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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

226 replies

Belleflowers · 15/05/2012 18:52

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 15/05/2012 20:49

Thanks. My DH has been trying to find another job since we talked about it before Christmas and I started sobbing in front of DCs.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/05/2012 20:53

Belle - do you outsource domestic stuff and make time to do fun stuff for yourself?

Also - do you and DH go out together much at the weekend. I find its very important for my relationship for us to out for dinner fairly regularly to properly talk and not just slump in front of the tv on a fri/sat night.

I'd also be having a serious talk with him about how you're feeling and also how he's feeling. Does he enjoy the hours he works or does he feel under pressure?

holleyshiftwell · 15/05/2012 20:55

OP I am so sorry you are feeling like that, it sounds very lonely and as if you are unappreciated. You should definitely try and let your DH know how you are feeling - how do you think he would respond if you suggested some small things he could do that would start to help improve things, like a few texts during the day, making sure he is 'there' at weekends and so on?

Original poster
Belleflowers · 15/05/2012 20:55

is it a generally male thing - awful of me to generalise based on gender - but is he compartmentalising his life, and just sees it as work and us?

because it's clearly unbalanced, and as some of you have helpfully suggested, he doesnt seem willing to stop/downsize/quit

he hates quitters, generally. not in a malicious way, he just seems to have SILENT plans or ambition he chooses not to share with me

I managed to get him to talk at the weekend, and he said he was happy with his workload, he prefers to be busy, he loves deadlines, likes his colleauges and is generally trying to do a good job

meanwhile, back at the ranch...

OP posts:
Principality · 15/05/2012 20:57

OP I wouldn't worry too much about the children... everyone thinks their family is normal when they are little! I would just make them aware that "daddy is at work, getting pennies"- That is the mantra in our house.... although my two year old now seems to think he pounds the streets looking for spare change.... And then when they are older they will understand the situation and hopefully be grateful for the hard work and sacrafices your DH has made to give them a nice lifestyle.

FWIW, my dad also worked long crazy hours when i was a child. He is now a senior partner at a law firm in the city, but he only started there as a very junior lawyer the year I was born. He put in every hour he could, plus lots of overseas trips as was necessary with his work, regularly for several weeks at a time. When he was home, he was very hands on and I adored him. He is about to retire in the next few years and is at the top of his game, being one of the leading experts in the world in his very specialised area. I am incredibly proud of what he has achieved and eternally grateful that he worked so hard to provide for our family.

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:58

If you have to decide if you can continue to put up with this.
f not, then tell him and ask if he can do something else (this is not the same as quitting)

KlickKlackknobsac · 15/05/2012 20:59

thats lovely principality

Original poster
Belleflowers · 15/05/2012 21:00

*sorry - spelling - colleagues.

Holley- yes you hit the nail, tbh I just want some ATTENTION from him throughout what is a VERY long day - whether he rings me for 2 mins or whatever

He isnt flirtatious with other females, he is shy, obv just wants to work hard and thinks it's ok to do so

then come home tooo late and do it all again next day

just rubbish

I guess I'm starting to resent just how much I've put on hold in my career so that his can progress (my degree was languages, his was finance related) so practically yes it is logical to go with the main breadwinner etc

but if i was working such long hrs, i'd be bringing flowers, texting, emailing to make sure other half was ok with the kids all day..l

as I've said to him many times, ANYTHING could have happened in our day, and he'd never know (saw a really attractive male friend today on my walk and my goodness he is available and v handsome)

awful of me!!!! help!!!

OP posts:
DowagersHump · 15/05/2012 21:02

It does sound miserable and it's not a life I would want. What do you want to to happen? Tell your DH to walk away from his (meteoric) career? Or put up with it for a few more years when he can take his foot off the throttle a bit? I think you need to talk to him about how unhappy you are - it doesn't sound like any fun for you or your DC and I know that when I was a teenager I just felt that my dad threw cash at any problem with his kids when all we really wanted was his time. :(

Once you're at the top, you can have a bit more flexibility IME although I know loads of high fliers with kids who absolutely insist that they leave work on time/early one day a week and are still very successful. It might not be possible where he is working at present but some companies are a lot more tolerant that (gasp!) their senior people actually have families. And also, I've found that the more confident people are, the more they are prepared to put their foot down. If your DH is doing as well as you've said, he really ought to be in a position to call the shots at least once in a while.

Finally, I think some people just get into the habit and also feel that the business will collapse if they're not there (it won't).

Original poster
Belleflowers · 15/05/2012 21:04

principality - thankyou - made me giggle about your two year old but also good to see how proud you are of your father after all his hrs amd years working up the ladder

good to hear how it can turn out to be a positive story, I know he is just ambitious, but he needs to pay more attention to me as I am losing interest, clearly, if his work is a priority, then I'm not. so why do I need to put up with being effectively ignored?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 15/05/2012 21:04

If you're not happy, you're not happy. And no amount of 'well, didn't you know this before you had kids' is going to change that - yes, you probably did know but it's now that it is wearing you down.

I used to live with someone like this, pre-kids, and it made me very unhappy, fwiw.

All you can do is make it very clear how unhappy you are. I think, though, that you should first decide whether you'd be prepared to divorce him or not over it - as bibbetty says upthread, you'd end up pretty well where you are at the moment, so it's not as if you'd suffer financially - and otherwise where your ultimatum lies.

TangerinePuppet · 15/05/2012 21:05

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary Envy

YAB a teensy bit UR

My DP earns just above minimum wage which means I have to go out and work in the evenings after looking after DD all day in order for us to survive. I am wankered tired.

You can't have it all Sad

motherinferior · 15/05/2012 21:06

Do you work?

Original poster
Belleflowers · 15/05/2012 21:07

dowagers - you have hot nail on the head - exactly - he is not the junior boy anymore, he should be able to just leave...

and while I remember, I asked him at weekend did he have to stay at work so long after 5pm, he said he got more work done if he stayed while it was in his head...

so yes, sounds like he is just being selfish

but i am clearly narked!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 15/05/2012 21:07

Ah, I see you're not working. Well, is that part of it? Because another option is a job and paid childcare. For you. If you're feeling that this backup role is the only one you occupy.

Original poster
Belleflowers · 15/05/2012 21:09

i dont work atm as youngest is 3 and no family support near us, plus he is away for days in global locations at a weeks notice, so kids are with me, for now. no domestic help, no nanny. i do generally want to be their present mother, since i figure he is so absent

i think i hear him, he's home now 9.10pm lol

OP posts:
Gumby · 15/05/2012 21:10

It does sound more about the fact that he neglects you rather than the hours he works
The bringing you flowers, coffee in bed etc
All little things that Show you he loves you

Gumby · 15/05/2012 21:12

If you can afford it maybe get a cleaner, put kids in crèche or play group once a week & have some me time - haircut, coffee with a friend etc

SeventhEverything · 15/05/2012 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiorentina · 15/05/2012 21:20

Looking at this issue from the perspective of someone who works these long hours, leaving at 7am and returning after 8pm due to commutes, it is a hard situation.

I work in a senior mangement role in the city and my DH looks after our son.. I am efficient at my job, I work smartly and do delegate but the nature of the role means long hours, after a day of meetings I get my 'work' done after 6pm.

I have negotiated working from home one day per week, it gives me more time in the morning and evening to spend with DH and Ds on that day. It hasnt impacted my role but I know some companies still aren't into that way of working.

I don't work long hours to avoid being with my family but to support them, help develop my career and build our future. I'm sure your husband is doing the same. I do feel incredible pressure to keep my job as the only breadwinner. Doesn't make it easier for the partner at home though and I sympathise with the loneliness.

SundaeGirl · 15/05/2012 21:22

Can you go and meet him one evening? Could you fix it up so that someone came and put the DC to bed and you went and met him in the City and went for dinner/out (with clients if absolutely nec) so that you had some attentive couple time?

He could go back to his desk at the end of it if there was something big on but it might give you a little of what you sound like you are craving.

DowagersHump · 15/05/2012 21:24

You need to Have Words. He really can leave work earlier some days but he sounds fairly addicted. I used to be like that before I had kids. I can imagine that if you have a wonderful wife and mother to your kids at home then you have less incentive to wean yourself off the work addiction.

You need to be very clear that he must prioritise you and the kids at least some of the time. Particularly as he's working at the weekend too. And if you're looking elsewhere, that really isn't good! Have you told him that? I think you should

seeingstars · 15/05/2012 21:31

Can/would you be able to get help with the DCS? Smile My DH works what i consder long hours, 7-7 and I have 3 children, pregnant with number 4. But my pre-schooler goes to nursery for some of the time which helps.Smile

Sparks1 · 15/05/2012 21:38

I've come to the conclusion the whole thing is pish.

I used to do 4 am to 7 pm with a sizeable commute to london at least 6 days a week.

I'm currently looking for positions in Scotland. I cannot bloody wait. Life really is too short. Even if i have to work away during the week it'll be worth it.

An equitable deal for employees is as good as dead with most firms. And i'm not playing ball anymore! As long as bills are paid i'm happy.

CurrySpice · 15/05/2012 21:39

I think Sundaegirl's idea is genius!