To not be interested in what my mum (67) has been up to all week ?

[Willowisp]

My mum runs some sort of activity week, where (IMO) she queen bees around, eats lots of cake (already fat) & refers to it as a 'holiday'. She has a great time, but I'm not interested. (miserable boot face emoticon)

She's just rung me, given me a breakdown of how they all enjoyed it/gave money/did a whip round/bought thank you presents. Great.

Then she's told me she's babysitting (for free) for her (crafty neighbour who asks her 2-3 x a week) & is cross because I've shown no interest.

When her mum was alive, she lapped up everything & rewarded her with lines of "oh aren't you good/great/super" "how wonderful" etc.

Then she proceeded to tell me what she's doing in the garden....in minute detail..

I'm in my 40's, I've got my own family - kids, pets, washing & ironing & quite frankly a "I'm back from x & had a great time" is all I need. I don't bore her with the minutia of my day(s). Nor have the self importance to embellish & boast about something she's been doing for about 8 yrs.

Yes, I am an old bag & most likely, incredibly UR, but I just had to get it off my chest before I ate all the chocolate in the house.

What mrsdevere said, but with an addition - not everyone loves their mum. I just about tolerate mine, and I have good reason for not loving her. She remains in my life because she is DS's only remaining grandparent.

As he gets older and more aware, I think he will choose to have nothing to do with her.

My mother would now dearly love a mother/daughter relationship with me, but it's far too late. I'll never trust her enough for that.

So for those who are shocked, horrified etc at the idea of not revering your mum because of her status - please consider that there may be good reason for that.

I don't think you are BU, I love my mum and am glad to have her but sometimes I am busy and haven't got 45 mins to listen to stuff about people I don't know.

You sound fine to me willow and quite understandable.

I am a mum (68) and hope my DD never feels like that about me. My mum was 69 when she died in 1993 and I have missed her every day. I wasn't as caring as I should have been about phone calls too wrapped up in my own life. I'd give almost anything to talk to her now. YABVU

Most of us are mothers Grey an I am sure all of don't want ourchildren to feel that way about us.
In fact for some of us that thought has dominated our lives.
Always checking ourselves, 'am I like her?', 'do I do that thing?' etc etc
I really wish people would understand that the op is NOT talking about THEIR mothers.
Then read the op again perhaps.

My mother drives me crazy, I love her to bits but when she and DF come to visit I am glad to see the back of her and her cleaning tips after two days...... so I kind of know what you mean OP.

I would also be interested in what the replies to this thread would be like if it was about a DIL complaining about MIL calling her DH as in the OP.

I absolutely agree with MrsdeVere. Relationships with mothers can be incredibly complex. I had an extremely difficult relationship with my mum all through my childhood. She was very unhappy with my dad and took it out on me.

Now we are both older our relationship has thankfully improved but the old tensions remain. It takes very little for me to be angry or annoyed with her. I hate feeling like this and know it's not a pleasant character trait but it's there or a reason.

It sounds to me like the OP has had a hard time in years gone by and struggles to maintain her equilibrium around her. I understand exactly how she feels.

My mum died when I was at uni, but I talk to my mil on the phone quite a lot.

Sometimes I can't believe the amount of detail she finds necessary and I can find it annoying. I still care lots about her though....I don't thing the two are mutually exclusive :)

It's incredibly interesting to read the different replies & the world is clearly split between this that have good relationships with their mums & those that don't.

For those that do, I can see how horrible my op sounded.

For those that don't, the tales you've shared have made cathartic reading. Motherhood is never easy & when you also have a strong opinionated grandmother influencing day to day life, it adds to this.

I think older people don't like to face up to past unpleasant situations, certainly this was the case with my maternal side. We didn't speak for almost a year & rather than try to resolve, it was put down to my 'madness'. I assume they spent this time drinking tea, clicking their tongue & discussing how much they loved me & how fortunate I was (again, in spite of, rather than because).

If anyone is interested I saw a therapist who uses schema based therapy. It was like a light going on.

wow willow, what a story

apologies for my blunt posts earlier, had no idea that was your background and jumped in when I shouldn't have

how you feel better today and enjoy the weekend with your own family

I do this to my mum she must when she gets off the phone after I fill her in in the minute details of mine and 3 dc day. I have no one else to tell though so she's stuck with me.

On the flip side, my granny does it to me and she tells me the same story several times a week. If I remind her she's told me already, she gets all affronted and says "I HAVE NOT!!!" So now I just listen, she's impossible to get off the phone though, and once when I was going to be really late for work I set the smoke alarm off (tester button) and 'oh no, the toast is burning!"

Your OP is so sad.

There is a lot of bitterness there.

If your relationship was good, you would be pleased for her. And you would manage to listen to her boring tales with joy in your heart that she had a good time.

I think you have some issues to grapple with.

Ah, I see I missed one vital post.

Yanbu to feel like this. I feel the same way. My mother lives in a SAGA cruises, index linked pension, big detached home middle class bubble, as do all the people whose lives she tells me about at length when she phones me. And about their incredibly successful and well off children. I live in a shit hole, have no money and couldn't care less that so and so's privately educated son has just passed his grade 8 mandolin and has secured a place at Cambridge to read law. Just don't talk about it.

Obviously I still love her. I just make sure I'm near a computer so I can mn while I listen and make interested noises.

No worries, I think I should have posted on the stately homes thread

Whenever I talk to my mum, the whole time I am imagining her reselling what I have said to someone else, adding to it, making it somehow about her, being rueful or v. concerned . This may be unfair and I do love my mum but this is how she relates information about everyone.
It means that I only ever talk trivialities to her.
Ironically I can just imagine how she tells he friends 'my dd does go on but you know ( head on one side) she hasn't got anyone else so I just listen. She knows she can tell me everything. It does take it out of me sometimes though'

Sorry mum.

I might be harsh, but I think that for every parent enjoying their life of luxury, while their children (even though adult) living in less than desirable circumstances, have failed miserably at some point in their parenting efforts.

I am sorry about the mandolin grade 8 shit. Your parents should be embarrassed that they did not manage to support their own child in the same manner as the neighbors they look up to, and not mention it.

You have to nod and smile... nod and smile....
I know how you feel, but I don't get on with my Mum, she is controlling and unreasonable and believes the world should revolve round her (she moved down to Bournemouth when she retired and doesn't understand why we don't just sell-up and follow her down.... this is absolutely unreasonable in her mind).
I used to listen to the minutiae of her neighbours' lives and try and sound interested, but then she started getting cross because I couldn't remember which neighbour went with which GC/Illness/eccentricity.

She gets cross because our lives don't change that much, there's never much to update her with and I'm buggered if I'm telling her our most intimate details so she can share them with her neighbours. (And then get into another disagreement about how we've done it all wrong, because Mrs Thingumy says so)
If you do get on with your Mum you'll never understand why some of us don't...

Our family can also spend an entire evening discussing the new carpet and its relative bargainaciousness..... I'll never get those hours back.

Hope you're feeling better today Willow.

I must say as many others have said that I just do not see the point of posts saying 'my mother died and I wish I could talk to her'. Of course its terribly sad if you lose a much loved parent but its just not relevant to a thread like this.

As MrsDeV said - not all mother/daughter relationships are lovely and straightforward.

Willow - must say - I think you've been very gracious on this thread.

Oh FGS! I LOVE my mum.

Sometimes she drives me batty, sometimes I drive her batty. She makes me cross and I whine about her to DH.

I know that she isn't going to be around forever and I dread the day that she isn't but it doesn't stop the fact that she does my head in :o

My own dad died when I was 13 and I would give anything to have him back but I don't think badly of other people who have the odd whinge about their dads.

I find the whole "well, your lucky to have a [crap/abusive/annoying] mum because my [usually lovely/fabulous] mum died..." really childish.

It seems to come up on many threads on MN, even if the OP is just having a lighthearted whine and it gets right on my tits nerves!

My mum is the same but I know that I bore her with my anecdotes to. My brother has limited tolerance for her phone calls and my Dad's phone calls and therefore never really speaks to them on the phone. My Dad had affairs when we were younger, one Called our house and threatened suicide if my Dad didn't leave us. He left us to live with this woman. My DB has remained resentful of this his whole life. My point is that our past has very much shaped the future with regards to my DB's relationship and he has similar feelings to the OP regarding their phone calls. I had the same upbringing but will listen to my mum and Dad seperately talk for hours in my mum's case about shopping, relocation, a museum she volunteers to help out. In my Dad's case he still works abroad for months on end and will talk about the politics of the country, the impoverished people, friends I don't know. He is a humanitarian in many ways but treated my mum badly. He is emotional and will talk about the past.

TBH I wouldn't have a relationship with my Dad if I didn't stand back from the situation and see him as human with all the imperfections that entails. I think it is sad that my DB can't do this because he misses out on a relationship that could be quite good and I think he'll regret it.

Reading this thread has really upset me...im off to call my mum!

I have a difficult relationship with my mum... this thread has made me call her