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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my mum to help?

201 replies

Peppin · 31/05/2012 17:50

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

OP posts:
JoannaFight · 31/05/2012 19:07

The homework is only an issue one day a week though according to Peppin's op. It doesn't seem too much to hope she'd help a bit given her background. Also she agreed to help with it initially.

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 19:14

what happens when the homework load increases?

If it is just one day a week, would there be any point in making a separate arrangement for that one day so he starts with someone new who from the start insists the work gets done?

CremeEggThief · 31/05/2012 19:15

I am going to say YANBU, because your mum agreed to help. If she didn't want to, she should have told you straight out. As another poster said, it sounds as if your mother doesn't want to be in a teacher type role with her grandchildren.

OhNoMyFanjo · 31/05/2012 19:17

No it's not unreasonable to me, but she isn't prepared to have tgat fight. So either you leave it as it is, stop nagging him and let him learn the hard way, or put something in place as I suggested above.

olimpia · 31/05/2012 19:23

peppin I agree with you. It's annoying full stop. The problem you have is that arrangements of a commercial nature don't work well with family members. If she wasnt your mum you would not expect her to do the homework with your DS. You have higher expectations because you're paying her and she's your mum. Mixing the two things together can only cause friction. I think you may have to accept to lose this battle Sad

AThingInYourLife · 31/05/2012 19:37

Move him to a professional childminder.

Your mother is being a dick by
1 insisting on having him
2 insisting on being paid the going rate
3 refusing to honour your agreement

Your son needs to take responsibility for his homework. He's 10, sonthat means he needs someone to keep an eye on him and encourage him not to slack off.

He may be "happier" with his grandmother, but that is because he is getting away with murder. It's not what's best for him.

parachutesarefab · 31/05/2012 19:55

DD1 is 10, and is quite happy doing homework until 9pm if needed (ie we've been busy / or forgot).

DD2 is 8. Anything later than 8pm a struggle - but she'll happily spend time in the morning before school.

Yes, they're girls, but we have had major issues with DD2 and homework.

At 10 he needs to take some responsibility, or he's going to struggle at secondary school. You need to have sanctions if he doesn't do his work by agreed times, and carry them through. And everyone involved needs to be on board. Yes, it's unfair that your Mum offered to help, but isn't. But that's the situation, so you need to work with her to come up with something that does work. Otherwise it's the classic child playing one parent off against the other. Good Luck with it

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 19:58

I'd just like to set what appears to be quite a serious misconception straight here. I am not abdicating my responsibility for getting DS to do his homework AT ALL. I make him do it at weekends; he does it. It is simply that he would benefit more by doing it in more manageable chunks rather than all last minute on Sunday evening (he goes to his father's after school on Friday most weekends and I get him back Sunday teatime).

Clearly, as I have a job which means I am not able to do this in the week with him, I have looked to my mum for help. Quintessentialshadows, my mum actually tutors the other kids while my DCs are there after school between 3.30-7ish pm. One of the reasons she gave for needing payment for having the DCs was that she could be earning if she didn't have them, but now she tutors every day after school for payment and my DCs watch TV, play videogames, and DS goes out to play. She's not really into disciplining them to do anything else as she is busy with these other kids.

Last week DS said to me that he was waiting to do his homework with my mum but she didn't do it with him and he would have done it but he needed her help.

My real problem is that I know a CM wouldn't do this but frankly I do expect my own mother to assist given that this is her own DGS. That is sort of the point of her looking after them instead of a CM. I do pay her an awful lot of money, which she expects. She is not short of cash - she and my dad have generous pension arrangements and their mortgage is paid off. I have an adult sibling whom she funds because my sibling does not work very much (no disability or illness, just unambitious and can rely on my parents to support them).

I would love to take the kids and get other childcare but think to do so would make the kids unhappy and it's a bit extreme. I just want my mum to offer DS the same help she gives other kids!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 20:01

So why doesn't he take his homework with him to his Dad's, or is he another adult who is passing the buck?

Also, if your Mum is being paid to actually tutor other children while she's looking after yours, no wonder she hasn't got time to fight and nag your 10yr old.

rookiemater · 31/05/2012 20:03

YANBU
DS is only 6 but I know how exhausted he is on the 2 days a week when I work until 5 and its a real struggle getting him to do his homework by the time we have had dinner.BTW I do work the other days I just finish earlier so my working times cannot be helped.

It's ridiculous to assume that you are at fault here for not forcing your 10 year old to start doing his homework at 7.30pm, that's far too late for him to be starting.

Your mother should know this and its not right to say she would become a tutor by making him do his homework. If I had the same arrangement with a childminder I would ask her to tell him to do his homework - I wouldn't expect her to help or to tutor him to it, but I would ask her to ensure that time was set aside when he was meant to do it.

However it doesn't seem as if its going to work going through her so I would instead nag and plague your DS about it. Tell him and your mother that if he doesn't do this homework he is going to lose some weekend treat or computer game rights and follow through. Alternatively if this doesn't work let him go into school with his homework not done and let him face the consequences.

Sittinginthesun · 31/05/2012 20:05

I agree this is blurred boundaries - can you just sit down over a cuppa and talk to your mum? Explain that the homework issue is a big deal, it is causing you worry and tension. Ask her how much she is prepared to do (ie supervise in the usual way and provide a quiet time with no distractions, or go a step further and actually get involved and "teach").

Then, once you both know where you stand, present a united front to your DS. Tell him what is expected of him.

If she doesn't want to co operate, maybe a chat with school, and ask if they have a "home work club".

At least you'll have cleared the air/confronted the issue with your mum.

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 20:06

the problem with continuing with the present arrangement pepin is that your mother for the past 6 weeks has not done what you have asked. I don't see what you can do that will change that tbh

rookiemater · 31/05/2012 20:06

Oh sorry you have already answered some of the points, sounds like it is not your DS that is the problem it is your mother. Does she have the other kids the whole time? You could make the point by asking if you could pay extra to book a slot for DS to do his homework with her, that might shame her into doing it.
Alternatively if its something he can't do on his own then you just have to live with doing it with him Sunday tea time.

Original poster
Peppin · 31/05/2012 20:07

I am offended by your repeated insistence that I am "passing the buck", Worra, when I've made it clear that I do do his homework with him but would just like my mum to assist midweek so that it doesn't all have to get done in one go on Sunday at the end of the day.

I was looking for some constructive views, not persistent wilful misreading of what I have said. Perhaps you think working mothers are somehow not trying hard enough. I work long hour because I have to, not because I am wildly ambitious or materialistic. I am the only adult in my household to pay the bills, so I have to. Doing my best. Looking for a bit of help from family to fill in the gaps. That is all.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 31/05/2012 20:07

She is accepting payment for minding your children while she is working? Shock

She is totally taking the piss out of you.

Your children deserve better.

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 20:08

I was thinking that too

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 31/05/2012 20:08

Oh dear, I do agree the homework thing needs sorting, but to me, the bigger problem is your mum charging you.

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 20:11

if they are both retired, is your father at home, would he oversee the homework? Tbh I don't think it is necessary to be an expert, retired teacher etc for this.

iloveACK · 31/05/2012 20:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all & totally understand why you feel let down. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her & explain again clearly what you need, especially if your DS is wanting her help.

[Fwiw, I pay my mum to look after our boys. It is slightly different as she'd struggle financially otherwise, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one paying grandparents Grin]

3rdnparty · 31/05/2012 20:15

Peppin, its a tricky situation but I do think you need to talk to your mum - if she is tutoring the whole time your dc's are there then she is not looking after them and will not be able to help with ds homework anyway...
How about a childminder 1 day a week and thats the day he does his homework or a chunk of it, if not then a consequence......my dn who is that age gets some literacy and some numeracy a week so often splits it into two..also why can he not do some at his dads at the weekend? it is as much his responsibility for ds to do his homework as yours.... this is going to get worse at secondary best to sort a system now..... good luck

ballstoit · 31/05/2012 20:23

Well, it seems to me there are a number of problems, the homework being the least of them...

  • when do your DC get any time/attention from you? If you work til 7.30 every day, and they spend the weekends with their Dad?
  • the standard of care your DC are getting from your mother is generally pretty rubbish...and she is charging for this.
  • if you can afford to pay 'hundreds of pounds' for childcare, without any tax credits contribution, is there not any way you can look to reduce hours/ look for a job that pays a bit less but is closer to home/ employ an au pair or student who will be able to do something other than TV or electronic games (including homework) with your DC.

The more you reveal about your DC's lives and lack of time with you or another interested adult all week, the more I think the homework battle is your DS's way to grab your attention, rather than him 'not being a self started'.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2012 20:28

No-one is having a go at you for working for goodness sake.

I (and some others) are suggesting that...

A) You give your child consequences for playing up and not getting on with his homework...he is 10 after all.

B) You get the teacher involved if discipline does not work.

C) He takes some homework to his Dad's so it doesn't have to be done last minute on a Sunday evening.

D) Once you/your ex and the teacher have drummed this home to your DS that he has to take it more seriously, your Mum may well be willing to keep an eye out for him whilst he's doing it...and check it over when he's finished.

QuintessentialShadows · 31/05/2012 20:28

I get why you are unhappy with the situation.

You are paying your mum the same fee as a childminder, but as it is she does LESS than a childminder would, because she is in fact looking after other peoples kids and ensuring they get education. This is not fair on your son.

You need to talk to her about this. The reason why you let her look after him rather than the childminder, is that you thought it would be good for your son and her to have quality time. At the same time you thought he could benefit from her professionally as he needs educational help that you are not able to give him. (Even if you were able to do his homework with him, it is frustrating to try teach your own child, especially if they have problems - I know this from experience.) As it is, he is NOT getting quality time with her as she is tutoring other children, and he is NOT getting help with his academic needs, so it is clearly not working out for either party.

(Aside from your mum who gets two sets of fees, but dont tell her that...)

SauvignonBlanche · 31/05/2012 20:33

Do your DCs go to your Mums everyday?

GnomeDePlume · 31/05/2012 20:34

YANBU

I think your mum is cheating you by demanding payment then ignoring your DCs. TBH she sounds more than a bit grasping. Basically she is being paid twice.

I know that there would be a bit of disruption by changing to a CM but given that they arent getting any attention from DGM would it really matter that much?

In your shoes I would change to a CM. Ask around, you may well find that you can find one ready to provide some light homework supervision - it wouldnt hurt to ask. At least with a CM you can agree things and expect them to be provided.

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