To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

Gosh that sounds hard - could he start with at least two a month? Is he around weekends at least?

YANBU - Does he want to be home, or does he feel he can't leave work at a decent time?

My DP doesn't work in finance or earn a good salary, but he works stupidly long hours and sometimes we hardly see him. We have moved to London (despite not being able to afford it) so that he can at least come home every night. If he was in the pub after work I would feel like you do, but he is at work, and hopefully the dedication will pay off and he will be promoted. We can't afford for me to be SAHM (but I don't think I would want to be), I have just finished my degree, so am looking for work, and me working full time (to only cover childcare costs at first) is going to make things even more knackering! I find that I can manage it all because he appreciates me & all that i do, if he didn't I would be incredibly bitter and pissed off I think. I find it especially hard at weekends, as he works at least one day every weekend too.

But, it's hardly a bad situation, he is working, we can pay most of the bills, he loves his job, and it will hopefully lead to much better £.

Sorry, I have rambled and can't actually remember what my point was.

Belleflowers I think you are entirely reasonable to be feeling hard done to.
I can imagine it is lonely and boring- and although you may have been fine with it- you are getting sick of it. People can change. He cannot reasonably expect that you will just be fine with it your entire life- what about school parents evenings and plays and all that stuff. Or just mealtimes?
I suppose when kids get older you can have mealtimes after 8- I have friends who do 'supper' that late.
Do you get decent holidays or other great time as a family to compensate?

What's his commute like? My DH works in the city (well, Wapping ), and is rarely home before 8pm. If he tries to get back for bedtime, he has to leave at 5.30pm, which is hard for him. I work, but part time, so I shoulder all of the childcare arrangements during the week.

Most of my friends are the same, so we're pretty much used to it. In fact, a friend of mine only sees her DH one night a week, as he works abroad. Another is on her own during the week, as her husband stays over in London. Another is in holland Monday to Thursday.

It is tough, but it's quite common. Can he ask for some flexible working? One thing my DH can do is to work from home occasionally, which helps on odd days in the holidays.

It sounds to me like he is prioritising work/ his career/ himself a bit too much. Unless he sees that he does it all for you and the dc. Can he reduce his input a little? Maintain his role and be a little less perfectionist?
Could he get another job?
If you all think the money and the job is more important than anything, then I would say you have to get on with it. But it sounds to me like you have choices.

Surely that is what it comes down to?
Work loads= earn loads of £
Work less = earn lots less £

I posted a similar thread to this in AIBU a week ago about my dh always working bank holidays.

No you are not unreasonable but I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you.I am just fed up with waiting,my life is one continual wait .Most of the time I just get on with things but occasionally it gets me down.

I once told him i was no longer going to get upset,nag, about him missing school events because actually i wasn't missing out because I was there and that the children didn't really care anymore because he was never there anyway so he was the only one losing out and if he didn't care why should we.Miraculously he turned up to said concert that afternoon .

It was short lived though ,he's never there for sports day or matches etc and rarely home before 9pm,the children are now teenagers and he is if not a stranger then certainly not a constant

I've learnt to live with it. He does his best to get home early when he can but it isn't often. He has no choice, especially with economy the way it is. He works away most weeks but never weekends and is fully involved then, TBH I'm just glad he still has a job.

dialsmavis (love that name !) but what job can a 48 year old who has a profession and has been doing that job for 30 years do?He's not going to go off and be a something else is he, realistically ?He doesn't know how to do anything else and jobs for 48 year olds are not thick on the ground

My DH doesn't usually get home before 8 - he most frequently catches a train at about 7.10.

Interestingly however, I don't consider him to be 'absent' or 'not there'. He usually gets the boys up in the morning and sees them for 20 minutes or so, and is extremely hands-on at weekends, including having them by himself Sunday afternoons so I can get some work done.

In other words despite not being here much during the week, he more than makes up for it at weekends and when he is here.

If I said I really wanted him to take a job more locally and work less hours, he would do it, but I wouldn't dream of it because he could not do the work he does anywhere other than in the City really.

Any chance you are feeling he is 'absent' because of more than just working long hours?

No, I suppose not... Part time consultancy bollox maybe?

YANBU to be fed up, same boat here . DH would love to be home earlier but work is very stressy, he leaves at 7am and is not home till 8pm quite often (7pm at the earliest, then regular late late nights). I can't offer any advice, just wanted to say you are not alone

my dh used to come home for 630- bath the kids put them to bed , have supper with me and then work at home 9-12 when the DCs were small. now he picks them up from evening activities it tonight from rugby at 8 which means he can watch a bit and chat to DS on thd way home 1 to 1

Is that one day in a working week, ie Mon-Fri, or are you talking about every day? Because that would annoy me too.

Of course it could have a great deal to do with where you live, sadly. We live in zone 2 and it takes DH about 25 minutes to cycle home everyday. His working hours are 8am to 6:30pm and he normally manages to see DD before she goes to bed at 7:30pm. I think this is pretty good!

Do you feel like he's absent mentally as well as physically? Maybe there's something deeper going on that you need to discuss with him?

OK I can envision my DH coming on to post this sort of thing. What does your DH say about this when you talk to him about it?

For me, I want to be home more. Of course I do. I miss my DS and miss getting to do all the little bits and pieces that other people who work 9-5 do, from trips out, hobbies etc and more importantly not to feel so bloody knackered all the time. We live miles from my work because it meant my DH has a 20 minute commute to work. I envy that as I trog my way round the M25. Could I guarantee that I finish on time? Not really, unexpected things happen and in certain weeks I don't come home for seven days as its not really worth it (I'd get back at midnight and have to leave at half-five). Now it hopefully won't be forever but even in senior positions I could get called in at all hours, things could happen which mean I have to stay in etc.

I love my job though, really do and can't imagine doing something else. I obviously would if my DH demanded it but I don't think it would make for a happier household.

What happens on weekends? I am guilty of just wanting to do absolutely nothing as I'm just tired. Could you afford for him to change his job? Would you be willing to downsize, change lifestyle etc? I ask this because one of my friends sat down with his DW and worked out what he could do with a more family-friendly hours, but his DW changed her mind after they looked at what his salary would drop to . I don't underestimate how crap it can be and I'm very grateful to my DH for being understanding but this is a choice we made together and the benefits of my job outweighs the negative.

What dialsmavis said.

OP - would you prefer this and maintain your current lifestyle, or for him to be home by 6 and have a different lifestyle? That's what your choices will probably be.

Does he actually like his job?

Sorry, I meant every weekday, or every day of the week including weekends?

YANBU. Same here. Not what I signed up for at all, DH has used my redundancy-enforced SAHM-dom to boost his career, and he and I both worked in a different industry when we met. He admits it may have been a mistake, but I just don't see it changing. He likes the lifestyle trappings of a high salary too much. I love our house, but could live without the other stuff. We end up spending a fortune on holidays and family time to compensate. Even then, he is glued to his Blackberry.

I don't cope with it too well, tbh. I have good weeks and bad weeks. I'm worried that our DCs are missing out. I want to go back to work myself, but who the hell would employ a mum with small kids who wants to work part-time and only in school term times .

Ultimately it's up to you whether or not you want to continue like this. Are you relying on his salary? How easy would it be for him to cut back? Do you think he wants to be at home more?
I was in a similar situation just after the birth of my first dc. I made it quite clear that it was not an option to carry on like that. I could have provided for my children myself, was prepared to separate.
DH made the changes. He still works hard, still goes away on business 5 or 6 times a year, and still misses bedtime a couple of times a week. But, he has arranged early finishes / late starts in order to do half of the school runs, works from home if dcs are ill etc He is still successful at work too, although I think he would be higher up the ladder without the changes.

Afghhh Poppy, it's annoying isn't it? No graduate employment agencies will take me on because I can only work 9-5 as it would always have to be me that is back in time to pick up from CM/nursery by 7pm.... Only being able to work 8 hours a day... I'm unemployable apparently!

Sorry OP, i sympathise i really do, but i do think you are being a little UR....

My DH works in the city (law) and his commute home, door to door is over an hour. 2-3 nights per week he is home after ten, the otehr nights i think 8pm is bloody good! If something comes up at work then all week it could be after 11 or 12. There are several occasions per month where he gets in at 12.30pm, crawls upstairs and into bed, only for the alarm to go off at 6am and for him to leave the house at 6.20am.. I agree it can be lonely, boring and quite frankly bloody hard!!

But, from your post, your DH is at work- not the pub, and therefore providing for your DC and you.

You have been together for 16 years and married for 9 so presumably knew the nature and hours of his work inside out before you had DC?

6pm!