To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

If you don't like it, get him to work fewer hours, change jobs and downsize. That might mean downsizing on the house or you having to go out to work. Strangely, when this is suggested, I see women often backing down. The nice house and lifestyle is worth more to them than having their husband around more often in slightly straitened circumstances.

"Oh when we worked out the finances, we couldn't afford it." Sure you could. WHat you mean is that you couldn't afford to maintain your comfortable lifestyle on less dosh.

Am in similar dilemma. A commute has made it much worse.

A lot depends on "the deal" between you, but these things creep up.

DC1 is a crunch time because if the woman gives up work the economics can quickly become such that his job /salary becomes essential (and she cannot easily pick up her own career because she is expected to cover all the childcare etc).

Could he work part time & you get a job?

My husband works for a very large UK bank on good salary

He works flexi hours and is always home by between 5 and 6pm for amily dinner time

He has a secure home office provided so he can log on whenever need be and works from home every other Friday

I too work (4 days) earn good salary and am also home no later than 6pm. I also work from home or day per week.

I have lots of friends whom have similar set ups .

My point is this - in this day and age with technology coupled with revised attitudes in the workplace, senior people can make their jobs work round family life much much better, both men and women. I am quite frankly shocked at the hrs / absence on this post of many partners and frankly some of it sounds like excuses / being selfish. I get travel abroad and that is a different matter.

Am a little speechless actually.

My dh works in retail, so is home after 8 most days, works one day at the weekend, although does have a day off in the week whilst the kids are at school. And has to work every bank holiday and boxing day.

I wouldn't mind if got paid loads but it's a job and we have to be thankful for that.

My DH is rarely home before the children's bedtime in the week and barely sees them from monday through to Friday.

But its fine - I'm a SAHM and do the children's stuff and he sees plenty of them at the weekend.

But what works for us doesn't work for others I appreciate that.

However if he's going to doing those type of hours for the foreseeable which are pretty common amongst my group of friends - you either need to accept them or look at totally changing your lifestyle so he moves to a job on less £££ with less hours (if such a thing is possible to find).

Also did you know his job when you married him?

My friend moans about her husband working weekends but he was doing the job since he was 17, she knew what he did when she married him

Fandango - my DH has his own business and clients who do not stop work at 5.30pm - you work the hours you need too sometimes. Particularly when you know you are responsible for a lot of other people's salaries.

Fandango, please reveal these great jobs and locations in UK, and your qualifications. Am

Also at your shocked and judgmental tone. Most people would prefer not to work long hours, they feel they have to to keep their jobs.

Of course I get that hence hoe office. As clients don't stop at 5.30 they are also around after 7.30 when the kds have gone to bed.... That's my point

We would never get away with not being around and clocking off and big corporations recognise this and offer flexibility to keep talent

Poor op, your post is precisely the reason why I tend not to envy women whose partners are city high flyers earning a humungous salary. What a life you don't really have.

My dh is a self-employed workaholic on a high but not huge salary. His hours are unpredictable and difficult to work around and it has caused us, and is causing us, tremendous problems in our relationship. But he does see a lot of the children and usually gets home by 8pm about 3 nights a week (if not staying away somewhere).

I feel for you.

Agree with mrsschadenfreude.

Dozer we work in London one in banking one in marketing for large / global companies

We are degree educated

Don't know why you are so surprised frankly amongst our peers tha work set up is fairly normal

Pls be sure to understand we do not stop working at 5pm but that our companies are flexible in how we work.

It is not the fucking dark ages and I am not being judgemental. I am suprised

How do you suppose op is going to "tell" her dh to downsize and earn less money? You make it sound like that is an easy thing to do!

Had just written a huge post but lost it all

starting again

basically

• he was junior when I married him, now he is 3 posts away from the top job, global firm

• Main issue is I have started to wonder how much I matter, and that if he cant even be arsed texting me or emailing throughout the day (had a go about this about 6mths ago) then what is going on?

• feeling very unloved..he is home late so often, away before we wake, no he is not out socialising, he is not the most sociable of people, he just clearly wants to do well and prove himself and prob just thinks oh e wife is fine with it

• but i have started to really enjoy attention from random males - not in a dodgy way, but if a shopkeeper, barista, doctor, window cleaner can be chatty, engaged, human and attractive all at once, I do wonder what if...clearly I need to sort it out with DH, that his work while I realise is busy etc, at what cost

But if he were a garbage man, coming home at 4pm taking kids for tea and the park, would our lives be lovelier? I do indeed think yes, as I dont even spend his slaary half the time as just cant get my head around spending his money, even though he is of the whats mine is yours/ buy what you need mentality, bless him

eugh

feeling v confused, as know he is clearly busy and stresseed but for how long am i supposed to just give him sympathy, when I myself have beeen doing 14hr days or whatever with the kids, running the house

nevermind the anxiety issues I have with him suddenly never coming back

ffs

hate sounding like such a wimp

thank you all so much, means a lot to know I'm not the only one with a similar situation

Fandango - I have a similar set up to your DH but I now it's far from the norm even in banking. I earn about 50k - ymmw as to whether that's a good salary, but if I want to move up, I'd need to be conspicuously 'on the treadmill', so less home working and more face time in London.

Also, the firm I work for is known for its low salaries, so again I could get more at the same grade by going elsewhere, but would probably have to give up some of the flex / home-working rtc.

Choices...but then in the current market, many people won't have the choice to move in either direction.

Well, that work set up sounds like it works well for you, but not everyone in london has it like that. And on this thread we're mainly talking about well-paid, graduate jobs.

Plenty of people on low wages work v long hours for much less return.

My DH hates the fact that he is not around much during the week. He usually leaves at 6:30am for 2-hour commute to London and is usually home about 10pm, although there have been weeks when he gets back at 1 or 2am - so for us, getting home at 8pm would be amazing!

So he sometimes sees the children for 20 mins in the morning if they wake up early, but otherwise he doesn't see them during the week.
I work part-time and also do everything at home, all childcare, shopping, bills etc etc.
There is no way in his current role and at his current level that he would be able to work flexibly or from home, as suggested above - if you are working in a service industry you have to be there when your clients want you.
But on the positive side he doesn't often work at the weekends, and he gets 5 weeks paid holiday.
It's not a great situation - as I said, DH really, really misses the kids and they miss him too. I have completely put my career on hold as there is no way I could go back to my old job.
But we try hard to make the weekends special, DH always gets up with them on Sat and Sun mornings, and makes a huge effort. He is definitely 'present' when he is at home - and I know he appreciates everything I do.
At the moment we are just grateful he has a relatively secure job that pays a decent salary. Hopefully in a few years he might be able to move to a role closer to home with less crazy hours.
I have felt reassured reading this thread, as where we live most dads are home by 6pm, and I think our arrangements are considered a bit weird - it's nice to know that there are others out there in similar positions!

Belle flowers that's sad I am sorry you feel like that how lonely
Hope you can work it all out

My DH does do work-related socialising probably two nights a week. One night will be letting off steam with colleagues or clients. One night will be networking with of colleagues, which I tolerate because it is how he's landed the past 2 or 3 jobs he's had.

I don't want to speak for the OP, but in my case this (DH working long hours) was categorically not the deal. We were career equals when we started out.

As for the work and travel being tiring/stressful. Well, I used to work very long hours and jet-set a LOT when I worked, not at all glamorous, fulfilling, and not particularly financially rewarding in my case. BUT I still found it easier than raising my DCs now. I appreciate this isn't true for all.

Its sounds rotten Belleflower.

Have you considered divorcing him? He is a wealthy man and your years of being the sahm would ensure a secure financial future for you and your dc.

OP, that sounds hard. Reckon you need to work out what you would like things to be like, and maybe talk it through in counselling or something? If either / both of you are unhappy with the status quo then some negotiation / change may be needed.

Poppy, your situation sounds hard too, and tbh your DH sounds like he's taking the piss re the socialising on top. If you didn't sign up for it and don't like it, perhaps try to change it?

OP, is he allowed to phone/text? I've been to my DH's office and they are not allowed their mobiles on the floor (signs up saying so). He definitely phones/texts much less than he used to, but that's why.

He also texts or emails rather than phones as he doesn't want to wake DCs from naps.

my DS seems to have figured out his dad's weird work schedule so woke at 5am today, ready for the day, an I have a shower with you dad and watch you iron your shirt before you go to work? (I dont/wont/cant iron his stuff, even after all this time. He isnt bothered either as prob realises he does a better job himself anyhow)

so yeah, kids are becoming aware of it, but i keep them happy and busy so hoping they still grow up with good childhood memories, and the absent father thing doesnt feature much

weekends - he works usually one day a weekend, either in the office or here, and he always gets a lie in on saturday and or sunday, depending on my mood lol

just wish he would even bring me a coffeee in bed soemtimes before i wake

sigh

just feel sad it seems so isolating

money aint everything, clearly