AIBU to expect my mum to help?

[Peppin]

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

IMO there's no such thing as the right to "expect" a grandparent to do anything for your child. Anything they have to offer is a bonus but the responsibility for your child rests with you.

Or, more to the point in this case, given that the issue is homework and the child is 10 years old, as Worra says, the responsibility for his homework rests with him. And if he isn't doing it then it's down to you to issue sanctions until he does.

That might include telling him and his father that he can't visit his dad every weekend because you need to help him/stand over him to ensure that he's done his homework. After all, it's not entirely unreasonable, many DC spend every other weekend with the absent parent. TBH it seems to me that that's what much of this is about - I get the feeling that you feel a bit guilty that you work all week and you don't want to appear to be the nagging mum when you do have time with the DC. That's understandable but sometimes you have to take charge and be cruel to be kind. (Apologies if I'm totally off course, naturally :) ).

Yanbu

A childminder will not be tutoring other children whilst being paid for looking after yours.

Your mum sounds greedy IMO.

to be honest, I'd give your mum until the end of the school year, make it clear you need him to do his homework, if not, then over the summer find a new childminder, as others have said, you'd get a better service for roughly the same money, you might even save money - your DC might not like it as much, but long term it would be better for them.

Or compromise on 3 nights with CMer, 2 nights with your Mum? Ask her if she'll either not take in other pupils on those nights or tell her you won't pay he as much per night if she's not doing the care.

Graham - I disagree, if a grandparent expects to be paid the same as a Childminder, they should be prepared to offer the same level of care as a childminder. If they just want it to be 'fun time with Granny' then they shouldn't make it a business transaction.

I totally get why you arent simply letting your DS sink or swim on the consequences of homework.

My DS at 13 has still not quite made the link. The problem is that for some they will not do the homework (or do it badly), get some draconian punishment, get upset, be unable to concentrate during the lesson then repeat the cycle.

At this stage I can see that the parent's role is as much as anything damage limitation. Detentions etc wont make them learn it will just make them resentful and miserable.

"IMO there's no such thing as the right to "expect" a grandparent to do anything for your child."

Eh, there is when you're paying them the going rate for a childminder.

If I found out my childminder was doing another job while I was paying her good money to look after my children I'd see she lost her licence.

peppin some people are very aggressive on MN and I get why you're offended

I think your mum can't have it both ways. If she's being paid like a CM, then she needs to act like a CM and not be tutoring other DC at the same time. Perhaps you should mention it to her like that. If she doesn't agree, then you'll have to start using CMs again, I think. Unlike a lot of other posters, I don't have a problem with you paying your DM. I did the same when my DM looked after my DC. Not everyone can do it for free, nor should they be expected to. However, if they are paid, then they need to do what a paid childcare provider would do.

Can I also ask, what are your DC doing while your DM is tutoring? They're not really getting any of her time, are they?

Also, why can't your DS take his HW to his dad's? It's part of life, isn't it. when he goes to secondary, he'll probably get HW on Friday that he has to do by Monday, so will have to do it on daddy's time.

It's not fun time with Granny! It is literally being in Granny's house while Granny does exactly what she would be doing anyway! DS has just said to me that he would prefer to be able to come home after school as "Granny is always on the phone or out [she often leaves the DCs with my dad], or teaching someone else and so I can't really do anything with her."

I would like to get an au pair but don't have a spare room.

If I could go back in time I would never have agreed to this arrangement but there has been a lot of mission creep and we are where we are.

Grahamtribe, I get what you're saying but I definitely don't feel guilty nagging the DCs. Their father is totally indulgent, thinks the sun shines out of their backsides and they can do no wrong. Every weekend with him is about expensive presents and meals out in restaurants. Then on Sunday night I get to do all the nagging. Of course I would prefer it if I didn't have to be at work all day and had more time with them, but I took the decision that it was better for them to have a working mum as an example than a mum on benefits.

I find this set-up very strange I don't know where to start!!!

Right your mum should not be charging you for having her grandchildren at her insistance you must be missing out on some tax credits and be worse off. If she wants to childmind your children then she needs to register with ofsted!!!

What line of work are you in that you have to work every night til 7pm again if the kids go to their father at the weekend then you must barely see them? I am a single working parent and don't want to make you feel more guilty but surely there is a balance to be found?

The homework thing is annoying but in all of what you have said that seems to be the least of your problems tbh.

"Grahamtribe, I get what you're saying but I definitely don't feel guilty nagging the DCs. "

In which case I got it completely wrong and I'm sorry for that, Peppin. :) There's nothing wrong with you working, of course not, sorry also if you thought I was having a dig.

But, thinking on what you've said, would an ultimatum of "If you don't do your homework during the week then you won't be able to go to your Dad's and do the lovely things he has arranged for you" work?

I agree, olimpia. Some are deliberately misunderstanding the OP.

OP, I have to say I'm really shocked that your mum is charging you so much. I do think she shouldn't be out of pocket if she's giving them their evening meal. In your mum's position I'd set a reasonable amount for food and expect some wine and other treats every week. Not hard cash, though - not when she has no mortgage and a good pension. I couldn't take it off my child if he/she was a single parent, particularly.

It's outrageous that she won't help your son with his homework. He's her grandchild. She clearly values education and sees the point of extra tutoring. She is charging you a full childminder's wage and then working at another job at the same time. It's disgraceful.

And, for those who say childminders won't do homework - that might be true in your experience, but it wasn't in mine. My children always did their homework at the childminder's - she had them all sitting there doing their work quietly. I would do that if I was a childminder and that's what I expected and got. I didn't ask - it was just done.

You need to sit down and discuss this with your mum in a calm and professional manner. Your relationship with her re the evenings is that of employer (at her own instigation) and I think you have every right to say how you want her to spend her time with them. If she has other commitments, then you should tell her she should make sure she's fulfilled her commitments with your son beforehand. She's got a nerve!

I see that your Mum had the right intentions but now the plan isn't happening she is feeling bad and doesn't want reminding / admit it - hence the hanging up on you.

She has muddied the waters between being their GP and being a CM by insisting on payment. So you are in position of paying customer and grateful daughter neither of which is sitting comfortably, when you are wanting to thrash out an issue like this. Meanwhile she prioritises the 'real' paying clients.

I can completely see why you are frustrated and exasperated - despite all declarations of intention and ability to see it through the plan has been allowed to fizzle into nothing and the opportunity to improve the status quo is languishing in the 'wouldn't that be a nice idea pile' :(

However, I think the only way you will be able to find out what you are dealing with is to bury your irritation and civilly ask your mum if she would like to relinquish the responsibility. Say that it has been X time and no homework done, therefore it would seem it is not possible and should you forget it and try to think of another plan? You can't build an alternative while she is theoretically covering it off for you.
She may find that it is a huge relief and she says - yes that would be best (in which case you know it was never going to happen anyway but now it is out in the open so no more failed expectations / guilt, and you both know where you stand)
Or, she says - Oh no I really want to make it happen (but now she has been shown how much she has let it slide and is motivated to come good on her offer)

I think, there are some dubious aspects to the way her help is given here, but that isn't your question, and is probably a whole other thread.

I think your only next move is to have a pleasant chat about it and find out what you are dealing with rather than this dissatisfactory problem hanging in the air.

You are paying your Mum CM rates. I'd send the kids to a child minder once a week instead to complete homework there.

How about employing a child minder to have them in your home for a couple of days a week?

When my children were about 10 and 12, I paid for a girl at the local sixth form to come to the house straight after school and stay with them until I got back. She gave them their dinner and they sat down and did their homework while she did hers. She helped them if they needed it. I'd give her a lift home when I got back. My kids loved it. Is there anything like that that you could do?

I would SO love to find someone like that ImperialBlether. I think the DCs would love it and it would help with a lot of the other stuff. I did look into it through a local Nanny/au pair agency but couldn't find anyone.

Re changing to a CM, even if I wanted to, I couldn't, because where we are there are only 2 CMs and both finish at 6pm latest. I work quite a long way from home and although I leave work at 6ish, I don't get back before 7/7.15ish and by the time I've got the DCs home it's 7.30pm.

I have asked my mum many times in the past whether actually she would prefer to stop having the DCs but she always twists it round to the effect that SHE thinks I am being ungrateful and unreasonably demanding but that if only I were more grateful for what she does, everything would be better. As well as paying her the cash each month, I also buy her "just because I thought you'd like it" presents quite frequently and spend more on her at Christmas and birthdays than on anyone else (including the DCs) as she likes expensive things and I try to give her gifts that will demonstrate that I appreciate her looking after the DCs. It doesn't make a difference.

THe problem seems to me to lie with your son not your mother. Why is the school not punishing him for not going his homework - after all they set it.l What is this modernn trend of making it the parents/ grandparents / childminders responsiblity to get the homework done. It is the CHILD's responsiblity and he needs to realise that by some sanctions from the school. Sure, parents need to be able to provide a place/quiet time for the child to have the opportuntiy to do the homework and to encourage it to be done by inisting TV turned off etc, but if the child just won't sit still then what is the parent expected to do?

Following your latest post i think your mum is a greedy, grabby manipulator.

Why do you need to be so grateful?

She's not doing you a favour, she's doing paid work for you. And she's not even doing a good job.

Your relationship with her sounds really toxic.

would you act so grateful to a Childminder or would you consider you were paying them for a service?

Look, this isn't working, but it's now half term, you've not got long until the summer, I'd start looking for other options from September. You can ask around CMer, others might have recently registered since you last looked, you can start asking about any local students as per Imperial's suggestion, or also asking about live out au pairs (some agencies will do this).

Yes our relationship is quite complicated. It is sad because we used to be extremely close when I was younger but as I've got older she's become more and more critical of me while reminding me all the time how lucky I am to have her.

When I point out that she is not doing me a favour, she is BEING PAID COMMERCIAL RATES< she gets all uppity and huffy about it. I have made the mistake in the past of suggesting that she should not take payment for looking after the DCs and then go out/do other things and then my dad gets involved and tells me off like I'm still 8 years old.

I realise what this sounds like. But I don't know how I can get any other childcare that (1) I can afford and (2) would do the required hours without taking some drastic steps like moving house (to get a spare room for an au pair) or having a major family falling-out. I am on my own and however weird my family, they are all the "support" I have available.

I wish I'd realised how dependent having children makes you - I could have left it later and saved up more of a childcare/running away fund first!

so if you changed to one of the two CM you mentioned, you would need someone would could pick them up at 6 and be at home with them till 7:30ish? It is a faff. This is all very hard on you. I hope you can find a solution. What did you do before the dc went to your mother when they used to go the CM? I presume that also finished at 6

If you like the idea of a student coming to your house and staying with the kids why not contact the local high school - see if there are any students there who are interested in the arrangement.
If that doesn't work out I would have a frank discussion with your mother about reducing the amount you pay her as she is not providing the level of service a CM would, esp the homework (which tbh I would expect to be done - surely she could sit them down to do while she has her second stream of income/clients, and they can ask for help in between these sessions?)
Either way you need to discuss this. Try for a dispassionate tone, and try not to be sidetracked into personal territory or guilt tripped.
Another option might be to do homework in the morning instead of the evenings. I would also talk to their father and let him know that homework needs to happen, and it is his responsibility.
Good Luck!

I cant believe your mum takes money [several hundred pounds a month] for looking after her dgc-I cant get past that-it is awful-she has retired and should do it for love.
I guess I see the point about the tutoring -your ds will be as resistant to her as he is to you and she wont want a fight.