To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

[ShadowsCollideWithPeople]

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

The title says "he does not want me to go"

I translated this as "Tomeet with an old fling to see if there is still life in the old dog" and I'd bet most DP's would too.

I think "DP does not want me to" is the Nuff said thing here.

Even if it did lead to copious shagging! I mean come on do people really think the problem there would be that the partner didn't stop her going to meet him?!

If someone's going to cheat they will cheat. If you don't trust them it doesn't bode well for your relationship.

"Doesn't want me to go" isn't the same as "is insisting I don't go".

Compare and contrast, for example:

A: "I'm really uncomfortable about you going to meet X. I'd feel much happier if you weren't going."

B: "There's no way you're going to meet X. I'm not having it."

There is no difference to me in those statements other than degree.

It's more about the fact that sometimes I feel people overestimate themselves. If an old flame with whom you had great sex, sees you alone and you have a drink etc, maybe feel flattered, maybe there's a frisson etc well, I'm not saying you would cheat, but we are not robots without feelings or responses.

Mainly though, it's about respect. I would not go and meet an ex shag alone if my DH did not feel comfortable about it. Neither would I enjoy the feeling he was spending the evening/lunch/day/whatever with someone he shagged during a break from our relationship.

I just don't think it's appropriate or kind and I think the OP's eagerness to meet this friend and ex fling says a lot.

Mainly though, it's about respect

That's it. To do this signals lack of consideration.

What I think needs separating is the idea that this is setting up of an affair from the dp "not wanting" her to go. They are separate issues completely. I would advise not to meet someone for a dangerous kind of affair setting up meeting and to be honest instead and either end or fix the current relationship.

I still think a relationship is fairly dead in the water when one partner is jealous and doesn't want the other to do things. Also that whether the dp wants his partner to go anywhere or do anything is irrelevant. This op is not asking "AIBU to want to meet up with and old fling to see if the feelings are still there as my current relationship isn't going well" is it?

I don't really know what to say to that Offred.

Really I think it is utterly pathetic to place your happiness sonics on what your partner does or doesn't do. Feelings of jealousy happen to all people but resorting to emotional blackmail to modify behaviour and being so needy I don't think are very desirable traits.

Offred, it's not really about the likelihood or otherwise of shagging occurring during the reunion. It's the fact that the OP is prepared to put her feelings and those of her 'old fling' above the feelings and unease of her DP.

The OP doesn't suggest anywhere that her DP is a generally jealous man who suspects her of infidelity left right and centre or that he doesn't like her having other male friends, it appears he has a specific (and justifiable, IMO, given the previous intimacy between them and its timing) issue with this one guy. As it stands, the OP is basically saying "stuff you, seeing my ex is more important to me than your feelings" - probably having the effect of confirming to the DP that he's right to have these concerns in the first place!

Where are you OP? Have you decided what you're going to do?

And at "overestimating"

I don't need or want my partner to behave like my parent thank you.

In these circumstances he is not being unreasonable.

I mentally reversed it - a poster saying her husband was going to meet the woman he took up with while they were having prbolems and refused to not go despite the poster being upset and asking him not to - and I think the unanimous advice would be leave the bastard, you deserve someone who treats you better than this.

Think the feeling may well be justifiable fireandashes. Just dont think the behaviour of letting her know he does not want her to go is.

My friendships and other previous sexual relationships are my domain as an individual. My husband does not get to tell me, and fortunately does not want to either, how I can socialise. If I were to cheat or behave inappropriately in some way then he would make his choices about that and then we'd make choices together about our own relationship together. Although monogamous relationships are built on exclusivity they do not confer the right to control each other's individual relationships.

And I don't see what gender has to do with it either. If her meeting up with an ex fling is a deal breaker that is his choice. In that case it is a demonstration either of a lack of security and trust within the relationship or of a partner that wants to control.

rhonda jean has it in a nutshell, as does FireandAshes.

So do you all think then that because I feel a bit jealous of my DH's female friend I would be perfectly reasonable to say that i would prefer he never meet her and never speak to her? Even though they have been friends since childhood (he loved her for about 15 years and right up until he met me) and we have children of similar ages? My jealousy is my problem in that I feel, not his or hers.

The jealousy is the feeling, the trust is knowing you don't need or want to tell your partner you don't want them to do something.

"If someone's going to cheat they will cheat."

What does that even mean?

Do you think someone wakes up one morning determined to cheat and just fucks the first willing person they come across?

In the real world plenty of people end up being unfaithful because a situation arises that tempts them and they give into that temptation, often against their better judgment.

In many cases getting to that situation involves ignoring obvious signs of threat to the primary relationship by insisting that someone is "just a friend" and ignoring questions/complaints/entreaties from a partner who feels something is awry.

It's all very well to say that you will deal with infidelity once it has happened, but the problem with that is that the loss of trust it brings about can shatter a relationship beyond repair, even where both parties want to reconcile.

Far smarter to be more protective of the most important relationship you have. Sometimes that means listening to your partner when they tell you that they perceive someone or something to be a threat.

Unless you are dealing with someone who is a jealous person, it is pretty foolish to ignore their feelings. Particularly when your own are unlikely to be entirely objective.

No it means you have no control over your partner's protection of your relationship, only over your own. If they are not going to you cannot make them. So if someone is checking out of their relationship and setting up an affair telling them you don't want them to go somewhere and meet someone will not make any difference.

I've been cheated on a lot. It was not within my control. It was my partners' choices not mine and about their commitment to the relationship not mine.

Of course it's not within your control whether they cheat.

But it is within your control to notice behaviour that might lead to cheating and to see if you can reason with them before they do something they can't take back.

I'm not into that I'm afraid. Don't think it is a partner's place to "reason with" each other. I wouldn't want a relationship like that. Either they can reason with themselves or not. If not I'll make my choice.

I'm with Offred if I start having to intercept my partner and reason with them about not deciding to cheat on me, things are already really screwed up, the actual act of cheating would by then be pretty irrelevant.

You shouldn't ignore your partners feelings, but nor should you throw away friendships because of their insecurity.

You wouldn't want a relationship where people talk to one another about things that bother them and take each other's feelings seriously?

Um, OK.

I guess if you marry someone you know is in love with someone else you have to set up certain barriers.