AIBU to expect my mum to help?

[Peppin]

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

Gnocch it's nowhere near 40 hours a week, more like 20 hours. And if you had bothered to read the other posts, you would know that GM does not in fact "care" for the DC's.

Thanks Gnocchi for telling me the CM rates

But gnocchi - she isn't being expected to take them, she insisted upon it. And while paying for meals and some extra would of course be reasonable, Granny's also insisting upon full CM rates of payment and then some, despite the fact that she's also tutoring other kids whilst "looking after" the OP's DC, and expecting effusive thanks and gifts as well. Frankly she's taking her own daughter for a ride.

I have read the posts thanks. GM IS caring for OPs DCs, as far as I can see OPs complaint is that the GM isnt ensuring DCs get their homework done.

My point about not paying GPs for childcare was a general point re: parents who expect free full time childcare or complain that theor parents don't offer free childcare. I didn;t make that explicit in my post.

I still don't think it is unreasonable for her to expect some money towards her providing childcare 5 nights week during term time and three weeks full time.

If she was a teacher for many years then surely she should use her skills and experience to encourage the GRandchild to do homework though by the sounds of it she will probably want paying more for that!

I would tell your DS that unless he does his homework at his Grandmas then you will write a letter to his teacher explaining that he simply couldnt be bothered . She shouldnt have to tutor him , but if he gets a bit stuck or has a question i am sure she would be happy to help him.
Is it possible that as a grandparent she doesnt want to be the 'baddy' ?

Gnocchi, do you know what retainer your mum charges for weeks in which the parents don't need childcare?

Can't you just get your child to do the homework at the weekend and leave your mum out of it?

Fluffy, perhaps you haven't read the thread. I DO get DS to do it at the weekend. However, as I only have him from about 5pm on Sundays most weekends (he goes to his father's most weekends), it is rather last minute. It would help if my mum could get him to do some of it mid-week.

There is no question of Ds not doing his homework or being in trouble at school. He does it and hands it in on time. However, as a working mother paying commercial CM rates to my mum, it would be nice if she would ensure he sits down to do it mid-week, as some posters have said their CMs do.

Sounds like your mum may need a tutoring fee to do what you want.

Peppin My DM charges full fee whenever the parents don't need her, but doesn't charge for when she is away. She gives 90% of her holiday dates to parents at the start of the school year so that they can work around what she takes and most parents take the same AL as her, therefore they don't pay her anything. She takes 90% if not more, of her AL in the school holidays. She takes 4 weeks and the odd Friday off as AL. She doesn't work BHs and doesnt charge for them.

If someone only wanted term time care, she can offer that, and either parents pay weekly on the weeks she is needed, OR she works out what they would pay over the year and splits it into twelve and they par DD each month the same amount. Similarly, if DCs come to her all summer holidyas (except for the fortnight she takes off which is usually the last two weeks), she also does a Yearly thing where the whole years fees are split equally over the 12 months, so in the summer you pay the same as term time. Just makes it easier for everyone all round as its hard for some parents to pull out more than double their childcare fees in those 6 weeks.

She also doesnt charge for any meals, or extra activities, however a LOT of the stuff she does with the kids are free, such as heritage stuff, beaches, museaums and the weekly toddler groups which she pays for.

Just to add, if a parent asked her to ensure their DC did their homework on a certain night, she would be on it. Your DMum, if she is receiving CMs rates needs to start acting like a CM.

I have insisted, btw, that my DMum takes money off us when my DD starts going there. She tried to refuse but I will put my DD elsewhere if my DM refuses as I think it is unfair of me to expect her to do nearly £600 worth of work per month for free.

"Your DMum, if she is receiving CMs rates needs to start acting like a CM." Exactly.

She is acting the complete opposite of a CM. She's acting like a parent yet getting paid for it!

She's not doing you any favours Peppin.

I'm quite disgusted that she is charging you when she is also charging the people whose children she's tutoring. I have tutored before and had to pay for childcare for my own children when I did it. There is no way she can be an effective carer to them whilst also working and give them the attention that they deserve and NEED.

How does she justify this to you? It's really, really not right. If you are paying her the going rate as you say then I would suggest you pay someone else who will actually give them some attention, chat about their days, support their needs including learning/homework needs.

It sounds more like she is trying to punish you for working rather than support you in bringing up your children well. If you were at home, I'm sure you wouldn't be happy with them spending the afternoon and evening in front of the TV or computer games unsupervised, you shouldn't accept her doing this either.

She's a teacher, she would be more than capable of getting him to do the work if she wanted to. You don't catch 10 yo school children out in the playground with their teachers limply wringing their hands and saying to the bog "well, I asked them if they wanted to do some schoolwork, but they just wanted to play, so I let them..."

I can't help but notice the general feeling of judginess towards the OP, who has to work every hour, is being treated appallingly by her mother, and is not abicating her responsabilties in any way. Her mother HAS got a responsability towards her GS, the more so as she being being paid the full whack and then some each month, and guess what? Daddy does too, and hardly anyone has even mentioned him.

It's not fecking unreasonable to expect help and support off the pair of them, I wish people would feck off with laying all this at the OP's door. She gets DS to do his HW at weekends, she has asked her M to get him to do it, and all the mother has done has smoothly lied that she will, fecked off and tutored some other child, and then gotten stroppy when pulled up on it.

/rant

By bog I meant board of governors

Peppin why don't you ring a few CMs to see a) what the cost is for two children b) if they will do the hours you need as working up till 7 is quite late and c) what their policy is on homework.

At least then you will be armed with the actual information. If you find there are CMs out there who can meet your needs then I would suggest having a conversation with your mother about this where you remain calm and non judgemental, thank her for all her "help" so far but say that you need DS to be able to do his homework and you feel that its not fair to expect her to do it as she has so much else on. Then see what her response is and take it from there.

And yes I do think its odd that she forks out more for your DB's girlfriend of 6 months and charges you more than the going rate to look after her GC then effectively ignores them in preference of more lucrative children. It sounds very odd indeed.

I agree with nutella as well I think you are getting a very hard time OP, it must be hard to work such long hours and not spend much time with your DCs but you are doing everything you can to help them grow up with the right values and you should be proud of yourself.

Thanks rookie and nutella. Actually I have just remembered something else that makes this eveni stranger. One of the families whose kids my mum tutors (all at private school) live near to us, and their mother has a job which means she is often away overnight. The dad is fairly disorganised about making the kids do their homework when mum's away, and the mother complains about this to my mum. My mum frequently goes TO THEIR HOUSE of her own volition while this woman's away, to supervise the kids' homework.

She leaves my DCs with my dad in order to do this.

It's not all the time, just sometimes. But still.

I think I am her cash cow.

OP, is there any way your ex could have your son one or two evenings per week and you actually get to see him at the weekend? I think you have a really raw deal, to be honest.

nutellaontoast Fri 01-Jun-12 13:43:02
"She's a teacher, she would be more than capable of getting him to do the work if she wanted to. You don't catch 10 yo school children out in the playground with their teachers limply wringing their hands and saying to the bog "well, I asked them if they wanted to do some schoolwork, but they just wanted to play, so I let them...""

Teachers don't have a magic set of powers: they have an agreed set of sanctions and (hopefully) a headteacher to back them up if the going gets tough.

Parents also have the option of sanctions (docking pocket money or whatever).

The first plan of action should be for the OP and her mother to agree what should happen if the ds refuses to cooperate. Atm he is probably relying on the thought that she can't punish me because she thinks mum won't like it.

My mum was an excellent teacher in her day and has put in a lot of work coaching my nephews but she frankly acknowledges that it only works until they lose interest because they know and she knows that she is their gran and not their teacher.

Again, you need to find alternatives from September, you do have time to sort this out, talk to your Ex, he might be able to help you find someone.

the idea of advertising at schools/6th form colleges is a good one.

Could you find out which days your children get the bulk if their homework, and arrange for them to go to a childminder that day ? Perhaps this is just the case with CM I know, but they provide space and time for children to do hw straight after school, and it is done before they play.

Your mum doesn't want to help DS because all her attention is on her tutees.

I agree with the sixth former idea. Sixth formers often have "frees" at least one afternoon a week (unless you are an idiot like me and doing a gazillion A-levels) so would finish earlier than your kids. They will also be very motivated towards getting your kids to do homework as then they can be paid to do their own homework.

I am going to look into the 6th-former idea. We live in quite a rural village and so I think it would have to be a 6th-former who also lives in the village, as the 6th form college is a good 10 miles away and so it's unlikely I'd get anyone coming to our village to do this job. But if there's someone local, it would work. I think a sign in the village shop would be best but then of course my mum will probably see it and ask me what I'm doing.

ImperialBlether, ex-h lives 70 miles away in London so mid-week help from him is off the cards. I have always hated the contact arrangements, which were agreed upon on the basis of completely different circumstances to our circumstances now. I was a student at the time and was at home all holidays with the DCs so it seemed fairer for him to have more of the weekends than the usual every other weekend; now I work full time. When I started back to work I said straightaway it wasn't fair and I wanted every other weekend. He is an extremely selfish man (hence moving 70 miles away to London but expecting the DCs to go there almost every weekend, and making a massive fuss if they ever want to go to a friend's birthday party on "his" weekend) and wasn't having any of it. In his mind, there is nothing more important in the DCs lives than seeing him. When they have complained about wanting to see their friends more at weekends, he has a go at me and says that it is my job (and my mother's) to make sure they see all their friends during the week so that they don't want to do it at "his" time at the weekend. When I point out that their friends have music lessons/football/Brownies after school and this combined with the DCs activities means that there is only 1 day a week when they are free on the same day as their friends, ex-h says "I don't believe you. Stop making problems."

He is impossible to deal with and an arse. He thinks the worl revolves around him, he really does. When I made it clear that I was serious about every other weekend, he threatened further litigation. The divorce was horrendous and 6 years later I still couldn't countenance going through that again.

I am looking forward to the DCs' teenage years, when they will no doubt refuse to go and see him if it means not seeing their friends. For now though, he piles massive guilt trips on them ("Don't you want to see Daddy? But I work so hard all week and I miss you so much and you can see your friends all week but you can only see me at weekends."), and they always end up saying "Oh, OK, I won't go to [INSERT EVENT] then".