To not be interested in what my mum (67) has been up to all week ?

[Willowisp]

My mum runs some sort of activity week, where (IMO) she queen bees around, eats lots of cake (already fat) & refers to it as a 'holiday'. She has a great time, but I'm not interested. (miserable boot face emoticon)

She's just rung me, given me a breakdown of how they all enjoyed it/gave money/did a whip round/bought thank you presents. Great.

Then she's told me she's babysitting (for free) for her (crafty neighbour who asks her 2-3 x a week) & is cross because I've shown no interest.

When her mum was alive, she lapped up everything & rewarded her with lines of "oh aren't you good/great/super" "how wonderful" etc.

Then she proceeded to tell me what she's doing in the garden....in minute detail..

I'm in my 40's, I've got my own family - kids, pets, washing & ironing & quite frankly a "I'm back from x & had a great time" is all I need. I don't bore her with the minutia of my day(s). Nor have the self importance to embellish & boast about something she's been doing for about 8 yrs.

Yes, I am an old bag & most likely, incredibly UR, but I just had to get it off my chest before I ate all the chocolate in the house.

I'll quite happily stand up and tell them they are horrible if they use such callous uncaring language about another human yes.

OP may have a difficult relationship, and that's awful and she should have help with that but does that excuse throwing insults around. If a woman came on saying her DP had said she needed to eat less cake as she was a fat cow (or texted it to a friend) just how many cries of "leave the bastard" would there be? And if she followed up by saying, well I had been nagging him and we argued, how many cries of "no he's a twunt, having an argument doesn't excuse language like that" would there be? So what exactly is the difference between that and OPs choice of insult to a person she professes to love?

The difference is the OP didn't say this to her mum. And I have read posts where Ops have complained about being disgusted by their DP's fat belly for example. Posters have always tried to find out what is going on and on the threads I have read, there has always been much more than was originally obvious.

If the OP had said all this to her mum I would agree with you. She didn't

Three cheers for MrsDeVere!
Have just gone back to double check OP. OP is here for a vent, not to have a few MNetters dump their guilt about not having listened to their own mums when they were still with us. I miss my dad in so many ways even 13 years on, and I know I'll miss Ma even more, and I really don't want it to happen for years and years, even though she insists on talking about the plotlines in Corrie and EastEnders WHICH I DO NOT WATCH AND SHE KNOWS IT. Gets me mixed up with her no.2 and no.4 daughters, who do.

ThankGod, Eats,Chutney buss MrsD the voices of compassionate reason!

I do think it is difficult for some people to hear others say 'horrible' things about their mothers.
My OH used to get really quite angry with me when I would complain/vent about my mother.
He had a very close relationship with his mum. I dont think he loved her anymore than I love mine but the dynamic was very, very different.
He was outraged when i would storm and rave (I dont do this now, I have found a way of dealing with her and to be fair she has mellowed a lot).
It was crushing to be told that I was a terrible person by someone who simply didnt understand what it was like.

I would totally agree Eats if it had been the entire vent bar that one line, I think I would feel the same about the fat belly comments or anything of that nature really. OP and her mother clearly have an uneasy relationship, there is obviously more to it, but if this was RL and one of my friends I would turn the sympathetic ear whilst calling them out on any outright nastiness which makes them, yes, a horrible person at that time.

So directly to OP you don't have to be ever grovelling to the women who gave birth to you just because she's your mum, you don't need to accept issues with your relationship, you do need to investigate the issues that you have for her sake and for yours, it will enbitter you both, I hope you can find some peace. Others losses should bear no relevance to your own relationship and path forward, but whatever those problems are do not resort to nasty, snide comments in person or about that person as it demeans you and makes you appear less than you may be. Good luck and I hope tomorrow wakes up a brighter day.

I have found my mum very difficult at times. Not physically abusive, jeremy kyle type difficult, but in some ways quite toxic. But a lot of the individual traits or incidents sound so so trivial.

I have the same thing with my OH as well MrsD, his mum died when she was young, and he has endless patience with my mum. I sometimes revert to a storming, sulky teenage me when she comes to stay. Him playing the part of Saint and me obviously ungrateful bastard Anti-Christ child.

I love her with all my heart, but family dynamics as you say are different for everyone. I think the OP has had an awful response here. without any of us knowing much about her life.

Softlysoftly - horrible person? How horrible.

My husband gets bored of hearing his mum talking bollocks, he dreads her calls, makes bored gestures whilst on the phone to her, feels indifferent to her existence but 'tolerates' her as she is his children's grandmother. One day she will die; will he regret his attitude towards her? Probably not. This 'mum', this lady who gave birth to him and "put up with him" as a child/teenager also allowed her psycho 'boyfriend' to sexually abuse him from the age of 8 to 14. She knew about it but didn't stop it. My mum is an angel in comparison but wasn't great either. So, whilst I feel desperately sad for anyone who has lost a lovely mum, give us people with crap mums a bloody break!! Even my own stepdaughter whose mum died aged 40 when she was just 14 (she's only 18 now!) wouldn't try and make someone feel guilty for having a moan about their own mum, as she has the emotional maturity and intelligence to recognise that relationships are complex and different!! So, no, OP YANBU but many other posters on this thread ARE.

Ok, was just off to bed & (mistakenly) checked this.

I'm not a horrible person. I am kind, straightforward, sometimes fun & honest.

My mum didn't sacrifice anymore than the average mum to bring me up. We've had a difficult relationship since I was 13/14/15. So 30 yrs of complications.

She has constantly told me she would a) die for me b) die without me. She also constantly reminded me no-one loved me as much as she did.My psychologist advised me this was a terrible pressure for me to live with ALL my life. Blah blah - I am through the other side now.

When push came to shove, we became homeless, she moved in with granny & I was told no room (there was room) for me. I was insanely bitter about it.

Yes, she is fat, was fat & I was a plump child. Then she got a job, lost weight & forgot to feed me. I became thin. I am no Kate Moss, but I'm not bad for my age.

Yes I do have 2 DC & yes my family life couldn't be more different, because, growing up, I didn't have a family life. Yes, having DC & a loving DH, who has loving parents, brought home the dysfunctional upbringing I had. Cue bit of a mental breakdown & massive back catalogue of events.

I thought I could post glibly & fend off the sweetie cravings, I didn't realise a life story needed to precede it.

Thanks for all comments & the support from those who had an inclination there was more to it.

Willow -

Can I ask where you lived while your Mum lived with your Granny?

softlysoftly - things are always more complicated than they seem & so the fat comment may seem snide, however when there are eating disorders involved (mine, faced up to but ongoing, hers dismissed, but real & health threatening) it's actually very relevant. I appreciate what you are saying though.

I rented a room in rented accommodation.

Glad you came back Willow. I'm off to bed after I've eaten my dairymilk.
Goodnight.

Jesus Gooshka, your dh is an incredible man to maintain contact with a mother who so spectacularly failed him. I bet you have a hard time being civil to her.

Willow - don't take the thread to heart. You know that you are okay...

Glad you came back willow. hope your ok :). I loved my mum dearly, she died a while ago now, but even I had a moan about her occasionally so dont worry about the "mumsmob"

Ah OP. I love my mum wittering down the phone, as its just something we do (unless I'm busy then it gets annoying).

But this thread reminded me of when MIL rang me constantly to talk for three hours about shite. I had a newborn and didn't always want to chat for that long.

She died recently, and whilst I miss her desparately, I realised that I knew more of her than either of her sons! But still, it doesnt change the fact that she was a little bit grating and that's why we eventually moved (and didn't have a house phone in the new place). Doesn't mean I don't miss her now, but I completely get you on the annoying phone call front. Don't worry about this thread, lots of differing opinions in such a big place.

HMC - yes he does struggle with it sometimes and he is becoming less tolerant the older he gets but his mum seems oblivious to it, it's most bizarre!!! It's as if nothing ever happened as far as she is concerned, she has the skin of a rhino (I think she's in denial). My DH is very strong, he struggled in his teens and 20s but came out the other end. He's a great father and a successful person but it's in SPITE of his upbringing not because of it . I didn't struggle with her initially as I figured that if my DH could forgive and move on then who was I to take issue with it? However, since my own family has grown I've found it harder and harder to understand how she could be such a SHIT mum and how she could fail to protect her babies

hi Willow if you're still up. I've namechanged BTW, was Bussfucket earlier.

Nothing new to say, except very unMNetty love and hugs. xxx

YABU. It's selfish to only want to listen to others if we feel entertained by them.

I get it OP.

I'm coming from a similar place as MrsDV

"Are you now at a stage with your own children where your own childhood seems to be markedly different when you look back?"

^^ Oh thank goodness, I thought this was just me...

YANU
My DM is pretty near house bound by arthritis. I'd love it she could get out and about and do things. Even if she did ring and bore me afterwards.

DMIL used to ring a lot and sometimes I'd think not now I'm busy. She died when DD1 was tiny and I so wish the DDs could have chattered to her.

Willow good for you coming back, I also have weight issues, they are also passed on from my mother and my gut reaction was to know how desperately injured she would feel at having that thrown at her, I am glad you see my point. I am just very very anti personal comments from anyone to anyone and think it reflects badly, it detracts from the very real crisis you were in.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day, and next time I'd just dig into the then shamelessly ask for sympathy!