To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

I completely agree claude I tend to think that people who say as you aren't the junior anymore then you can just leave, have no real experience of what a job like this involves, the responsibility is massive.

we are in the opposite position to the op, dh earns 20k and is home every night and all weekends, he does loads with the kids and they really love it

sometimes i complain that we havent been abroad for ages or we havent got this or that, but after reading this thread, i realise dh being here so much for the kids is worth more than a big pension and spare cash every month

op, your kids grow up so fast and once they get to 13/14/15 they don't want to hang about with you or their dad too much, they love to hang around with their friends then, so mum and dad take a back seat from then on...although they still need you of course...what I'm saying badly is, if you can get dh to change a bit to spend more time with his kids when they are young then you should, the young years go so fast and in ten yrs when he is ready to cut back on hours and spend more time at home he may find his kids have other plans....

Dozer, interesting post. To cut a long story short, I have a very good job and get paid extremely well but I categorically don't do it for the money, I do it for the intellectual satisfaction, to do justice to my brain and education and because I thrive on the idea that people value my professional skills. I am in line this year for the most significant promotion of my career...but I am also pushing 39 and know that it's a really bad idea to leave having DC a minute longer. I feel utterly between a rock and a hard place, and would even say that a large part of my relationship with DP is bound up in my "work" identity and his pride in my achievements. (I feel the same about his). I didn't put off family for career on purpose, just never met the right guy until DP about a year and a half ago.

To be effective at the level to which I am in line to be promoted there is no possibility of shorter hours and working from home is not really all that effective - all those people who are able to work at home are really lucky not to have a job that requires access to mountains of hard copy papers - so unlikely to be able to make a good business case for it. But, and here's the crunch, DP does a similar type job and he'd have exactly the same issues as I would about giving up his job to be there for the children.

I was also interested in what Shake said abut simply MAKING it work. Maybe I do just need to become ruthlessly organised and all these years of doing the job with no external demands on my time has made me inefficient. But the problem is my performance is measured not only by results but by time spent (you can probably guess what I do) so there's only so far I can increase my efficiency without missing time targets and bringing in less money for the firm.

This is a bit of a hijack of a thread, but it was prompted by me thinking what I'd be like if I was in the OP's DP's position, and how it really does come down to the fact that one parent has to take the career hit, but that there is more to the decision that simply working out whether as a couple you can afford to do it.

Robin - yes, you make valid points, as in you are at the top of your game, you have success on a plate, through your own hard work and to have DC's thrown into that level of efficiency and reward which you currently enjoy (quite rightly deserved too!) would be a BIG change to your lifestyle.

I couldnt get my head around leaving my DC's with strangers all day - some people can do this, others like me just cant do it. Instincts? irrational? probably!

I have just come back from a doctor's appt to finally sort out my PND and anxiety issues, mainly my irrational fears about anything tragic happening to DH on one of his global trips, or the car crashing while I'm driving the DCs to school along country roads)

Completely irrational I know, but now on anxiety medication, and monthly consultations with a pyschologist at his clinic.

So lucky to have found this doctor who is walking distance from our house.

So, yes, rambling, to say, I cannot just expect my DH to drop it all, as he is so close to achieving his career goals and he supports us all. And loves his work! if he hated it, THEN i would want major changes happening.

While he can do this and be present more at weekends and help on the occasional morning at home, this input however small, for now means more to me than anything, as yes, I have decided to cut him some slack, to keep us on a communicative and supportive level to each other.

Obviously I need to work on keeping it going, but now he knows that he was slipping, he is fully supportive of me too, my anxiety issues, and the role I play in running things behind the scenes.

Going to look into freelance work and my art to keep my mind at rest too.

But yes, still sad that as soon as DCs come into a picture, then female progress career wise so often gets shaken up. (That's my inner feminist having a rant)

I gave up work completely as I didn't want to leave ds with anyone else and Dh can earn so much more money than me it seemed daft for me to work and pay all my wages to someone to look after ds. As long as the money comes in we're not that bothered which one of us earns it - if I could earn enough then I would be earning and dh would be at home.

Your fears are the same as I had when ds was little and still have to a certain extent - goes hand in hand with PND - which I also had - crap innit?

It's hard but you make it work because as someone said earlier, these jobs are 'all or nothing' there isn't much in -between.

I remind myself that while money isn't everything it is very nice to feel financially secure and I/we would feel a whole lot worse if we were stressed about money.

plus, wonderful new GP has suggested that DH can be given a 'sicknote' if he needs to get home or take time to support me, as technically his work is having an impact on my mental health. So that is reassuring. Doubt he will EVER use it though

Did I miss the bit where you said you had PND?
The irrational anxiety bit - must be 'leaking' over to your general feelings about DP working so much. My DH had this sort of thing to the extent it was badly affecting his life, he went for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I can't recommend it enough, it has quite literally changed his life.

It can also help you see that you do have choices, eg your post about childcare above.

i had a similar high stress unpredictable job in accounting firm earning fab money. I used to hear wives phoning their other halves demanding them to come home. Believe me they often wanted to go home but client came first. In those cases it did not help the stress levels to have someone phoning every five minutes demanding they leave the office. I have also seen the situation where men don't want to go home, do child stuff, domestic stuff etc. They felt it was enough to be the breadwinner. I personally couldn't cope with the guilt at not seeing my children, permanent exhaustion and huge juggling act that my life turned into. So I resigned. I am now SAHM and I try not to pressure my husband when I know he is working to provide for us all. So I think you need to work out what his real motivation is for not coming home and doing all these hours... and whether you can live with that.

Perhaps he has no motivation, perhaps that's just what the job demands, it certainly sounds like it. He might have no choice.

thanks Wilson & Valium - so similar to my current situation

Lucysmum - thanks, yes, can see what you mean. His motivation is clear, he is 3 away from the top job, happy with himself with his challenge to do well and why not?! He is an intelligent man, and I will support him to get there. He is making a start with the whole GESTURES thing, supporting us whenever he sees us, ie breakfast time once a week looks like it will be a good start. Thankfully, I have never phoned him at work and done a fishwife rant over the phone to get him home earlier...not my style!

I agree but I think what I am saying is does he want to come home but feels he has to do the hours or does he really not want to do the domestic stuff. If you really want/need to leave early/on time you can usually make it happen at least occasionally eg Fridays in summer, quieter weeks around bank holidays when a lot of people are away etc. I had colleagues who used these opportunities to spend time with family while others saw it as a chance for a long lunch/extended session in the pub....

sorry that was in reply to valium - x post

meant to say, he is 'starting' to makee a start with the gestures thing, so will see

like I said, he LOVES his work, being responsible for it, doing a good job. He was winning reading competitions at a very early age, so is just made that way I suppose.

but my GP did point out that I need to not keep saying things are fine to DH when inside they arent what I ever thought our lives would be like. So with a combination of my medication, therapy sessions to get rid of my self critical voice (which dr identified immediately) and more gestures from DH on a daily basis, whenever he can, then all will be ok.

Have to remember that it is so much better dealing with this here, rather than overseas, so that is a plus at least. I had many years of his absence through work with 2 under 2, in a foreign land, so at least being here nearer my support networks is helping.

I have phoned and done a fishwife down the phone - only once

maybe I should post this in another section but GP has prescribed Lexapro - havent taken it yet, was planning to take it before bedtime as it states on box it can make you sleepy

but have just googled it and there are loads of comments on how it really makes people numb,drowsy, lose memory etc

anyone offer any advice?

Hi Belleflowers... I love these kind of threads, as the lovely Mumsnetters have been spot on with their advice (and not a troll to be seen!)
Anyhoo, I'm so glad you've talked to your hubby, and so glad you're more positive about things. Sorry I can't help with Lexapro... maybe start another thread with that one?
All the best with everything! xxxx

Belle - have just read the whole thread and am really pleased at the support you've had and the recent response from your DH. I was going to post a few thoughts from my own experience but then saw your last post...

As a pharmacist, can I reassure you that this treatment is worth trying. Those side effects are possible but not inevitable. This is one of the newer ADs and the incidence of side effects is less. You can expect - though not always - to feel some side effects in the first couple of weeks as your body adjusts to the medication. This often includes nausea and headaches. For many peoe they are happy to have 2 weeks of this for the benefit longer term. These are not inevitable side effects though and some people only experience them for a few days. Would it be possible to talk to your DH about the Meds and extra emotional & practical support you may need initially, explaining to him the overall benefit?
Also do you have a friend you could confide in and ask for support? I have a friend who recently started taking ADs and I would text her a couple of times a day with support & encouragement whilst her body adjusted in the first couple of weeks. Things have settled down for her now.

Feel free to PM me if you want more info.

SES - so reassured thank you, reassured that as a pharmacist have read my post. I will take the med as prescribed, as I really need extra 'help' out of my constant analysing and criticism of every decision I make, or action. It is exhausting me! I understand I'll put up with side effects for up to 4 weeks, but if not working, my GP will assist.

Will also warn DH that the meds could do now do strange things to our relationship due only to my behaviour, if I dont react well, so poor guy wont know what is going on and after discussing it at length on here, and figuring out with all your help what is the problem

Guessing I'll need reminding from you all in a few weeks if I'm back here complaining about a DH who is working longer than ever (this time to keep far away from a wife on side effects of mental medication!)

can't win!

belle, your gp sounds great!

Just to second what was said about giving the news a really good go - at least a month and side affects can wear off quickly so persevere x

thanks valium, have to say I know i shouldnt expect miracles after only one tablet, maybe it's in my head, but today I woke with a much clearer head, a calmer manner dealing with the usual morning chaos. Not sure if it could possibly have helped so quickly, but I'm hopeful.

I think just being listened to by my GP, another adult if you like, has validated me in ways I never thought possible. I clearly have issues with being 'ignored' yet 'well raised' as a child, but still effectively ignored. So I carry on with everyday life never really thinking my voice needs to be heard, then when I need to use it to sort out mega stress, it seems like the hardest thing in world to do. I think I've adapted my behaviour for about 25 yrs to please those around me, and I will only now start to unlearn than behaviour.

sorry bit of a thread hijack, but yes, it's all linked to how I manage family life here with the absent but lovely DH!

Never underestimate the power of having chat with an understanding GP and making a plan forward, that alone will help incredibly.

How have things been going Belleflowers?

oh SESthebrave - you are kind to think of me and ask

Things very much improved thank you, lovely weekend, with DH taking kids off my hands this morning for ages, lovely family day out yesterday, nice evening at home together last night, good chats, laughs, and he cooked a mega roast dinner this evening, even helped with dishes and tidy up and bathtime afterwards. And put both kids to bed.

Tablets kicking in, no nasty side effects so far since I started on Thursday. They give me an initial numbness from head to toe, not dissimilar to the effect of an alcoholic drink, possibly not as strong, then I sleep so well. But the main difference is that the next day I dont feel my nerve endings fry up when the kids are noisy, or are trying to push my buttons. I seem to have acquired a clear and calm outlook, with more energy to spend more meaningful moments with the children. I dont seem to be spending my minutes worrying about as many things which could and probably wont happen. Although it's still early days, I am so grateful to my GP right now

I've even done some ironing, that's how organised and energised I feel

Ironing? Don't go over board belle

Glad things are improving :)