To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

By the way I do feel very jealous and stabby when friends make comments about how hard having DC is etc etc.. when their DH is a teacher and home by 5.30 every night to help with dinner bath bed etc! So i do really feel for you!

Hmm my DH is similar (stupidly long hours, lots of work away from home, though not in finance) - I go through phases of finding it doable and then incredibly hard. DH has an office at home so if he is working at the weekend he does come in for meals with us then; equally, if he is working from home on a weekday he will take a break to eat tea with DS, and maybe put him to bed. May that be an option for your DH?
However, in terms of you coming last - I'm afraid I often feel that too, and it's really crappy. Because eg if DH DOES come in and eat with me and DS, he then goes out to the office and carries on working into the evening and I have the happy opportunity to spend yet another evening alone. I haven't worked out how to cope with this yet - I tend to get miserable and lonely and spend my time planning holidays (which are our family quality time).
This has turned into a whingeing from me, not a solution for you, sorry. But you are not alone!

Actually OP, what has helped me a little has been to find some neighbours in the same boat. There are a few "City Widows" on my street. Knowing that has been helpful - that there is someone close by in the same boat. We text each other quite a lot.

thanks all - will have to post later as off to do another bedtime...he isnt home yet and hasnt replied to my email asking him his eta

sigh

YANBU to feel this way, but honestly, I'm not sure what your partner can do about it. You knew the deal. Financial services has always been like this and it is fecking brutal at the moment. Even at my lowly level, that was my life. Luckily my DP is in a good job in another industry so I've been able to go freelance but I earn a fifth of what I used to working round school hours.

I think the key is - how 'present' is he when he's present? Not how many hours is he away, because I honestly, geniunely think he probably can't help it.

I know it's shit though -as I said, YNBU for feeling the way you do, but I don't know what can be done to change it.

My ex worked every weekend (retail). He still refuses to believe that this lack of family time had an impact on our relationship. It did though. I feel your pain OP :(

I sympathise. My DH is home about 8 on a 'normal day' but there haven't been many normal days recently. For the last month or so, he's generally been working till midnight and leaving home again at 7.30.He is fully involved at weekends and lovely when he's here, but I work 30 hours per week (in exactly the same type of job as him - different organisation) and have to do everything else.

I end up trying to catch up with work and housework when the children (2&4) are (finally) in bed but have to leave work absolutely on time to deal with childcare etc no matter what I have on.

DH does have about an hour commute - not to London, but we live very close to my work as I have to be able to do school pick ups/ fetch sick children etc.

I know he misses us and helps at the weekend but I am a bit fed up of being responsible for everything else and all the juggling. I also miss him. He's said he's going to try and work from home one day a week. I hope he does, but expect it will take him a while to get round to it.

Neither of us are in finance btw. DH does earn a nice salary, but I think I deal with the absence by spending slightly more of the salary than I really should - when I'm bored and close to an online checkout.

Mavis "unemployable" is the word. We are overqualified for admin work, but can't work the hours for more demanding jobs.

We should all join forces and set up a company where we can all job-share and use our wasted brain-power and energy. We'd be invincible.

Sorry, slightly off-topic!

Principality are we married to the same man!?
One of dh's colleagues has a pregnant wife with a good career and I almost want to ring her up and prepare get but of course I won't .

All the people saying she should be happy for her dh to get a lesser paid job ,I reiterate where are hear jobs?

Sorry "where are these jobs?"

azazello yup me too...am currently trying to sell all my bored/compensation purchases on eBay.

I think that if you marry a man who is climbing the trad greasy pole (finance, law, accountancy) and you have a trad set up (you schlep around various farflung locations while they pursue their career and you and your children adapt), then that's the bargain you make.

I am assuming your DH earns at least 100k? To be blunt, if you want a husband that comes home earlier, don't make a pact with Mammon.

More practically, I grew up in that kind of household and the best thing I can advise you to do is to find something to do that stimulates you. Get a job, volunteer, get a life outside of being a mother and corporate wife. Do something for you. :)

Another thing, OP, is that I found it does get easier as the children get older. There is more juggling, and you become a bit of a taxi service, but somehow the daily drudge and boredom eases. I actually quite enjoy my independence now when DH is at work (not expecting him before midnight tonight!)

I hope these men don't regret it, it's not something I'd do.

m.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying?cat=lifeandstyle&type=article

Sorry but that sounds normal in that kind of job, especially if he has a commute. I used to work on a trading floor (in a support role) and it was usual for people to not leave before 7. It is not the most family-friendly industry, and most people with children had either an at-home wife or a nanny taking care of things at home. I doubt many of them were ever 'home for tea' or saw much of their kids during the week.

It's the deal you make though, because they were certainly very well paid compared to the average. There's always the option of looking for a job with shorter or more flexible hours, but that would likely mean a much lower salary, so less financial security for you and the children, less to invest in their future etc. Sadly you can't have it both ways.

Looking at this from another perspective - i assume his job is quite stressful and by coming home that late he possibly avoids an extra stress in the form of battling through london during rush hour.

to be honest if i had to work in london i'd be coming home late too after my joyful experience this week!

Have you spoken to him about it?

outtolunchagain Maybe we are, and he is not at the office at all.... !

You are exactly right about people saying he should reduce his hours... not really possible... and in our situation even if he did I don't think he wouil last long. He could, in theory try and move to a local firm... but he would lose 50% of his salary which we can't afford to do...

What REALLY sucks is in addition to the long hours, because we had our DC quite young, he is very junior, so not on the enormous salary so I can't do all of this retail therapy other thread members suggest! We have a very strict budget, and one luxury- private school for DS1 and eventually for DS2, whilst living in a small terraced house, no holidays and drive a banger...

I can't afford the retail therapy either...hence selling it all on eBay .

Am currently dealing with DH's absence with some . Also not good/healthy.

Well I haven't seen mine for almost 2 weeks now, and that's not unusual. This time it's Europe, other times it can be US, Europe and Asia back to back. How do I cope? Well, I just do, because I have to, and frankly it's a hell of a lot worse for him. He is the one working the hideous hours, doing the commute, travelling and spending the time he is at home getting over jet lag.

Cut him some slack, the poor bloke is probably knackered.

Are you sure he's genuinely at work and not in the pub? Every day? City types tend to drink a lot. I'm sure they tell their partners they are hard at work, but the bar takings around the City and Canary Wharf suggest that's not true of every single person every single day...

It's not a competition gomow and if it was I would've won as mine has been away for 2½ weeks with 1½ still to go :o

The fact that yours has been away longer doesn't really help the OP does it? And I think she's said that she has "coped" for many years with it now.

She just wants one evening a week to be not quite so late. Not a lot to ask imo

move nearer to work, so his commute is less, but I am sure you enjoy the income that his very well paid job brings in...

I would have more sympathy for women whose husbands are in the forces and are away for much longer, on a lot less money.

I;m really sorry for you OP - I miss my DH when he is on late shifts in the evening. He works, generally good hours 2 weeks of 8 - 4 and 1 week of 4 - 11 and he is not allowed to bring work home. We see each other lots but he earns around £15,000 and it will stay like that in his line of work (charity). I've just been made redundant and feeling a little worried but you have reminded me how lucky we are.

I wonder if he was offered a job at £30,000 if he did more hours would we take it. i.d liek tot hink not but maybe...

The thing with the large salaries is that often companies flog you for it. There are very few well paying jobs which are easy peasy.

So OP, in the current climate if you are like you said just grateful he has a job then now is probably not the right time to force the issue. Maybe plant the seed that once the economy picks up and as he's getting older, he may want something with less pressure?

The other thing of course is that as your income grows, often so does your outgoings. So if your DH did lose his job then how easy will it be for him to get a comparable salary? I bet if your DH was here, he'd be arguing that he is working every hour God sends so that he can provide for you & the kids.

To be honest there must be a compromise somewhere and I certainly don't think you are unreasonable. God knows I'd hate to never have dinner with my kids as it's very important to me. But at the same time you have to pick the battles you want to fight and also when to fight them.