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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

200 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:21

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

OP posts:
WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 15:53

squoosh if my DH had that low an opinion of me that he didn't want me to meet up with someone on the grounds that I shagged the guy in the past and that I would be "alone and drinking alcohol" with (and yes, excited to see, who isn't excited to see an old friend?) I wouldn't be reconsidering my plans, I'd be reconsidering my marriage.

Greenshadow · 22/05/2012 15:59

Where on earth has the 'drinking alcohol' come from?
Assumptions again.

Psammead · 22/05/2012 16:01

If I had such a low opinion of my husband that I would dismiss his feelings entirely and do what I liked because he had communicated his emotions to me and thet didn't fit with my plans, I suspect he might have a moment about our marriage, too.

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 16:03

"The response to irrational fears is not to pander to them and change the behaviour, it's to reassure them about the situation so they understand the irrationality."

If my DH labelled my feelings irrational and disregarded them before going out to see his "we were on a break" shag, I think I would be reconsidering my marriage!

squoosh · 22/05/2012 16:04

Because when most people are meeting up with a friend they haven't seen in five years they meet up for an alcoholic beverage.

Hmm
JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/05/2012 16:04

Oooh touche. I agree with you Psammead

WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 16:05

I just spotted that assumption too, GreenShadow. Along with the "very excited", which is something else the OP didn't say.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 16:06

Insecurity, Psammead, there's a lot of it about.

squoosh · 22/05/2012 16:07

And why are you assuming her husband has a 'low opinion' of her? From what she's said he's a 'wee bit jealous' and would prefer she didn't go.

I don't recall the part where she says her Victorian husband has forbidden her outright from going. It hardly sounds like he's exhibited fist thumping behaviour.

squoosh · 22/05/2012 16:07

'would love to ctach up with him'. Does that not sound excited?

Sheesh.

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 16:11

Yes but the OP did like this friend enough to shag him more than once ( after all OP says it was a fling and not a one night stand) and says "I really want to see him"

I think if my DH said words along the lines of "remember that woman I shagged when we broke up? Well she's in town and wants to meet up and I really want to see her" Then I would not love the idea and vice versa.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 16:15

Squoosh, I "would love to meet up with" WorraLiberty. And Stratters. And Pinot.

I have no desire whatsoever to shag any one of them. You really can't justify the DH's desire for the OP (who may be TT for all we know) not to meet up with someone who despite all that has gone past, is still a good friend on the basis of your interpretation of her use of the words "would love to meet".

squoosh · 22/05/2012 16:17

Do you have a shagging history with Worra and Stratters?

Let's just disagree on this one Wen

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 16:19

But Wen, we're not talking about people in general, we're talking about someone the Op wanted enough to have sex with (presumably more than once) and now "really wants" to see again. Without the sex, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

The OP's DP hasn't said she can't meet ANYBODY. He is unhappy about her wanting to meet the guy she had a fling with during a break from him.

gobbledegook1 · 22/05/2012 16:25

YABU! Why would you want to do something that you know would upset your DP and thus result in friction in your relationship. I wouldn't.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 22/05/2012 16:29

Yes, I think we will have to agree to disagree, Squoosh.

YOS, I appreciate that there was a difference in the nature of the relationship between the OP and her friend once, and the nature of any involvement I might have with one of the 3 women I mentioned above but that's the point. There was. There isn't now, no more than there is between Pinot and I. So, either the DP is being irrational or he's of the opinion that the OP might shag this guy which, AFAIAC and in the absence of any indication from the OP to the contrary, is an insult to her and shows that her DP has a low opinion of her.

Anyhow, I hope that the OP returns to tell us what she thinks so far, whether she has any desire to shag matey-boy and if she's a teetotaller or if she's going to go out on the sauce with him. I've work to do and you lot are distracting me! :)

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 16:38

Wen, if you USED to shag the women named above and no longer do now, then yes, that is a valid metaphor.

However, I think there will always be two schools of thought on this one.

There will be the couples like me and DH who would be really pissed off if one of us went out alone with an ex, despite trusting each other (but being insecure needy misfits who suit each other), or the couples who don't get jealous at all and think it's fine to mingle alone with exes on the grounds that it's unlikely shagging will take place.

Both types of relationships can work, mine works for me, hope yours works for you. Smile

Personally, I think humans are creatures of instinct and not robots and one glance at the relationships board will tell you again and again, that it was a shock when it (infidelity, sexting, snogging) happened.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/05/2012 16:38

I don't think the DH is being entirely irrational. I don't suppose he expected his wife to shag her old friend the first time it happened, on the basis of them being old friends, but she did. It's entirely rational that that should be on his mind

AThingInYourLife · 22/05/2012 16:39

"There was. There isn't now"

Yeah, because people are always so honest with themselves when they're arranging to meet up with someone they'd quite like to fuck.

Plenty of relationships come a cropper on the "we're just good friends, there's nothing to worry about, you're being irrational" rocks, when it turns out that they weren't just good friends, there was something to worry about, and their partner was entirely rational when they felt there was something up.

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 16:40

I totally agree with Jamie and AThing.

manicbmc · 22/05/2012 17:04

What YouOldSlag said. Plus, when you get a mix of that (one who isn't jealous and one who is), then I think you really need to show a bit of respect and consideration.

Being with one person, whether you're married or not, is very often about compromise and taking that person's feelings into consideration. It should work both ways. But when it doesn't that's often when things go wrong.

So, OP, I think you're being unreasonable. Your dp has said why this doesn't sit well with him.

inabeautifulplace · 22/05/2012 18:36

"So, either the DP is being irrational or he's of the opinion that the OP might shag this guy which, AFAIAC and in the absence of any indication from the OP to the contrary, is an insult to her and shows that her DP has a low opinion of her."

Or, as I pointed out earlier, a meeting between his partner and this guy is likely to open the box of unhappy memories he's got locked away. I wouldn't call that irrational or rational, it's an emotional response.

Noqontrol · 22/05/2012 18:44

I met up with one of my exes a while back. He came to the house and met Dh too. Dh pottered around the house whilst I had a catch up with ex. All very civilised. I wouldn't have wanted to meet up with ex outside the house with Dh not being happy with that. It would feel a bit sneaky and wrong somehow (to me).

Offred · 22/05/2012 19:04

I don't think the jealousy feeling is necessarily either rational or irrational. What I think is not ok is in a supposedly trusting relationship telling your partner "not to go" because you are jealous.

Someone I had a fling with 10 years ago teaches my son guitar, i've been out on a night out alone with DH's best mate (DH and others went home) who had a crush on me at the time. He has a best female friend that he was in love with for many years. These things all make each of us feel jealous but it doesn't mean we don't trust each other or behave in a controlling way. The guitar teacher teaches my son because he's the right teacher etc. I don't think you should let jealousy rule your relationship.

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 20:30

Offred, the OP's partner has not told her not to go. She says he is just a "wee bit jealous" of THIS friend.

Remember that being good friends with this man did not stop her from having sex with him during a break from her DP.

A red flag for me would be how much justification OP puts in her opening post about how much she wants to see him. I just think she is VERY keen to see her ex shag and that years of friendship still led to sex. Not saying it will again, but it did before.

Personally, I wouldn't like it, but that's just me. Lots of couples work differently.

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