. And unless your mum needs the money I think it is a bit much paying her as much as a CM. I would not make a threat about moving them personally.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:26

Yes, it is unrealistic to expect her to 'take him in hand'

I'm sorry but that's your job - not hers!

If he's able to do it at the weekend, then bloody well make sure he does...and tell him he doesn't get to do anything until it's done if that's how he's going to act.

I'm sorry but 'being a boy' has nothing to do with it either...and I've got 3 of them!

You're not doing him any favours by making excuses for him here. It's his homework and his responsibility. It's also your responsibility as a parent to make sure it's not 'last minute'.

fatfingers · 31/05/2012 18:26

But surely with her paying clients, the child arrives and sits down ready to do their homework. She doesn't have to cajole, persuade or order them to get their homework out against their will. That is completely different imo

Dropdeadfred · 31/05/2012 18:28

I would put your dc with a childminder.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 31/05/2012 18:32

i would put child with a CM
could you look at an older child coming in to help with homework?

feeling your pain - i have a 6 year old DS and he does not enjoy the homework!

feel it is only going to get worse

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 18:33

Worra do you have a job? I work quite long hours. I would much prefer to be at home doing all of the proper business of inculcating values about homework in my DCs but as life has turned out, I have to work and the best thing, I thought, would be for my mum to ensure homework etc is done, seeing as how (1) she said she would and (2) teaching is her profession.

At the weekends the DCs are more often than not at their dad's Sad. He does help but DS needs to do some work midweek as well.

Obviously I B.U. Hard to see what more I can do personally though, as a single mum with a full time job. Sigh.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 31/05/2012 18:37

Well I have to say I do feel sorry for you with your mum insisting on being paid the same as a CM. That does seem mean.

But the homework is your DS's problem. I too have a ten year old DS so know exactly what it's like. You need to tell him that he has to do it before he gets to play or there will be consequences. Or you accept that he does it at the weekend with no moaning. His choice. After that it is between him and his teacher. If he gets in enough trouble he will soon learn to do it.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 18:38

But you really don't understand do you?

If you take your own child in hand and insist he does his homework at your Mum's otherwise there will be consequences, he'll have to do it won't he?

You're blaming your Mum for not insisting he does something that you don't insist on either.

Tell him if he doesn't have a quick snack/drink and get on with his homework with the minimum of fuss, you're going to have to start punishing him.

Get his teacher involved too. Once his problem is solved, your Mum may be only too pleased to help him.

Hownoobrooncoo · 31/05/2012 18:42

If your mum is insisting on getting paid, then she should do as you agreed. She is not doing you any favours. It does all sound a bit strange. Is she short of cash?

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 18:44

well she can tell her ds he must first do his hw and then go out to play but if she is not there and the grandmother says," oh yes go out if you like" how effective can it possibly be?

The problem I see with changing to a childminder is that you don't know if ds will be happy there and you say he is happier with your mum than he was at his previous childminder - and then the homework still would not have been done. No harm in looking into a childminder and asking specifically about the homework issue.

I feel sorry for you, I do think your mother is being unhelpful but I assume she wants to be the nice granny and not the disciplinarian

QuintessentialShadows · 31/05/2012 18:47

Ya a bit BU.

Would the CM tutor him?

I expect your mum would want professional fees on top of CM fees, if she were to actually tutor him. We pay £40 per hour for our 10 year old sons tutor. Apparently this is the going rate for a full 1 hour tutoring.
The tutor follows her own plan, and do different things with my son that she feels benefit him. She does not do his homework with him. I do that, and usually at the weekend. By the time we are home from activities, etc, it is late and he is tired.

When is she seeing her other paying clients if your son is there daily from end of school until 7 pm?

A 7pm arrival for a Y5 child for tutoring is a bit late.

If this arrangement means your mum is not earning her usual tutoring fees because your son is there, I am not surprised she wants to be paid. My sons tutor earns £400 per week by tutoring two children daily, one from 4pm, and one from 5pm.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:47

Nice grannies don't get paid, though.

My mum only looks after my niece and nephew once a week, does my SIL's ironing, ad gets them to do their HW, if necessary.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 18:48

... sorry, meant to say, and she does it happily, to be helpful. And my SIL is immensely grateful

CrunchyFrog · 31/05/2012 18:50

If your mum was registered, then you'd get tax credits to pay her would you not? Or if you were paying any registered child carer?

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 18:50

that's a good point. When is your mum doing the tutoring she makes a living off? Can she not work with your ds because she is actually tutoring anyway when he there?

Longtalljosie · 31/05/2012 18:52

YANBU. I'm sure you could find a CM who would work until 7.30 - not easily, but the hours will suit someone. You could pay them with childcare vouchers rather than cash and be better off - and while they won't tutor them, they will certainly agree to sit them down and tell them it's homework time. Your mother is being very odd, for all sorts of reasons...

DontmindifIdo · 31/05/2012 18:52

Financially you might be better off with a registered Childminder, I assume you can't give your mum Childcare vouchers etc.

If you can find someone who can do the hours and will tell your DS to do his homework, then move him. your mum can then do normal Granny things. (Can't help but think your mum is seriously taking the piss)

NarkedPuffin · 31/05/2012 18:52

Would it be cheaper to use a childminder and get your DS an hours tutoring?

I think it's expected of childminders to get the child to do their homeworks isn't it? Even if that only means switching off the tv and sitting them down at a table and then walking away? Your mother is taking the money a professional childminder would and then acting like a grandmother - letting him go outside to play instead. She can't have it both ways.

workshy · 31/05/2012 18:56

I'm with Worra on this one

I'm a single parent of 2 and work full time and time I have with them is precious and I do not want to spend it arguing with them about homework

they understand this

I collect them at 6pm and get home about 20 past
I then have to start cooking an evening meal etc etc etc

if they want to play a game with me, read with me etc then they make sure they do their homework at the afterschool club -there is no provision for this, no one supervising them etc but they can choose their activities so they choose homework, otherwise they do end up doing it at 7.30!

at 10 he is absolutely old enough to understand that homework is his responsibility and there are consequences if he doesn't do it -for my DCs the consequence is my time

Xales · 31/05/2012 18:56

it's always last minute, causes arguments, and is stressful. Can certainly see why your mum doesn't want to do it. I don't think arguments and stress are part of child minding or a grnad mothers remit.

At 10 he is old enough to start taking consequences. Tell him 2 or 3 times he needs to do his homework and then let him go into school without it done.

JoannaFight · 31/05/2012 18:57

Yanbu. It's her area of expertise and she's an involved (at her request) grandma. If homework is proving a problem and she wants to help at a time of day when homework is usually done, then I would be wondering why she won't.

Ok a CM wouldn't do it but families are different. You are paying her too. As she's elected (in fact 'kept insisting' are the words you used) I think other than food, I wonder what you're paying for.

Dprince · 31/05/2012 19:01

Yes you pay her. But she is also their gm and probably does not want to spend her time arguing with him. He is old enough to know he must do his homework. He also knows he can get round his gm as most kids do. People who are not happy with their childcare change it. Its simple really.

mathanxiety · 31/05/2012 19:06

I suggest letting your DS deal with the consequences of homework not handed in or handed in late or sub par if you can't find either some method of motivation or the time to help with his organisation of time. Maybe part of this is that he waits until the last minute knowing he will be rescued or helped when he is desperate?

Your DS seems to be taking a leaf from your book actually -- you are both trying to get out of doing something you don't want to do but you both know needs to be done. Or maybe all the adults involved here have assumed it is someone else's job and the DS is managing to slip through the cracks? How about everyone who takes care of the DS sitting down together and getting on the same page about what work is expected and when, so he can't get away with any more drama-creation and gets attention from everyone for doing the work and positive behaviour instead? He is getting something out of the drama that the last minute homework creates. Figure out what that is and nip it in the bud.

I agree with Worra; your DS needs to have some sort of serious consequence from you for not doing as granny tells him re homework when he is at hers. And another one for playing up when he is at home or with his father on a Saturday. You all need to work together though.

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