To not be interested in what my mum (67) has been up to all week ?

[Willowisp]

My mum runs some sort of activity week, where (IMO) she queen bees around, eats lots of cake (already fat) & refers to it as a 'holiday'. She has a great time, but I'm not interested. (miserable boot face emoticon)

She's just rung me, given me a breakdown of how they all enjoyed it/gave money/did a whip round/bought thank you presents. Great.

Then she's told me she's babysitting (for free) for her (crafty neighbour who asks her 2-3 x a week) & is cross because I've shown no interest.

When her mum was alive, she lapped up everything & rewarded her with lines of "oh aren't you good/great/super" "how wonderful" etc.

Then she proceeded to tell me what she's doing in the garden....in minute detail..

I'm in my 40's, I've got my own family - kids, pets, washing & ironing & quite frankly a "I'm back from x & had a great time" is all I need. I don't bore her with the minutia of my day(s). Nor have the self importance to embellish & boast about something she's been doing for about 8 yrs.

Yes, I am an old bag & most likely, incredibly UR, but I just had to get it off my chest before I ate all the chocolate in the house.

Well, if this thread has achieved anything it's that everyone is remembering their mum and giving them a call. I knew there was a silver lining there somewhere!

Yes better ring mine too (girds loins)

It's true that having your own children can focus your mind on what your own childhood was like.

My mum loved us, but she made some decisions when we were little, that make me go "WTF??!!" now, and has never been one for reasoned logic..

Things have got a lot worse since having dc, because for years I lived hundreds of miles away, and saw her every 3 months or so.
Now I live near, and she is around a lot. She can't seem to grasp that I am an adult, and that her role is that of grandparent.
Having had lots of kids herself, she has always acted as though ds is hers iyswim, crossing boundrys more times than I can count.

The truly infuriating aspect of this, is that she never, EVER admits to this.
If I try and reason with her, or tell her that something she did upset me, and why, it will be because I am "paranoid/over sensitive/possesive" and generally mad.

This has always been the case, in every phase of my life. Nothing is ever wrong-I am just imagining things. Ho hum.

She is very very passive aggressive (which has made me quite the opposite-confrontational and very direct) and what Mrs D says is spot on: I spend me life worried that I am being like my mother!

So, you are not alone Willow. You can love someone, and they can drive you up the bloody wall at the same time!

Hope you are feeling better now??? I have not spoken to my mother for 9 years as she is a nightmare (understatement) and nthing would make me contact her, nothing. So i understand your ranting. I dont think youre horrible or being unreasonable.n youre entitled to your post.

Hi Willow hope today is a better day!. Well I girded my loins along with hmc , and asked my mum if she wanted to come to the pictures and lunch tomorrow, she declined, then gave me a run down of how fed up and bored she is .
DH phoned and cajoled her for a good 20 minutes and now she's coming. We should be going to see "Throw Momma from the Train" by rights.
She's murder, honest.

nowthenwreck you've hit the nail on the head. If they could just admit to something, anything, then it would make a difference. Harriet Lerner - the Dance of Intimacy - helped me very much. She has written a few & my friend is a fan of Dance of Anger. Worh checking out on Amazon.

Another of the things that helped me was realising she is never going to change . I can only change me & my reaction to her behaviour. I forget this frequently .

I'm sure I have PMT & the singsongy voice of DM just got through to me last night. I'm fine (on this subject !) today, so thanks for asking.

I hope your kids don't feel this way about you when you're older.

Yes well that is rather the point of the thread real housewife.

It also goes to show that if you have a DD they are not necessarily going to be on the same wavelength or your best friend. It is largely down to luck.

Glad you're feeling better today willowisp.

I've had the dubious privilege of seeing my mother sob and berate herself for having been a 'terrbile mother' (her words, not mine) while we were growing up. Nothing social-services terrible (we were fed and clean etc) but our home was emotionally fraught and a horrible place to live.

The thing is, she can't bear to hear any actual criticism of her previous behaviour. She seems to think that now she has apologised, we should all never speak of it again and that surely now we will like her and enjoy her company. She gets very very weepy if we mention any actual details of how it used to be and so we tend not to.

The ensuing weird situation (where the past is tacitly acknowledged but must never be mentioned) is hard work, because I am basically still full of anger at her but can't actually express it to her as she is obviously trying hard to be nicer to us.

I've got all this rage and nowhere for it to go.... sometimes I wish she'd never tried to make amends because then I'd be able to hate her with a clear conscience. Which I know is a fairly awful way to feel, but there it is.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that even if a mother-figure does change her spots and admit to past misbehaviour, there's still potentially a long way to go. I need to change my reactions to her (past) behaviour, as the OP has said, if I want to get on with my life in a happy way.

I do try to, but it's bloody hard work!!

Anyone mention the guilt of having a mother you have to work really hard to like?
The guilt!!!

I think maybe this thread should be moved to relationships?

Well realhousewife, that's precisely the point. I'd hate my children to feel about ME the way I feel about MY mum (and my husband about HIS mum). For all those of you who have been blessed with lovely mums, I envy you; and for those who have lost lovely mums my heart goes out to you. But, please, don't make ridiculous comments to those of us who haven't had that experience. If Rose West's daughter moaned about her on here would you tell her to be grateful she still HAS a mum or would you actually understand?

Willow I could have written your post so you are not being unreasonable. My mum has just phoned to tell me my cousin has cancer; she [mum) is annoyed as it is something else for her to worry about!

willow - your OP was horrible and my first reaction was to think you were a bit of a cow. Sorry. But reading more and seeing your gracious, generous responses I can see I was wrong.

FWIW my mum was a good one (as far as i can tell) and I love her, but she fucking bores my tits off at times. MIL is possibly worse

But one thing was always true. She loved me fiercely.Always. She didn't always get it right but the fact that she always tried to means more iyswim.

OP your initial post came across as whiny teenager and the title is IMHO a bit offensive to people who've lost their mums.
It's hardly 'childish' to say you miss your mum btw I'm a bit at people complaining about such comments who still have their mums around.

However, with your later posts OP it's clear there are lots of issues etc and maybe an answerphone could be employed at times
you don't have to speak to her if you don't want to.

FWIW not everyone who is sad about not being able to speak to their mum any more had a great relationship with them. You can have a not great relationship but still miss chatting with them and them never meeting your dcs or whatever

YANBU. How nice for all the women who have lovely relationships with their mothers to display such a staggering lack of compassion towards you. Some of us are not so fortunate. I say far worse things about my mother, people are often horrifed...until they meet her. Lots of sympathy from me. Shame on the rest of you.

No, I am sorry but it isnt offensive to people who have lost their mums.
It may seem insensitive to people who have lost their mums but not offensive.

I will say this again, MN is full of people posting about their children. Moaning, complaining, dispairing, comparing, fretting about seemingly trivial things.

Shall i police the boards and come down on anyone who dares to make a negative comment about their daughter. Shall I say 'so she has failed her exams and is smoking skunk in your front room - AT LEAST SHES NOT DEAD!'.
Of course I shouldnt. Even if I feel like it, I shouldnt because they are not talking about my dd and their feelings are valid.

Count your blessings. I wish I could talk to my mum. She died last July at the age of 66.

Quite MrsDeV - Quite.

I could easily write a post like yours OP - my Mother delights in giving me the minutae of her day (and she does not have any interesting activities really - if she did I would be overjoyed to hear about them). She is a Widow lives alone and basically downloads her thoughts to me when I call.

I have been noticing and being irritated more recently because I am more aware that she fails completely to ask about me and the children. I would have thought that her Grandchildren would be more interesting than the shopping she got from Tesco's that day or whatever. It saddens me that I have a mother so incapable of normal conversation. I am amazed that my siblings and I have any social skills at all.

She can't help being the way she is so I am stuck feeling irritatated, sad and completely unable to change her so I have to just try and maintain what relationship I can with her and moan on forums such as these to let of steam.

As to all the my Mother died posts - my Dad died 20 years ago and I would love so much to be able to talk to him about any inconsequential shit, right now - I cannot - that does not magically make me tolerant of all my Mothers 'quirks'. Life does not work like that.

ok so it's insensitive to people who have lost their mums

and yes I do think it'd be okay to point out to people coming on here moaning about their dcs in a rude manner that they're lucky to have them and that they're alive - why not
it's one thing venting frustration - fair enough, loads of us who've lost mums hear that all the time anyway. However, if you re-read the OP it's not really venting about a troublesome relationship or whatever it seems more a rant about having to listen to the mum on the phone.
I don't think the OPs drip-feed has helped the thread.

dirtymistress I feel no shame thanks all the same and I wonder why you bother seeing your mum if you feel that way about her -it's not compulsory

bigmouth and others - have you ever thought about other options such as telling your mum how you feel or steering the conversation onto what you'd prefer to talk about or whatever? (genuine enquiry, not meaning to sound rude)