To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

[ShadowsCollideWithPeople]

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

I wouldn't want to take on that level of responsibilty for what was meant to be a partnership - that I had to be reasoning with him to stop him cheating! Tiring.

When someone trusts you you don't want to betray that trust. If someone doubts you it can make you doubt yourself.

I don't think the dp would be unreasonable for wanting to leave if she did go and meet him btw. But equally I don't think it needs to be said that this might be a deal breaker or that he might have feelings about it and I don't think it is a good sign that he did say it. Either she is untrustworthy or he doesn't trust her or both. Not a basis for a relationship is it. So, can't each person decide who they want to be friends with and see?

And it isn't about talking about feelings it is about having to reason with your partner.

So if your husband suddenly had a new "friend" at work that it was obvious he had a bit of a crush on, and they were spending more and more time alone together, you would just say nothing and wait to see how it played out?

And not at any point mention to him that maybe his "friendship" was not entirely appropriate?

Instead you'd just immediately get divorced?

Sure.

Are people really this black and white when it comes to the nuances of human relationships?

It's not as simple as someone being trustworthy or untrustworthy.

I'm trustworthy.

But I'm still fallible.

If DH saw me about to make a mistake that would jeopardise our marriage and our family, I hope to fuck he would talk to me about it and not just decide that I wasn't worth reasoning with and our relationship was over.

AThing that's exactly what I was about to say. How on earth do you build that all-important trust if you never communicate, never share feelings, never consider each other's points of view?

Offred if someone had posted on here "my DP is planning to meet one of their exes; they were friends for a long time then when DP and I were having difficulties and were on a break, they had a fling. I don't necessarily think they'll get up to anything but I feel really unhappy about this, should I say anything to them?" do you honestly think there would be no suggestions along the lines of "yes, speak to them, they may not know how you feel"? And would you honestly think any such suggestions would be completely unreasonable?

People can get caught up in their own thoughts, can get wrapped up in unintentional selfishness without thinking of the impact their actions might have on those around them. For all we know, in a similar situation with another protagonist, the DP's expression of their unhappiness at the proposed meeting might have been a wake-up call to their partner - not control, not restriction - they might just not have considered how it might look to and how it might make their DP feel. And they may decide not to go through with the meeting - not because they feel controlled, or restricted, or not trusted, but because they genuinely hadn't realised it might hurt their DP, and their DP's feelings are important to them and they don't want to cause them pain if that can be easily avoided.

I'd go and meet the friend anyway if it were me, because I wouldn't give anyone a right of veto over my behaviour. It's also worth remembering that when the OP had sex with her old pal, she was separated from her H and therefore entitled to have sex with anyone and everyone she felt like having sex with. So he's got no more reason to be whiny about this man than about any other XP of hers.

I didn't say I would get divorced. It would be unusual to never have a crush during a marriage. If he acted on it I would make a decision about it for myself. I would likely have feelings about it at the time. I would not demean myself and him by getting all "you can't speak to her". If he had developed feelings for someone else my choice would be to either work through it or not. I don't see what telling him not to see her would do.

If the cocks been in, you're committing a sin.

But he hasn't told her not to! :head-brick wall interface: He doesn't want her to but he hasn't "forbidden" her to or told her she "can't" see him.

Do you really not see the difference, the nuance?

I know this is meant to be a serious thread but please can Samuels post be quote of the week!!!

I also fail to see why what people on MN might say on a thread would change my feelings.

I have said I see the difference. It is a difference of degree only. It should not need to be said. If it is being said then things ain't right.

Unfortunately I can only base my views on my and my DH's experiences. As we're mere mortals who haven't yet achieved telepathy, we have to resort to the old-fashioned technique of "talking to each other".

Do you don't think that it goes without saying that you don't want your dp/h to cheat on you? Or that if they met up with someone they had sex with it might make you feel jealous? I can't see why you need to go through each one of your partner's friends and "approve" them.

Don't be silly, this is not about communication. You should not need or want to tell your partner not to disrespect you and your monogamous relationship. What would be the point of having a monogamous relationship of you did?

Offred, seems a bit of a shame that your views are so concrete. A discussion forum allows a variety of ideas but if you take away only what you came with, what is the point?

For example, I found your post about your husband's friend to be a good point and one which has changed my view slightly.

No, to me it's a wider issue about not flattering myself that I can second-guess every thing that might seem reasonable to me but might upset my DH and vice versa, because we're individuals with different upbringings, different frames of reference, different experiences. It's about not being so entrenched in my beliefs that I'm not prepared to listen to and consider his opinions and points of view, and to expect him to do the same.

No-one has put up an argument that had changed my mind is all. Why would I change my view for the sake of it?

I think it is a massive extrapolation of this thread to start saying that you shouldn't need to say you didn't want your partner to cheat or that they could be expected to realise you would be jealous in these circs to saying you always know how they feel and never talk.

If I had to talk about concepts which are so basic to the principles of a committed and monogamous relationship then I'd think the relationship pointless tbh. Pointless and exhausting.

The post about MN threads was in response to fire and ashes saying if someone started a thread from the other perspective then people would be up in arms.

What if simple jealousy was only a single facet of why her DP is unhappy though? I don't think trust is necessarily an issue, since the OP says they have a strong relationship.

Offred seems to me to be protesting too strongly and I cant put my finger on why from the posts, I feel Im just a step away from figuring what makes them feel so strongly about it.

To a large extent I agree about the control issues. However I would like to think that, in my relationship, which is pretty well balanced, no control issues etc, if I was about to do something that would really traumatise my DH and he told me that, even if I didnt think there was anything wrong or wasnt planning anything bad, I would stop and think again because the last thing I would want to do is hurt the person I love the most.

Humans are not rational at all times.

I dont believe that our feelings are our own to deal with at all times either. In a relationship it should be about love and mutual support (aha! Im getting to it now) and jealousy, to a small extent, is a natural human feeling. And I would want the person I love th help make me secure if I needed that, if I was in a well balanced relationship, and if I truly want to give and take in it, and I would be prepared to do the same back.

For me this is not about cheating or about jealousy. Its about one partner feeling extremely uncomfortable about something the other is about to do, having the courage to put it out there (which some posters wouldnt do - it feels almost like an attempt to sabotage their relationship by being passive agressive!) and expecting to have that taken into account.

It isn't that at all! It is that i don't feel that when I am in a relationship I lose control over the relationships I choose to have.

What it is is that I've been in relationships with people who have cheated and lied many times. I'm not protesting. I have a strong opinion about it because I have a lot of experience of it. From both sides, trusting and not trusting relationships and also trusting someone who I was aware was consistently unfaithful. The basis of a monogamous relationship is monogamy and therefore I think it stands to reason that cheating is not acceptable to your partner and that the suggestion they had been with someone else might make them jealous. My current relationship is revelatory to me. I've never been trusted or trusted like it and I would not return back even a little down that path of "reasoning" if you offered me anything in the world, so that is why my opinion is strong. It isn't about communication but that some things shouldn't need to be repeatedly reconfirmed.

I didn't say they would be "up in arms", I said there would probably be some suggestions for the 'uneasy' party to discuss their concerns with their partner and that those suggestions wouldn't be unreasonable.

Just to back-track slightly and pick up on this point: "Do [presume you mean 'so'] you don't think that it goes without saying ... that if they met up with someone they had sex with it might make you feel jealous?" - this thread is proof that it doesn't go without saying. Some people wouldn't feel jealous. Others would. You might feel it doesn't matter either way because those who do feel jealous shouldn't express it anyway, for fear of exerting some kind of control or modification over their partner's behaviour. I'd rather know one way or the other, because I don't like hurting my DH if I can help it, and I'm not (or try not to be) a thoughtless, heedless, selfish person who doesn't consider the impact of my words and deeds on the people I love. As it happens he's not a jealous person so, for example, we have conversations about our "celebrity crush lists". If he were a jealous person I'd save those conversations for my girlfriends, because why hurt him unnecessarily?

Anyway, fascinating though this discussion has been - and I've enjoyed the intellectual debate, so thanks - I'm a bit suspicious about threads where the OP tosses out something potentially inflammatory and is then never seem again, so I'm calling it a night.

You having a friend shouldn't traumatise your partner either. It would be the cheating that might. If the dp means "I don't want you to cheat" then I think it comes back to the trust issue.

If the issue is not jealousy then it is even more irrelevant as a prrson's friendship might be able to be vetoed if that relationship affected the person concerned but surely not if it didn't.

seen again. Sigh.