To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

He hasn't been asked to 'radically downsize'. The OP just wants him to see his family a bit more.

Also, it's not worth saying to the OP 'oh well that the type of man you married, you must have wanted the lifestyle' because they got together 16 yrs ago. Don't most of us change what we want when we have DC?

Of course we do, but it's not that easy. Once you're on the career path for a certain profession it's very difficult to get off or change just because things have changed in your life.

And yes the DH has had a break his whole domestic life bit wasn't that the deal? He goes out and earns money? It just sounds to me like he's doing his bit. A lot of fathers (and mothers for that) can't get home until well after bedtime. It's a real shame but it's just life. Very few can have it all.

Well, it looks like 'the deal' might well involve affairs in the future at this rate. Probably time to renegotiate.

Your life sounds similar to mine at the moment, Belle, and it's pretty grim sometimes. The money DH is now earning has made life so much easier compared to when he was a PhD student and we were getting by on my salary and his stipend but, god, does he earn it!

It is lonely and I find the hardest hours are those last hours between about 5-8pm when I'm shattered from taking care of DS (7 months and on a sleep strike) and would love to just be together with DH, cooking dinner in our kitchen like we used to when we had more time, having a glass of wine together, chatting about our day. It is really not an ideal way to live, although I know it suits some. I don't know if DH and I can do it long-term but it's bearable for the next few years I hope.

One thing that I try to do is update him throughout the day with what DS and I are up to, just sharing pictures with him on Instagram or e-mails so he can see what we're doing as he really misses DS. We also instant message each other as much as we can. There are days when I don't hear from him at all though because he is just too absorbed in work and I do start to get resentful about that. He knows I hate not hearing from him at all so he's making the effort at the moment to stay in touch.

Can you talk to your DH about how you're feeling and ask him to start making more of an effort with his home life? Tell him you appreciate how hard he works of course but that you don't think it will work for you long-term. Maybe look into planning ahead a few years to set a deadline for him to downsize his life a bit or for you to go back to work so you get out more too. We've set ourselves an unofficial deadline of him staying in his current job for a maximum of 3 years and then finding a more senior position with a less infamously workaholic company where he can manage his hours better.

My dh is never home before 8pm. I also work full-time. No family near.

He is currently in Afghanistan - and has been for 5 months. You just have to cope!

Good luck.

Further to my other message, my husband loves his job- he could do a similar job outside London but I know he would hate it so if he were to change he would be home for bathtime but would be less satisfied. the fact is he has to work so it might as well be good. I feel lucky he loves it as there are too many people who work their tits off in a job they hate. I hope your dp likes his job, if he doesn't that is hard on both of you and there may be room to negotiate a new role elsewhere. It is hard but I think you've done it this long- next week you'll get back in your groove and it won't feel so daunting. I also send dh a list of parents Eve's/ assemblies and club watching weeks when we get the dates in september so he can take leave etc. it'll all work out in the end!

And of course I hope to be going back to work in that timeline as well although that will depend on visa status.

I don't think I can hack more than a year or two of the SAHM life! No offense to long-term SAHMs but I find it very isolating... even with mother & baby groups, classes etc.

I don't think they push themselves for fun but I do think they can get a kick out of it ,dh hates most of the really late stuff now he has been doing it for so long but there is no doubt that when he does these epic meetings (40 hours straight last week)he gets an adrenalin rush,but the difference is now he knows it's not healthy .

I must admit that on a normal working day I do not expect him to call me ,other than to say he is on the way home,but if he is away for long periods I do expect him to check in at least once in 24 hours even if he has to use going to the loo as cover to do it.He now often Emails or texts .My argument is that if he has time to check in with his office he has time to check in with me

I really do think it is a case of the grass being greener.

I've been with DH for almost 12 years. He's an academic and while he doesn't make the money that many of the high-rolling City workers can make, he puts in similar hours. He is forever working on publishing the next article, flying all over the world meeting with research collaborators, giving lectures, swimming under a mound of paperwork, etc. He loves what he does, and spent years in post-graduate education training for it, but it takes up a lot of time.

I've come to accept that this is the life that we've been given. We moved abroad 2 years ago to further DH's academic career, which left me to give up my own career. I've gone through the emotions of resentment, bitterness, loneliness..none of which are productive. It was only when I started carving out my own life, apart from one just defined by work, that I began to really feel like I was living again.

And as far as the impact on the kids--I only have one DS at the moment and this is the life he understands. He doesn't see it as weird or crazy that his dad is always working. It's his "normal." My job in all of this is to keep my own head on straight. I think the bigger danger is him growing up with a head-case for a mother than an ambitious father.

I know that if we didn't have kids dh would be working all the hours he could in his business. We'd probably have more money and still have time as a couple.

But we do have kids, and he wants to be with them. Most of the time

What works for us is that he comes home for bed and bath and then works from home for a couple of hours in the evening. Maybe schedules 1 or 2 late nights a week where he will come home at 11 or 12. The rest of the time he is available. And I can contact him if I need to. We don't tend to touch base in the day unless something important comes up.

I think long long ago I resigned myself to the fact that his long hrs were what they were and I would raise the babies.

Having known him for so long, I did not envision us having a working life like this, as I knew him before his good salary, and believe me I have some super memories of an easier happy life.

He LOVES hsi job, so he is not under undue pressure, it just seems like he enjoys the challenge and will do what it takes to prove to himself he can succeed. Wondeful, great, that he has such ambition and drive yes, and O now realise that he cant realistically text during the day

I'm back to my old 'it is what it is' thinking, and will lay off the pressure and find myself some other interests, and yes, I will be working again once youngest is in school.

Clearly it's about my expectations and yes, I will probably look back on this crazy time in 20 yrs and think what was my fuss about!

(and I have NO intention of jeopardising my marriage with an affair - I was trying to emphasise how important I think attention from absent DH is)

plus his hours worked here are NOWHERE near as long as his hours worked overseas - at least he is home before 10pm at best here

Have read some of the thread and will return to read the rest later. In interim, op I don't think YABU to expect him to get home early one evening per week, that still gives him 4 days to burn the office's midnight oil. I am assuming he has some seniority at work hence has the latitude and discretion to have one regular early finish without attracting censure.

Belle - are you sure you will be back at work when the youngest is at school? I didn't (although I would have liked to) since I felt one absent parent was enough. Generally in families where there is one partner working 60 hours plus per week - be it the wife or husband, then the other tends not to do salaried work since there has to be someone around to pick up the slack.....it's a bit unfair on the SAHP, I feel like my wings are clipped...

My DH doesn't work in finance and doesn't earn a good wage either but he is never here.

DD1 is 6 in 2 months and the last Birthday he celebrated with her was when she was 2. DD2 is 3 in 3 months and for the 3rd year in a row he wont be here.
He misses Christmas', Easters, Anniversaries.

Last year he was away for 9 months of the year. This year is better. So far he has been away for about 2 months in total.

Unfortunatly DH is in the forces so there isnt anything I/we can do.
It's hard when they're away a lot and you feel like your doing everything on your own.

I grew up in a household like this. My mother gave up quite an illustrious career to be a SAHM and my father worked constantly, was often abroad etc. When he was at home, he was often too tired/ worried about work to really engage with us. We had a lovely childhood, great education, lifestyle and so forth, but my father missed out on so much.
My mother returned to work when we were in our teens and her career never really took off again but she never regretted that. My father, on the other hand, now has many regrets. He often says so and it's really very sad.

my dh is very similar although doesn't have a very high salary. Alot of what you (OP) said rings true to me too - my dh compartmentalises his life, and feels unable to leave early, even though he could work from home. He also seems incapable of phoning or texting during the day which does annoy me, but he just switches off while he's at work.

In our case I do work, but that doesn't really help (although gets me out of the house) because I still am responsible for the family too on top of it all. and I am the one that is home on time, etc etc.

in our relationship too it causes issues, because I think DH chooses to always prioritise work when he could come home early. I wouldnt mind, but we dont even have the banking salary to compensate for this.

How far away from his work do you live OP?
If you've moved to the countryside and he's commuting daily, then I'd have less synpathy than if you're 'sucking it up' with him in the city.

OP it sounds to me that your feelings may have very little to do with your DH's hours, and more to do with your own self confidence and feelings of self worth.

You say you feel unimportant to your DH, and therein lies the rub. I know oodles of women who have husbands working very long hours and travelling abroad and they are broadly very happy. I know I am.

Partly this is due to my DH making sure I know how special I am to him. He has already sent me a funny email this morning, taking the piss out of a school email. He'll certainly call and text in the day.

But, and it's a big but, my happiness and self worth comes from me not him. I know I am valuable. I know I am successful at things other than domestic ones. Could it be you need to find somehting for yourself? Work? Study?

I agree wf DH often works silly hours and was rarely around for DCs bedtimes. However, he rings and texts frequently and is emotionally available. In return I don't dump on him the moment he comes throught the door and he rarely irons a shirt. I wash them then have a collect and drop off service for £1 a shirt. TBH if I was working long hours I would be pretty pissed off at getting up early to iron a shirt; if he wasn't ironing he'd have time to bring you a drink in bed.

Talk to him. Tell him you're lonely and would like texts, calls or forwarded silly emails in the day. Ask him to bring you a coffee in the morning.

he is on v good salary, works in city

That's why he's never there really. You have to earn mega bucks.

Agree with wordfactory.

I agree with wordfactory too, you have to find your own path and your own way to be fulfilled within the parameters of what your DH's job will allow. It's what I intend to do once my eldest DC starts school.

I love the analogy of a previous poster about feeling like your wings are clipped. That's how I feel.

I live in an affluent area close to London which is populated primarily by City workers, retired people, and also Army folks. The overwhelming majority of people here are female (SAHMs, widows and Army wives). I, for one, want to find more meaning to my life than popping to the gym or having a coffee with friends. That stuff can only sustain me for so long. It's been 3 years and I am withering.

My MIL seems to have sacrificed her career/life to be with FIL and support his career. He didn't repay her support very well. She is bitter. I see women like her around me every day. Let's not be like them, OP.

I know it's hard but I honestly don't think that getting in at 8pm from a day at work is unusual. If my DH is home at 8 I count myself lucky. We generally have Saturday evenings together and Sunday is a family day.

Because I'm here all the time looking after 4 dcs while he is out there travelling the world and doing really well, our lives can seem poles apart. It's really hard for us to get out together at the weekends as we have no one to babysit but we decided that Saturday night would be the night we would always spend together - just watching a film or having a nice dinner at home. It means that, at least once a week, our relationship is at tthe top of the heap.

HMC - you have put it exactly the way I feel it - even if I did go part time while both at school, there are still domestic things to sort, school events which ask for parental presence...what happens if he is in South America and I'm at work an hour away from school (as realistically, my commute would be to the city also) and something crops up at school?

Yes I could do the childminder thing, but just don't feel it suits our family, as yes with one absent but supportive parent, why should I make it 2 absent parents?