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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

200 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:21

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

OP posts:
VictoriaWould · 22/05/2012 02:30

Who is more important, your DP or this 'friend' you haven't seen for years? How would you feel if the circumstances were reversed?

1950sHousewife · 22/05/2012 02:38

YABU.
If he was just a friend, fair enough meeting
If you'd slept with him before meeting your DH (no matter what the circumstances of the fling) - fair enough meeting.

But I would be deeply unhappy if my DH did this. And I can honestly rate myself as one of the least jealous people I could ever imagine.

Original poster
ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:39

Ah, Victoria, my DP is for sure more important. I just really want to see this friend. In reverse? My DP works with lots of bands, drunk people, and at lots of crazy gigs. He still comes home to me. Even after getting hit on by many, many ladies.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 22/05/2012 02:59

My OH had an old friend he'd had a fling with before I met him. Every time she visited it grated, but I kept being reasonable until I wanted to kill the bitch and my bastard OH. And I'm not a jealous person. I eventually told him that I was not, and never had been, comfortable with the situation. Your DP is telling now. If you really want to catch up, why not meet the friend with your DP.

DPrince · 22/05/2012 06:35

Tbh I don't think you should meet him. Your do may go to places and women hit on him. However he hasn't slept with them while you were on a break. I think its reasonable of your do up be bothered by this. If it were me I would take do or respect that he feels uncomfortable and not go at all.

DPrince · 22/05/2012 06:36

I meant I would take dp.

happystory · 22/05/2012 06:41

YABU. You know there will be a frisson between you when you meet and so does your dp. Yes sure, it would be lovely to catch up with an old friend but you are kind of rubbing your dp's face in it. Either take him along or don't go.

madmouse · 22/05/2012 06:45

Do you need to meet up with him separately? Can he not come into your house like a friend and share a meal or something so you don't exclude your dp?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 22/05/2012 07:28

I don't think so....saying that, my DH is very cool about my exes....he is very secure and has met one of them numerous times through work and they went out for a pint together! But I wouldn't go myself if DH wasn't happy about it.

HecateTrivia · 22/05/2012 07:29

I agree with madmouse. Invite him for dinner at your home.

With your family.

TartyMcFarty · 22/05/2012 07:32

YABU, and insensitive.

HecateTrivia · 22/05/2012 07:33

Oh, and ask yourself how you would feel if your husband wanted to go off alone to meet a woman that he had slept with while you guys were separated.

Because if you think about it - really think about it. Not 'I want to see this guy so I'm going to say it's ok' think about it - it's a bit different from someone down the pub trying it on and him saying no thanks.

It would be like someone down the pub trying it on who had slept with him during a hiccup in your relationship and him seeking them out to spend time with them.

hand on heart - not a flutter of anything from you?

RightBuggerforit · 22/05/2012 07:40

YABU. I definately wouldn't go, your dh doesn't like it and it's very understandable why not. It won't be worth causing problems in your relationship or upsetting your dh, will it?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/05/2012 07:52

I wouldn't do it.

It has been suggested that you see him with your dp. Would you still want to do it as much if your dp was going to be there? If so, great. Do that. If not, why not?

I think the fact that you refer to him as an old flame rather than an old friend who you once shared a little more with, is quite telling.

Chandon · 22/05/2012 07:59

if he is just a friend, invite him to your house to meet the rest of the family.

...but you probably really want to see if that old feeling is still there. sure you are not going to act on it, but still, if it really is just a friend get him over to your house.

higgle · 22/05/2012 08:02

You have told your DP about this and not kept it secret, I don't see why you should not go, but I think you need to reassure your DP by telling him where you will be meeting and keep it to just lunch - if you were, for example , travelling some distance and staying the night in a hotel that would be more reasonable for him to object. YANBU

McKayz · 22/05/2012 08:04

I wouldn't go or I would take my DH with me.

AmberNectarine · 22/05/2012 08:09

So what exactly is your DP's issue with this? Is he effectively saying he doesn't trust you around this guy? Because actually that would piss me off and make me more inclined to go...

AmberNectarine · 22/05/2012 08:10

Oh ok missed the separated part (tool), in that case YAabitU...

GetTheeToANunnery · 22/05/2012 08:12

Yabu

QuintessentialShadows · 22/05/2012 08:13

I see a few issues...

Why not make your own life more interesting so you dont have to rely on the interesting stories of other people?

The fact that you want to see him, considering you had a relationship with him while "on a break" from your husband, would have millions of alarmbells ringing for me, if I was your husband. If I had trusted you before, I would not after this...

You should have sense to realize that nothing good will come out of going down memory line with a close friend you decided to have a fling with.

WorriedBetty · 22/05/2012 08:19

FFS are you all really saying that she should limit her friends because of her DPs insecurity? He needs a bit of reassurance, sure, but who hasn't had the odd male friend that they have had flirtations and/or little flings with?

OP what counts is your feelings here, and if you are worried that you might fall for a friend (rather than just fancy him a bit and flirt) then its risky. If you are just good friends who are a bit attracted to each other, then don't sweat it!

If I look back to uni days, I don't think there was any of my male friends there hadn't been the odd 'moment' with, and these haven't stopped me being in control of where the line is!

Go! It wil be fun. Reassure DP! Grin

QueenEdith · 22/05/2012 08:19

I wouldn't, on the grounds that current relationship with DP would be more important to me than a catch up from the past.

If he were attempting a general ban on all people from the past, then I'd see it as a red flag for controlling behaviour. But when it is a sexual partner from a time when you were on a break, I think your DP is reasonable to not want you to see him alone and also to not want to meet him himself.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/05/2012 08:21

I think you should invite him home for dinner and see the family.

Fireandashes · 22/05/2012 08:30

I get that you like this guy and want to see him. I think you need to be absolutely 100% honest with yourself about your motives. Not suggesting for a moment that you're going to leap into bed with him but can you honestly, hand on heart, say that you're not hoping/expecting that there'll still be a frisson because he'll make you feel attractive and desirable, that you won't spend time beforehand thinking about what you're going to wear and making yourself look nice, that even though you have absolutely no intention whatsoever of rekindling the "old flame" and are doing a reasonable job of trying to convince yourself you're just old friends catching up, can you honestly say this hasn't got a bit more significance in your mind, or you're not a little bit more excited about it, than you would be about catching up with an old female school friend?

Your DP feels uncomfortable about this. He may have some trust issues or it may just be vague unease. Assuming he isn't the kind of guy who is regularly controlling or restrictive about who you do and don't see, then listen to his concerns. You might think that in an ideal world he would trust you implicitly and send you on your way with his blessing. Given that he can't do that, you need to think about what's most important. Is your ex more important than your DP? Is knowingly causing your DP pain so you can get your own way and have a flirty catch-up justified in your mind? If so, go ahead and see your old flame.