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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be interested in what my mum (67) has been up to all week ?

212 replies

Willowisp · 18/05/2012 21:19

My mum runs some sort of activity week, where (IMO) she queen bees around, eats lots of cake (already fat) & refers to it as a 'holiday'. She has a great time, but I'm not interested. (miserable boot face emoticon)

She's just rung me, given me a breakdown of how they all enjoyed it/gave money/did a whip round/bought thank you presents. Great.

Then she's told me she's babysitting (for free) for her (crafty neighbour who asks her 2-3 x a week) & is cross because I've shown no interest.

When her mum was alive, she lapped up everything & rewarded her with lines of "oh aren't you good/great/super" "how wonderful" etc.

Then she proceeded to tell me what she's doing in the garden....in minute detail..

I'm in my 40's, I've got my own family - kids, pets, washing & ironing & quite frankly a "I'm back from x & had a great time" is all I need. I don't bore her with the minutia of my day(s). Nor have the self importance to embellish & boast about something she's been doing for about 8 yrs.

Yes, I am an old bag & most likely, incredibly UR, but I just had to get it off my chest before I ate all the chocolate in the house.

OP posts:
bigmouthstrikesagain · 19/05/2012 22:58

Sandy -that may sound to you as really good advice and that maybe it has never occurred to people to 'steer the converstion' in different directions.

I have been speaking to my mother for 38 years (nearly) and I do steer the converstions we have of course I do -= If I have news or when she stops talking about her 'stuff' - the issue is not managing the conversation it is the fact that (I speaking only for my situation here obv.) it rarely occurs to my Mum to ask how her Grandchildren are? For example dd2 and ds were ill this week high temps etc we were worried - when I spoke to Mum I told her about them - when she called later this week she completely failed to ask how they were. PIL rang daily to check Sad.

I am sure you mean well but look at it this way - if you speak to a stranger at a party and find them to be one of those bores who talk only of themselves and show no interest in you at least you can make excuses and leave the conversation (even if they are nice interesting well meaning people at heart). If that person is your Mother you have to put up with it but it can get you down believe me.

Original poster
Willowisp · 19/05/2012 23:57

Sandyboots, I'm not keen on your quip about me 'drip feeding'' comments. Other posters have bothered to ask me questions & given me their opinions, so I have responded.

Am I expected to not reply ? Confused

My mum does ask me questions too...it's like she has a bullet pointed list & I have actually asked whether she'd like a schedule of the things we are up to. It didn't go down very well.Wink

bigmouth I'm completely with you on feeling irritated & sad & wanting a normal, easy going conversation. Interestingly I can have this with my dad, who I had NO relationship with as I was growing up.

How do I get this moved to the 'relationships' thread ?

OP posts:
sandyboots · 20/05/2012 00:01

thanks its genuinely interesting to me because I've had so long without having a mother/daughter relationship being the daughter I can't remember what it's like really to feel like that. I imagine if you said something then, such as that you wondered why she hadn't asked about dd and ds, or that it had upset you, that this would make no difference to her behaviour - although would it make you feel a bit better anyway?
I appreciate it must be difficult though.
MN is great to vent and that's important. I was just trying to say that's not how OPs post came across initially IYSWIM which even on re-reading it I still think

sandyboots · 20/05/2012 00:03

sorry x post OP - I don't think initially you got across what the actual situation was that's all
as for moving the thread not sure - maybe report to MNHQ and ask them to move?

jbl47 · 20/05/2012 00:10

imagine how i feel with a mil of 70 with a extremely active sex life which for some unknown reason insist on telling me all the details and i mean ALL the details Blush

t875 · 20/05/2012 00:19

Hi, if i can give you any advise OP what i would give for my mum to give me a run down on what she ate out on a day out with my dad. Used to drive me mad..
I lost my mum from a suddent stroke last month which took her out straightaway, literally in her sleep and my god that void and emtiness is suffocating at times and i miss her loads.

What I would give for me mum to waffle on to me about anything now, all i can do is waffle on to her but no response :( enjoy every moment OP, as my mum passed away at 66 and you never know whats round the corner.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/05/2012 09:17

Sandy I am not sure what the Confused is for.
Do you really think it would be appropriate for me to spend my days reminding people how lucky they are that their child is not dead?
How horrible for posters looking for support and how draining for me.
How long before I got banned from MN?
We ALL have to accept that other people have complicated lives and not insist on projecting our experiences onto them.

everlong · 20/05/2012 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyGates · 20/05/2012 09:38

To those of you who keep banging on about how you wish you could talk to your mothers so the OP should feel lucky to have her mother....

Would you, if you were sadly widowed, tell a woman who had an abusive or difficult relationship with an estranged husband to just put up with it and continue the relationship becuase she should feel lucky to have one at all? Hmm

Because that's what you're doing. Your relationship with your wonderful Mother is not now and never has been the same as the relationship some of us have with our Mothers. Being a mother does not automatically make you a wonderful human being. Some mothers are a lot less than perfect. So please, think before you post.

TheLightPassenger · 20/05/2012 09:41

it's unfortunate, as the OP sounded a bit whingey and petulant, but in light of the background it sounds eminently reasonable that the OP has somewhat mixed feelings and limited tolerance towards her mother.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 20/05/2012 09:42

Fascinating all these posts about how lucky you are still to have a mother. If I gave my husband a hard time every time he had a little moan about his Dad because at least he has a Dad as mine died when I was 18, we would be divorced by now.

I has never ocurred to me to do that as it doesn't make sense, no one lives forever, life is precious of course it is. I don't waste my time berating others for uncharitable thoughts. I know my Mum will die, I watched my Father die and my mother has attempted suicide none of that awareness has made me immune to irritation. She is an unhappy woman and I cannot fix her accepting that fact is what enables me to talk to her regularly without shouting incoherently at her in frustration.

Hth.

RecursiveMoon · 20/05/2012 09:45

Very good post MrsDeV.

I'm shocked that people are still turning up and posting 'At least you have a Mum' comments, after presumably reading Willow's later posts and lots of very articulate and reasoned posts from other people too.

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/05/2012 09:56

Some people are incapable of seeing things from a different perspective unfortunately or they just don't bother to read the thread.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2012 09:59

I don't think OP is drip feeding, people simply don't read it all.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/05/2012 10:01

everlong course we might feel it but we don't say it :)
In fact I am quite surprised that so many people have got away with talking about their late mums.
I have seen bereaved parents getting hammered for doing the same on threads.
It is taboo to envoke your dead child less you somehow put a hex on a live one.
Bad form and all that.

I understand posters longings for their much loved and missed mums being prodded painfully by this thread, of course I do.
For me and the other bereaved parents it is a daily occourance on MN - a parenting site.

It does not change that the op has had difficult life with her mum and gm and she has the right to talk about how it has affected relationship with her mum.

MissAnnersley · 20/05/2012 10:03

The OP is not drip feeding, simply answering questions. It would have been extremely odd if she hadn't!

everlong · 20/05/2012 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

t875 · 20/05/2012 11:40

I can respect the OP though and her feelings as we aren't always going to get on with our mums or the relationship isnt going to great, but I was just giving small advise. My mum drove me up the wall at times but my god I miss it now.

PickledFanjoCat · 20/05/2012 12:25

My mother told me last week the price of fairy liquid in five different local shops. Bless. She also tells me a very long life history of who had died in her church and who was at the funeral. I have also seen receipts. Maybe I should pass your mums phone number on they sound like they would get on like a house on fire.

LittlePicnic · 20/05/2012 16:57

It amazes me that some people really think others are interested in the minutiae of their lives. I have a sister who does the same. It's boring conversation and I don't bore her with the same, but she still does it and doesn't take the hint.

charmund · 20/05/2012 17:09

My mum is 83 and likes to tell me in great detail about the weather when we're on the phone. I half listen, make the right noises and have mumsnet on my computer screen at the same time. Result? She's happy as she has told me how chilly it was this morning and I've caught up on the latest posts!! : )

NaughtyBusterAndTheBumFactory · 20/05/2012 17:24

Bah! I'd give anything to listen to my Mum waffling on about shit. YABU.

WellYouPickedHim · 20/05/2012 17:30

oh well, i am sure you will enjoy your inheritance when she is dead and buried, and i am sure you will be able to flog all her tat for a few more quid and it wont be long , so every cloud and all that .....

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/05/2012 17:30

Read the fecking thread

Dollydowser · 20/05/2012 17:51

Willowisp, sounds normal to me. If that makes me a horrible person too then so be it.

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