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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

200 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:21

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 22/05/2012 08:32

I wouldn't invite him to dinner, if DP doesn't even want you meeting him, then he's unlikely to want to meet him! DP is BVU in asking you not to meet your old friend, help him through it if it's just him being insecure, but go meet your friend.

LoveHandles88 · 22/05/2012 09:13

Completely agree with Hecate.
I have no issue with people hitting on my dh, but if he wanted to go and meet up with someone that he'd slept with whilst we were going through a rough patch, I would not be happy at all. I'm not a jealous person, I quite like it when other women chat up my man, coz he's mine.
As others have said, why don't you take your DP with you? If it is purely platonic like you are making out, it won't be a problem. Plus, your husband may feel more at ease about the guy being any part of your life in the future.

LoveHandles88 · 22/05/2012 09:13

That sounded a bit possessional! I just meant that he comes home to me!

sausagesandmarmelade · 22/05/2012 09:27

But you had a fling with him...so there was something between you both. This makes your DP feel insecure.

I met up with an old friend (male) over the weekend...hadn't seen him for many years and it was great to catch up. The difference is, we were only ever really good friends...there was never anything else between us....and DH trusts me implicitly. Next time though we will all get together...it's only right that my DH should be introduced and get to know this old friend as well.

Perhaps you should meet this guy with your DP

Gdansk · 22/05/2012 09:29

I'm not the jealous type at all. DH has lots of female friends and I am happy for them to go out for dinner, drinks etc alone. However, I wouldn't be happy about this particular scenario. I think you have to respect your DP's feelings on this. Surely you'd expect the same from him?

Flicktheswitch · 22/05/2012 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aboutlastnight · 22/05/2012 09:32

I think you are being a silly TBH

Of course your DP won't like it. But if you like the drama then go ahead.

TallTreesJo · 22/05/2012 09:32

What Flicktheswitchsaid

ENormaSnob · 22/05/2012 09:32

Yabu

The bloke is not just a pal is he?

It's someone you shagged whilst you and your dh were on a break.

Nancy66 · 22/05/2012 09:43

Don't meet him. It's a horrible and disrespectful thing to do to your partner.

iscream · 22/05/2012 09:47

I wouldn't meet him.

waltermittymissus · 22/05/2012 09:49

It's not like your dh is being controlling is it? It would be different if he just decided he didn't want you doing this, or tried to control who your friends are. But you slept with this man while there was a big problem in your relationship! Of course your dh is unhappy about it.

I think you need to grow up a little tbh!

squeakytoy · 22/05/2012 09:52

Is he an old friend who you had a fling with (after the friendship), or a an old fling who you remained friends with?

If the former, then I would stress to your husband that you have had two opportunities to run off into the sunset with this bloke, and you have not done so, and have no wish to do so.

If you are 100% sure that no line will be crossed, then YANBU to want to see him, but I also suppose it depends on if it is a coffee in the afternoon, or an alcohol fuelled evening where drink makes you lose your common sense and take risks.

lou2321 · 22/05/2012 09:59

YABU, I would be hurt if DH felt the need to meet up with someone he had a fling with whilst we were separated and I wouldn't expect him to be ok with it the other way round.

I totally agree with QueenEdith as in the general ban but not a sexual partner from when you were on a break.

AThingInYourLife · 22/05/2012 10:00

If your DP is not generally a jealous person and doesn't have problems with most of your male friends, but has a bad feeling about your relationship with this guy, then I think you owe it to take him seriously when he has concerns.

TBH, even from what you've written here I get a pretty strong sense that your reasons for wanting to meet up with this man are not entirely innocent.

squeakytoy · 22/05/2012 10:01

I would say it also depends on the details of the fling. If it was a quick few shags while you were on a two week "break" from your husband, then he would have a point too...

Greenshadow · 22/05/2012 10:10

Against the flow, but I would meet him.

Can't argue against what most people have already said upthread, but if he was that good a friend, I would still want to see him and catch up. Maybe I wouldn't be popular, but why should you have to lose a good friend because of this.

Out of interest, is he in a stable relationship now? As I think that might make a bit of difference.

bringbacksideburns · 22/05/2012 10:13

YABU if your dh isn't happy about it.

If it was the other way round and your dh was wanting to meet an old flame he's shagged whilst seperated from you would you be fine about it too? Wouldn't you be worried there might still be a spark there? Five years isn't that long ago.

If your Dh was fine about it then of course it wouldn't be an issue but he isn't so it is.

babybarrister · 22/05/2012 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McHappyPants2012 · 22/05/2012 10:18

Yanbu your dp should trust you

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 22/05/2012 10:55

I'm not sure if Yabu or not, I am still good friends with my ex fiance he lives abroad and when he comes over every so often for work we meet up for a meal and catch up, we also text every so often (once every couple of months) and my DP is ok with this, he doesn't really understand why we are still friends as he isn't on friendly terms with any of his ex's but his approach to it is that I split with A and if I wanted to be with him wouldn't have left and now I'm with him and he knows he can trust me Grin that said he doesn't want to meet A and would not be happy if I suggested having A in our home for dinner.

If my DP really couldn't acccept it then I would put him first and not meet up with A so I don't think you abu to mention the idea of meeting up with your DH but I do think ywbu to do it if DH asks you not too.

teaaddict2012 · 22/05/2012 11:10

You're going to make yourself look really bad. I wouldn't plus its insensitive.

HermioneE · 22/05/2012 11:23

I don't think YABU, but I personally wouldn't go.

On the one hand you are entitled to go... but on the other your DP is entitled to feel the way he does (and sounds like he's being quite reasonable about it).

So for me, I would want to respect my DP's feelings rather than mine/the friend's.

lalaland3008 · 22/05/2012 11:37

Is this another reverse aibu? I think yabu sorry but I don't buy into all the 'you should trust your partner', yes of course you should but in reality we are all human and I would bet that there isn't a single one of us that hasn't felt a bit of jealousy or insecurity at some point. The fact that you had a fling with this guy while on a break from your relationship is enough for me to say you shouldn't meet him.

inabeautifulplace · 22/05/2012 12:59

YABslightlyU, not everyone would be jealous in this situation but your DP is and your first concern should be with him. It's clearly more complicated than a simple coffee with an ex.