AIBU to expect my mum to help?

[Peppin]

My mum is a teacher (retired). She makes a living these days doing private tutoring of kids who need extra help with school work and for 11+, 13+ exams. I work full time and the DCs go to my parents' house after school (which is the local primary school).

I've asked my mum to help DS with some homework while he is at her house, as he is not a self-starter by a long stretch. I get home at 7.30pm which is too late to start doing homework. It's only one day a week he needs to do this work, and my mum agreed to help as it is her area of expertise. That was 6 weeks ago and since then on every occasion it's been "the day", she has not done it with him and says it is his fault as he does not want to do it/it was too hot/he went out to play/etc. The whole point is that I need her help because he doesn't want to do it on his own.

Today I rang to see if she was doing it with him and she said no he's gone out to play and then accused me of "hounding" her about it and hung up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I should probably add that my mum has the DCs after school rather than them going to a CM because when they did go to a CM, she kept insisting that she wanted to do it, they'd be happier at her house, etc. They are indeed much happier at her house than at the CM. Also I pay her several hundred pounds per month to have them after school, so it's not the case that she'd rather not be looking after them or is doing me a favour by doing so. I cannot reduce my hours/get home earlier because I am a single parent needing to pay the bills and my job entails these hours. I cannot change job either.

AIBU to be pissed off that she isn't doing what she said she would?

There's a few different things going on here (by the way, you sound like a really ace mum, and I very much hope you go for increased weekend contact as Mathanxiety has suggested).

The boundary between granny, childcarer and tutor is completely blurred. My mum looks after my children two days a week after school til I get home (6-7pm), she doesn't charge because she took early retirement, it's her contribution to family life which she's happy to make,and she gets regular time with her only grandchildren. I completely understand she is doing this out of the goodness of her heart, and that I have no 'right' to this, so don't put any requirements on her so no homework, eat what they please, etc. I'm just grateful for the help!

But, your situation is a bit different, your mum is getting you to pay over the odds, and not even devoting her time to your children (as even a childminder with a couple of other kids would be paying attention to all of them, not focusing entirely on one other paying child). I can't believe she's getting double rates and think's it's a 7* service, and I would stop using her as a childminder for this reason alone, because fleecing your own child is a bit off especially as she convinced you not to use other childminders and you had no expectations that she would do this for you.

I agree with ImperialBlether's advice to get a live-out au pair or mother's help, or even pay a childminder. Also remember that with your oldest coming up for secondary, you only have a few more years of this.

My other suggestion is to do the homework in the morning before school, I know they are busy sometimes, but I find it easier to get it done then (say 20 min a day). Or our school also has a homework club which is at lunchtimes, not very nice to miss your playtime, but it is an option for those who haven't prioritised their homework.

I wouldn't move the care over the homework issue, I would move it because your mum sounds pretty manipulative, and I think it could be better to separate the childcare/grandparent role if that's the case.

I am sitting here like this OP at all your posts. Shocked in a good way, in awe of you in fact:

• single mum of two young children
• retrains as a lawyer
• hectic career
• still manages to be there for DC's
• very strange type of "support" from parents
• bastard XH
• who has a new wife
• with a baby on the way

Wow. Just wow. If life ever throws me crap like this, I hope I handle it with your grace and dignity.

Good luck with everything. I think mathanxiety and mumsy have some very good points.

Good post Mumsy

thanks Hearts, I think math and mumsy have good points as well. This thread has turned out to be a bit like free therapy for me but it is useful because I see that the real issue isn't whether or not my mum does the homework, it's the weird relationship we have with each other.

My godfather told me many years ago that I needed to "create a distance" between me and my mum. If only I'd understood then what he was telling me.

I am going to spend my weekend making a list of things to do to change this arrangement to one that I'm in charge of.

He was a wise man. Take his advice. Some people are vampires.

Peppin, you don't have to be in the perfect position to be able to win in court against an exH who has an overblown sense of entitlement and an antagonistic attitude towards you. It is very doubtful that he could get a lawyer to take on a case as unreasonable as his idea sounds but if he ever gets het up about it enough and finds someone unscrupulous enough to give him a run for his money you will find yourself answering him whether your are ready or not.

Try to get a reasonable assessment of the strength of your position and take heart.

I have been through a divorce from someone who sounds like your H and have ended up defending myself successfully against contempt of court motions brought by my (lawyer) exH. Judges can see through people like him.

are you already documenting everything that happens with Ex? Sounds like they are already thinking about fighting you for custody, I would have everything written down and conversation with him done through email for proof.

Can the kids stay at school and then have a mother's helper pick them up from aftercare?

I agree with Hearts. You are doing a great job. Your Mum sounds really selfish, as does your ex. I also tutor a couple of times a week and get an 18 year old to come and look after my dcs as I couldn't manage both at the same time like your dm is claiming to do She is fantastic with them. Will get dd to do her homework, will bake cakes with them etc. I really recommend it. Good luck!

Is your godfather still around? Would it be possible to talk to him?

An additional thought. I'm not sure about Health and Social Care but students on Early years/ Childcare courses are required to have crb's and work in nursery and Early year settings as a placement. They also have elements of first aid training. Also teaching assistants may be a good idea. I know many complain of low wages and may be glad of a couple of hours more a day. I know many are parents wanting to get home but I've met several young people in this role.
Good Luck.

Look at all the sixth forms/colleges in your area including any independants.

Phone up and ask for the 6th form (many schools will have a main reception then if asked will put you through to the 6th form office). Once you are speaking to someone in the 6th form explain that you are looking to advertise a job, what do you need to do please?

The ideal person will be the person who gets on well with your DCs. Doesnt matter if they are doing Health & Social Care or straight A levels in the 3 sciences! I would not be in the least surprised to find that the ideal person for you turns out to be a big sister/brother. Someone used to dealing with younger children on a regular basis.

Yes, that's what I found, Gnome, about the big sister thing. Some teenagers enjoy being with children and others don't.

The thing is you can't advertise really at this time of year as many students are on study leave. It's easier to ask the teacher to think of a few and then phone them or ask them when they're in for exams.

I really hope the OP can stop using her mum for childcare.

A teaching assistant would be great, too.

I presume your mother is declaring all this extra income she is getting from you ?

YANBU - but there's not a lot you can do about it. You can't force her to do the homework thing, so you'll probably just have to concede the point gracefully, assuming the kids are happy and don't want to go to a proper CM.

I would however be slightly worried about the legality of the arrangement, as I assume your mum is not a qualified childminder, and, as frumpet says, she may not be declaring the income. So if you're a lawyer, it could get sticky for you at some point.

Peppin - you mentioned that you had a sibling who didn't work and was supported by your parents. Does he/she live near you - would they help you out with childcare - might be better to pay them and you could set out the homework rules at the start.

You have to PAY her?! Why? She's your Mum? If I was your Mum I'd do anything for you that I possibly could for nothing. Isn't that how life is supposed to be?!

Your mum is being completely outrageous. Why do you worry about how she will react to changing your arrangement when a) she isn't doing anyway near as much as someone paid to do this would usually and b) she doesn't seem to go out of her way to help you in the slightest? I think that he then expects your gratitude for this crappiness is just the icing on the cake.

I think you sound like an amazing mum and an inspiration.

Am also cross that their stepmum tries to undermine you, how dare she?

Alsi, CMs are expected to do stuff that is enriching and complimentary to the curriculum. This would include stuff connected to eaater and christmas, the jubilee, other religions etx. Is your dmum doing this for your dc seeing as she is being paid as if she is?

The more I read of your posts the angrier I get on your behalf.

You have done so much singlehandedly; raising children, retraining,Demanding career, dealing with ex and new partner issues.

Your mum should be your cheerleader in all this and it doesn't sound like she is genuinely there for you.

Give yourself a break, it sounds like you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. What a great shame that your mum can't support you. Do you have friends who can boost you up? Try and take a boost from this post as well as making positive changes in your life. One step at a time.

is it legal to pay here? serious question, it was in the news about people that arent registered childminders being arrested for looking after children for friends and being paid

I did a little looking up. If all the children are over 7 (ie 8 and over) then there is no requirement to register with OFSTED. Interestingly the NCMA website specifically mentions homework supervision!

But if any of the children are under 8 then Peppin's DM should be registered as a childminder.

I think that Peppin's mum thinks that because she tutors that she isnt a childminder. I dont believe that distinction is made in the rules.

Quite simply Peppin's mum is a childminder (she is looking after children in her own home). She is charging Peppin as her DCs are taking a couple of places. However she is not treating Peppin's children fairly as she is favouring the other children.

Oh yes, all the income should be declared for tax. I would dob her in to HMRC but I'm hard like that about tax cheats!

I do think that if your DS is 10yo, he is quite old enough to understand that he needs to sit down and do his homework without fuss at your mum's.

Yes, there are probably other things he wants to do. But at 10yo, he is old enough to know there are priorities and homework is one of them. I will say that at 10yo, if my mum had told us to make sure we did our homework at our grandmother's house while we were there (without fuss), then we did it. Because god help us if we didn't. BIG trouble!

oooh, TA's would be a good call - I know several graduates who worked as TAs for a year before going to teacher training.

zipitydooda thank you. I am fortunate to have a couple of very supportive close friends who I moan to a LOT!

Gnomedeplume, you're right about the OFSTED registration requirements except that you don't have to register to look after family members, so muy mum is exempt. Naturally she doesn't declare the income to HMRC. I have pointed out to her on many occasions that having this £7,500 a year is like having around £11,000 of gross additional income. As well as £7,500 out of her single parent daughter's pocket. She just sees it as her dues, unfortunately.

I am genuinely hoping that when I move house in a year or so (at which point I will HAVE to find alternative childcare if I haven't before then), she will miss what she has had, i.e. daily contact with her GCs and a significant, steady stream of income (in contrast to my brother who lives at home and pays rent on an ad hoc basis at varying levels, but never equal to the commercial cost of renting his room + actual cost of food etc. consumed) and perhaps will think I was not so bad after all.

OP, I don't have time to read the full thread, but from what I've seen YANBU at all. Actually, as a parent paying for tuition, I wouldn't be happy with a situation in which the tutor was distracted by her grandchildren either (I am a tutor btw, and wouldn't dream of doing it without DD in the full care of her dad or another family member). She's not giving any of her clients what they're paying for.

I think you're getting a really raw deal, having to be the homework nag when other people could very easily support you with it.

And what about a sixth former / cm combo? The cm could do the pick-up and the student could collect them.AMD take them home when they're back from college.