Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

200 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:21

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 22/05/2012 13:02

Yabu, I don't think I'd be very happy about it if I was your dp.

HappyHubbie · 22/05/2012 13:20

A pre-DH ex is one thing, this is an ex-fling who, for all your DH knows, may have designs on being your next fling. Does he? Do you?

Marriage is a compromise, this is one of the ones you have to make for the sake of your marriage.

YABU.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 13:28

I can't imagine why anyone would abandon or alter the type/terms/status of a good friendship owing to the insecurity of the man they live with. My DH could "not want" me to meet with this friend as much as he liked but I'd meet the man regardless.

It always strikes me that when this kind of issue comes up on MN some (not all, but some) posters prohect their own insecurities onto the situation and react as they would if their partners were going to meet the old flame who is now a friend.

RetroMom · 22/05/2012 13:31

OP, there's a woman who your DP had a fling with during a brief break in your relationship, who has made contact again and would like to meet him for a drink, just as friends. Should he go?

Fireandashes · 22/05/2012 13:45

I can only speak for myself Wen but in this circumstance, if this sort of concern/unease was out of character for my DP (so not generally controlling/restrictive) and was based on something tangible - a previous sexual relationship - rather than a vague distrust or dislike of this guy, then I would choose to demonstrate that my DP - the person I profess to love more than anyone else - is more important to me than an old flame, and that while it would be nice to "have my cake and eat it", a point of principle is not worth hurting my DP over.

Mrsmuppethead · 22/05/2012 13:50

Totally agree Fireandashes, well said.

squoosh · 22/05/2012 13:53

YABU.

Most def.

Psammead · 22/05/2012 13:57

Out of respect to my partner's feelings, I would not go. I would expect the same kind of respect from him.

Those who are saying he has no right to dictate who you can or cannot be friends with are correct, but who has what rights are not the be all and end all of a relationship. Sometimes you have to allow for feelings, too.

AThingInYourLife · 22/05/2012 14:02

Psammead:

"who has what rights are not the be all and end all of a relationship. Sometimes you have to allow for feelings, too."

Well said. :)

I find the use of legalistic language and concepts applied to relationships quite bizarre at times.

ENormaSnob · 22/05/2012 14:06

Huge difference between a good, platonic friend and someone you shagged whilst on a break with your dh.

hopenglory · 22/05/2012 14:07

Your OH is not stopping you from going, but he doesn't want you to go.

Either go together or not at all, otherwise the message that your DH will be getting, whether you mean it or not is that you value another man above him.

If he was telling you that you were not allowed to go then it would be a completely different response

Fireandashes · 22/05/2012 14:10

Agree Psammead. With rights come responsibilities, and I would consider it my responsibility not to hurt my DP needlessly. It's not as if my life would end if I didn't meet up with one ex-shag old friend.

JustFab · 22/05/2012 14:13

YABU and unkind to your husband. No one should tell someone else what to do but this is different as you have shagged this man and that changes everything.

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 14:28

YABU. If you go, you will be making a statement that your friendship with ex shag comes before feelings of DP.

Offred · 22/05/2012 14:43

Hmm. I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU.

I mean on what planet does a partner get to decide who their partner is friends with? So what there had been sex a long time ago? The nature of the friendship is the OP's choice not her partner's. If she is going to cheat with him or leave her partner for him that would also be her choice and is not her partner's choice. You can't have an attitude towards individual autonomy in a relationships that says "you can choose what you do but only if it is what I like".

This kind of jealousy and controlling behaviour is a good way to push someone away.

FredFredGeorge · 22/05/2012 14:43

YouOldSlag No you don't make that statement, the statement you make is that your friendship comes before the irrational feelings of your DP, why should you pander to irrationality?

WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 14:47

That's what I was meaning/trying to say Fred. i'm afraid my DH would just have to grow up and get over it, if I wanted to shag someone else I would do, I wouldn't need to wait for a lunch/dinner date with an old flame and good friend of many years to do it.

squoosh · 22/05/2012 14:47

Why are his feelings irrational? She had a fling with him, she's dying to see him, who wouldn't be 'a wee bit jealous'?

Mrsmuppethead · 22/05/2012 15:05

YABU. Because I am not a robot and have ocassional irrational emotions and fears, I would hope that my life partner would respect my feelings rather than expecting me to 'grow up'. That's not a partnership..it's about love and give and take, even if you don't always get your own way. What sort of way is that to have a relationship? Sort out your problems with your DP first..if you are so deperate for attention from an ex shag, ' I want to have a chin wag with a 'good' friend I haven't seen for 5 years'!!!! 5 years!!! Grow up and stop pussyfooting around, you want the excitement of someone fancying you, and those who are bossy enough to expect their partners to 'grow up' and get over it, are welcome to their very special relationships!

inabeautifulplace · 22/05/2012 15:09

Maybe it's not in itself a trust issue, more that renewing the friendship brings back bad memories, rakes up regret etc. Irrational or not, feelings are always valid,and those of my partner are my highest priority. That means equal to and sometimes above my own. Isn't that a key part of a loving relationship?

FredFredGeorge · 22/05/2012 15:28

The response to irrational fears is not to pander to them and change the behaviour, it's to reassure them about the situation so they understand the irrationality. As Wen said it's a lot easier to get a quiet shag than off someone you gave up having any interest in years before and you told your DP that you were going to meet, so the fear is completely irrational. The fear of every time your DP went out to visit someone they hadn't had a failed relationship with is more rational, and no-one would support the idea that you should control that.

The attitude to DP when they express worry shouldn't be "Grow up.", but neither it should it be "okay, I'll do what you say", re-assure the partner, explain why the friendship is worthwhile, and why there's no attraction, and why you want to be with the DP.

I don't get why meeting an old friend / partner is likely to generate the excitement of someone fancying you - surely that's more likely to come from strangers/new acquaintenance than someone who you know it doesn't work out with. Perhaps if you've so let yourself go only someone with the memory of how you once were could fancy you?

Akermanis · 22/05/2012 15:34

If your DP comes on here later and tells this story from his point of view I'll be recommending - Leave her, she cares nought for you my friend...

Pendeen · 22/05/2012 15:39

"... I think you should invite him home for dinner and see the family. .."

A joke (not funny)?

Yes?

squoosh · 22/05/2012 15:39

She will be alone and drinking alcohol with someone she's very excited to see, someone she used to have sex with whilst broken up from her partner.

She may not fancy him a jot anymore but it's not irrational of her partner to not want her to go.

He's a man, not a cyborg.

AThingInYourLife · 22/05/2012 15:51

"The response to irrational fears is not to pander to them and change the behaviour, it's to reassure them about the situation so they understand the irrationality."

Yeah, maybe if you're married to a 4 year old.

As squoosh has pointed out, maybe his feelings are not irrational.

Certainly it is extremely disrespectful and patronising to tell another adult that their feelings are irrational and can be reassured away.

I would listen to DH if he ever expressed doubts like these, not to pander to him (since I both respect and love him) but because

1 he is not usually remotely possessive or jealous

2 I am not above reproach - if he felt that the way I conducted myself around another man was a threat to our relationship, I would listen because he might be right

All this bollocks about there being easier chances to fuck around elsewhere ignore the fact that most humans aren't attracted to everyone they meet.

Temptation is not general, it's specific.

Some people think it's wise to avoid obvious temptation to betray a much-beloved spouse.