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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To meet up with an old fling, even though DP does not want me to

200 replies

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 22/05/2012 02:21

An old fling of mine is going to be in town for a few days, soon. He and I have been great friends for years, but also had a very brief fling when DP and I were separated, 5 years ago. DP and I have a very strong relationship, but DP is a wee bit jealous of this particular guy. I, however, have a great friendship with him and would love to catch-up with him. It has been several years since I have seen him. DP reckons I should not meet up with him, I just want to catch up with an old friend who has lots of interesting stories and have a good old chin-wag. WWYD? I really want to see this friend.

OP posts:

Offred · 25/05/2012 17:42

The lack of trust would be a bad sign but either way it is really.

RetroMom · 25/05/2012 19:08

She had an affair with the guy, her DP is a wee bit jealous and he doesn't want her to go meet him. That's all we know. He could be insecure and unresolved about the whole thing and doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe he's feeling out of control. I'm not sure why that automatically translates into controlling the OP. But admittedly, I've not seen a response where the op has added anything more. Maybe I missed it?

Offred · 25/05/2012 21:55

Retro - he has told her he doesn't want her to go and asked her not to. You don't think given that she wants to go, and is posting because she STILL wants to go that he is trying to stop her going by saying that? Surely that is the whole point in asking her not to go. It sounds like they have not been able to speak about it productively because she wants to go and he is asking her not to.I just think it is a bit irrelevant whether she actually goes or not, he is trying to interfere in her friendships and influence who she is friends with, people think that is justified because they have had sex in the past when they weren't together, it is still trying to interfere. If it was a friend she hadn't slept with but that he didn't like would that be controlling behaviour?

I maintain the friend is unimportant, whether she meets him or not is unimportant, what is important is that she wants to meet with this friend whether her dp wants her to or not and he does not trust her.

RetroMom · 25/05/2012 22:03

Thanks Offred. I'll wait to see if the OP comes back to confirm your assumption. I do wonder how desperate she felt about the situation that she's not even been back since the first post though?

Offred · 25/05/2012 22:20

Have you read the thread? I'm sure she did come back for one post after the op, but she was getting completely flamed...

YouOldSlag · 27/05/2012 18:45

Offred- you feel so strongly about this I am almost afraid to post a conflicting opinion in case I get one of your lectures about how relationships should be!

It's like there's a guard dog at the gates of the thread!

KatieScarlett2833 · 27/05/2012 18:58

How could you enjoy a night out as described knowing that your OH was at home, in bits about it (rightly or wrongly)

I couldn't.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/05/2012 19:37

I think that KatieScarlett has hit the nail on the head here, if the OP can enjoy a night out knowing how it effects her OH then maybe she should be thinking about if the relationship should continue, although I suspect that her OH is probably already there.

NovackNGood · 27/05/2012 19:39

Just go and have a good catch up and a nice time.

If your OH id jealous well he's only hurting himself by being that way so more fool him. Jealousy is such an off putting quality to find in anyone if you ask me it's best ignored and not pampered too at all.

YouOldSlag · 27/05/2012 22:08

Novack- I can't believe that people decide jealousy is unpalatable and therefore bulldoze over it! You're not the first poster who has said words to that effect.

In a relationship both partners' feelings need to be taken into account regardless of whether you think it is an "offputting quality" that shouldn't be pandered to!

You can't invalidate a partner's voice just because you disagree with it. Jealousy can't be "wrong" if millions of people experience it. It's part of human nature, you can't just ignore it.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 22:15

why are you posters still arguing the toss here when the OP is long gone ?

YouOldSlag · 27/05/2012 22:19

Because Desperate Housewives isn't on yet and I feel like an argument but DH has been lovely all weekend.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 22:21

fair enough

lambbone · 27/05/2012 22:55

I disagree Slag-I think that there are many human emotions that are ignoble and unworthy, and if you are aware of experiencing them you should go down the Novak route and ignore or work hard to diminish in yourself.

AltruisticEnigma · 27/05/2012 23:38

There are not right or wrong opinions, there are just opinions. Anyone who tells you their opinion/viewpoint is the right one, is deluded.

IMHO I think YABU OP, as although you shouldn't be in a controlling relationship, he isn't controlling. He requests you don't go, but if you do go he wont hate you for it. I think part of being in a relationship is taking the other persons feelings into account. Sure, if they tell you 'I don't want you to be friends with Martin, I just don't like him' that's ridiculous and shouldn't be put up with. However, is it really unreasonable he is going to be uncomfortable here? You once obviously had feelings for this person and as we all know, feelings can come back.

Why don't you meet up with them with a friend, possibly a mutual one? Then I'm sure your DH would feel happier, you'd still get to feel 'free' and get to hear all the gossip that the old flame has to offer.

I am not flaming you or anything, you just have to see where he is coming from here.

Offred · 28/05/2012 07:02

Slag - I've always stated it was my opinion, it is other people telling me I am objectively wrong. Which is it afraid of me or trying to bait me? If the former I suggest you man up, there are far more scary people on MN

If you read my posts properly you'll see you have entirely missed my point. I'm trying to say her relationship with her bf sounds like it is over because he hasn't gotten over the fact she had another relationship with someone else (not an affair) that was nothing to do with him and is acting on his feelings of jealousy by trying to exert control over the relationship. She still wants to go even though he has asked her not to. I disagree with the people who say it is necessary and reasonable I police your partner's relationships and nip dangerous behaviour in the bud and I disagree that I should change my own view because I'm in the minority.

NovackNGood · 28/05/2012 19:10

Youoldslag.

I'll say it again. Jealousy is only hurting yourself. And if people get mordibly so they need to find help for their mental health problem not from their other half having to change their lifestyle.

Original poster

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 30/05/2012 00:49

Oh, feck. I think I am a wee bit out of my depth here, have never started a thread with so many responses. I haven't been back until tonight as I have been looking after my elderly Gran (she has just had heart surgery, again, and once again has bounced back fantastically, thank goodness). I apologise for not returning sooner.

Anyway, I love my DP, we are planning on getting married, I do not plan on ever cheating on him.

He did not want me to meet up with this old friend. Said friend is a part of my past - I want to meet with him, have a drink, find out how his daughters are doing - typical friend stuff. Just because we once slept together, does not mean we still want to. In fact, we have a lunch planned for two weeks from now - and DP is also coming along

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 30/05/2012 09:53

Nice one Shadows- sounds like you've found a good balance.

Novack- jealousy is a mental health problem? REALLY?

Asamumnonsense · 30/05/2012 10:28

Don't do it! I met one of my exes a few months ago by accident after 7 years and he has been wanted to meet up. He is single but I am now married with children. I keep telling him that he doesn't feel right. My DH wouldn't be too pleased. I have to put DH's feelings first and also protect myself... never know what could happen.

rhondajean · 30/05/2012 11:26

Hooray a happy ending!

Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2012 11:36

People on here are incredibly possessive. I really feel fine that my husband had relationships and fancied people before me, indeed would be odd if he didn't, plus I'd like to think he's still fanciable now and might get a small-ego boost from meeting up with an old friend. I love having male friends from years ago who see past the wrinkles and extra pounds too, going out to lunch and having a few compliments is one of the great pleasures in life, but I would never cheat, so perhaps that gives me the certainty to go so far but no futher.

theboutiquemummy · 30/05/2012 12:33

Take your DP that will be a nice catch up then he can see that there is nothing to be worried about and you'll give the other chap the clear signal no way hose this is my life now and i'm sharing it with someone else.

Its the sex thing always gets in the way, nothing can ever be just reminiscing after that.

How awful would it be to go along and then find out that there is still a spark and with the best of intentions initially something happens. Your DP will know instantly and you could end up destroying what you have taken so long to rebuild.

Drinks and a catch up is never just drinks and a catch up after you have slept together albeit on a break its just one of those things

my advice would be to leave it in the past where it belongs and cut all contact after all you have the man you want who needs another one ?

Good Luck

BM x

bringbacksideburns · 30/05/2012 12:41

Youoldslag

I say that in the voice of Ray Winstone and it amuses me

YouOldSlag · 30/05/2012 14:01

tee hee, that's the spirit sideburns.

I like to think my name gives a lovely mental picture! I'm bloody nails, me.

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