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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

200 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:21

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 22/05/2012 23:16

But what if you had a partner who was wonderful like you say except that they had different emotional needs from yours? Not to the level that they were wrong or controlling - but to the level that you might need to make some consideration for their needs and feelings and a slight modification to one thing you wanted to do that would hurt them terribly?

Isnt compromise part of all good relationships?

I realise there are ways of using this to abuse and control, but I think that its easy perhaps to lose sight of the fact that at times, its genuinely about one issue which would hurt someone else and I dont get why you would want to do it if it mattered to so much to the feelings of the person you love.

Offred · 22/05/2012 23:16

No, those who feel jealous should talk about how they feel jealous not say they don't want their partner to do something.

rhondajean · 22/05/2012 23:17

It still seems passive agressive - you do what you want and Ill do what I want - and if you dont like what I do, then thats YOUR problem as long as I am not physically screwing someone else.

Im still working through this mentally bear with me!

rhondajean · 22/05/2012 23:18

And what if you talk it through - there is no logical reason for it - its an emotional feeling you have which you cannot change because its part of what makes you you - its a need you have - and your partner will not meet it?

Offred · 22/05/2012 23:19

I don't think it is ever reasonable for one partner to be so needy they dictate the other's friendships. I don't think that is healthy at all, either because the relationship is broken through cheating or because the needy one is well, too needy.

Offred · 22/05/2012 23:22

But the reasonable feeling is the jealousy and you can talk through those feelings and come to the conclusion that you shouldn't go. What I think is controlling is not doing that open discussion and instead announcing that you don't want them to go.

Depending on the state of the relationship it may also be reasonable for the discussion to occur and the op to go and dp leave. It depends on the feelings.

Offred · 22/05/2012 23:24

I don't think it is healthy to need to control your OH's relationships though. I would give up on a relationship that made me feel like that or where the other person felt like that.

Fireandashes · 22/05/2012 23:24

Sorry - I am going, but just wanted to add:

It's not "controlling" or "dictating" if the person with the friend willingly and happily chose not to meet their friend because they genuinely didn't want to hurt their partner and were happy to make the sort of compromise rhondajean refers to - and that's where I'm coming from.

It would be "controlling" or "dictating" if the person with the friend didn't meet their friend but felt resentment at their partner for making them choose - and I suspect that's where Offred is coming from.

Offred · 22/05/2012 23:28

Yes, I'm reading that the OP's dp does not reckon she should go and does not want her to go. It should be her decision. I'd resent the imposition and want to decide myself about how to conduct my own relationships.

Fireandashes · 22/05/2012 23:40

"It should be her decision"...of course it should, but as no-one operates in a vaccuum and our actions affect others, in an ideal world she would at least consider her OP's feelings and how the knowledge that meeting her ex will hurt him will make her feel, balanced against her desire to see her friend.

Right, gone this time! G'night all...

Offred · 22/05/2012 23:42

The problem I have is that when he says "I don't think you should go" "I don't want you to go" it pretty much shuts down the ability to communicate and consider each other's feelings.

Buckingfiatch · 22/05/2012 23:46

The OP doesn't even state how long they was on a break for. It would depend on that for me. If it was one week I had been on a break away from my partner, I would be devastated if he saw fit to go sleeping with someone else so quickly considering he was meant to want and love ME. Same if it had been 2 weeks.

I agree with rhonda and Fireandashes

Buckingfiatch · 22/05/2012 23:50

Oh, and I most certainly wouldn't be happy about him then meeting with her years later when he so easily jumped into bed with her the first time. Once you go there with a friend who you have been friends with for so long, there tends to be underlying feelings in either one or both of them. Going back to just being friends is mostly very hard. It brings back all those feelings. And this is coming from one who was in that situation (albeit, not when on a break from DP)

Whatmeworry · 23/05/2012 00:05

Offred what does your DP think?

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 07:21

Firstly, OP's DP is not dictating her friendships.

I don't think her DP is being too needy, he is a "wee bit jealous" of the man she was friends with for years and shagged when she had the opportunity (i.e they were on a break)

I think the OP is being a bit insensitive being so keen to meet the man she used to shag with whom she has a long history.

Jealousy is a human instinct when we feel threatened. People are not wrong to feel it.

The DP's feelings count too. You cannot just say is needy or controlling. he is in the relationship so he deserves to be listened to when he is troubled.

rhondajean · 23/05/2012 08:45

Offered I think I got it overnight!

You can't see the wood for the trees. You are projecting control issues onto what is basically a reasonable request. It's not dictating relationships - its one partner saying to another that they feel uncomfortable with something and would like them not to do it.

Having a relationship is to some extent about being needy - about needing to have your feelings, emotions and needs considered by another person and the other person not behaving selfishly. And vice versa.

I don't think you have found the balance in a relationship you think you have yet but I'm really glad you are happy.

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 09:06

The problem I have is that when he says "I don't think you should go" "I don't want you to go" it pretty much shuts down the ability to communicate and consider each other's feelings.

You are saying the DP is shutting down the ability to communicate by saying he doesn't want her to go. I don't see this at all. The OP didn't say he is refusing to discuss it, putting his foot down, or forbidding her. It just doesn't say that anywhere. I think you have issues Offred!

Bunbaker · 23/05/2012 09:10

The irony is that the next thread to this one is where the boot is on the other foot, so to speak.

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 10:11

Which thread is that bunbaker? I'm intrigued.

VictoriaWould · 23/05/2012 10:15

I wondered where the OP had gone. Where is it please?

YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 18:37

Good point. Where are you OP?

knowitallstrikesagain · 23/05/2012 18:56

Imagining this as a conversation between me and a female friend.

'My DH wants to meet up with an ex who is coming to town. When we split briefly a few years ago, they had a fling. I am happy with him meeting any other exes but feel uncomfortable with the fact that they were together in between a time that we were. He doesn't want me to come and doesn't want to invite her over for dinner so I can only assume they want privacy for some reason. He knows I am uncomfortable about it but still wont invite me along. I really don't want him to go, but am I being unreasonable?'

'Absolutely bloody not! I would not be happy either'

OP, where are you? YABU.

Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 19:26

I think that the OP needs to be considerate of her DH feelings, they are perfectly reasonable. I've actually typed several ideas/ compromises but each time I've decided that they really aren't reasonable. I'm afraid that YABU just for being prepared to ignore the way your DH feels. Even putting aside the fact that you slept with this man (albeit when you were on a break) I know that I would struggle with the idea of my DH meeting up alone with an ex. and I don't think I'm particulary jealous.

Offred · 25/05/2012 17:37

I'm not going to waste my time asking DH what he thinks about a thread on MN! That's a little excessive. However do you think if we felt differently to each other about this really important thing, that we have experienced in our relationship several times, we'd be so happily married?

Offred · 25/05/2012 17:38

And might I add, this was not even an affair. It was outside the relationship and the dp chose to get back together.

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