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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 13/05/2012 09:59

I'm with your DP - I think it's unfair and shows favouritism.

I realise there are circumstances (different fathers) but they have the same mother and if you openly appear to favour one over the other then I think it could lead to resentment down the line.

Any chance your ex would pay both fees?

Bumdrop · 13/05/2012 10:03

i think you should let dd1 go to private school.
Her father is willing to pay.
its a fantastic opportunity
its not her fault dd2 is her half sister etc ....
why deny everyone the chance when circumstances dictate that she gets the chance ??
I can see the dynamics here are tricky, but I would say go for it.

Bumdrop · 13/05/2012 10:05

if one child wins a scholarship to a private school, and the other didn't, it would be same as saying, well your sibling cant go, so its not fair that you do.
One rule for all, I think, is not realistic, flexibility is required !
regards x

CremeEggThief · 13/05/2012 10:05

Sorry, but YABU. You have to offer equal opportunities for both DDs. If you go ahead and send DD1 to independent school, you will have to make those sacrifices you talk about, so DD2 can go too.

Are there no other primary or junior schools you can look at, if you dislike the linked junior one?

Hulababy · 13/05/2012 10:06

However tempting I couldn't do it.
It would be different if you were happy with the junior school. But the reason you want to send DD1 to the private school is because you are not happy with it.

Nancy66 · 13/05/2012 10:07

Bumdrop - the scholarship thing is completely different. One child would have excelled at something not just had a rich dad.

And both children would have the same opportunities - ie of getting scholarships - in this case one girl has a rich dad and one doesn't.

trice · 13/05/2012 10:07

Do your best by dd1, whatever you and her df think this is. Worry about the rest of it later.

Hulababy · 13/05/2012 10:08

Bundrop - I think the scholarship thing s different. In that scenario you can offer both children the same opportunity - they get the scholarship from their own merits.

Sirzy · 13/05/2012 10:09

So you have qualms enough with the juniors to doubt sending one child there but it's ok for the other?

mangomadness · 13/05/2012 10:09

I sat entrance exams and scholarship exams for a very good private school, I passed and was accepted but didn't go. This was because my mother felt that it was unfair because my brother and sister may not be able to go. BEST decision made by her, I went to the local comp instead with my brother, sister was too young.
My mother was the child who was not given the same opportunities as her elder sister....no money in the pot for her. I think she made the right decision.

cluelessnchaos · 13/05/2012 10:09

I think I'd giver her the opportunity, you never know what will happen in the future and it might be more of an option for dd2 than you anticipate

Original poster
PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 10:10

Nancy I wouldn't dare mention it. He knows we're trying for DC3 too so it would be a massive ask!

I will use the scholarship argument on DP and see what he says to that (thanks!) but ultimately I am going to have to spell it out to him that parenting DD1 is mine and her father's responsibility.

OP posts:
Bumdrop · 13/05/2012 10:11

ok, yes scholarship is different.
However, I think what is getting in the way is :
your DP esteem -

and your guilt

about dd2 not being able to attend.
And I dont think those are reasons to prevent dd1 having that amazing chance.

CiderwithBuda · 13/05/2012 10:11

I think you would be setting off huge issues for both DDs, your DP and any future DCs if you send DD1 to private school.

I can understand your DP being upset. It seems like your DD1 is more important than DD2.

If it is so important how about you forgo the idea of another child and work full time so both DDs can go?

McHappyPants2012 · 13/05/2012 10:12

it's a catch 22, DC1 may resent her mum in years to come because she was denied the chance of a better education.

Bumdrop · 13/05/2012 10:13

ultimately I am going to have to spell it out to him that parenting DD1 is mine and her father's responsibility

spot on. good luck !

MoodyNagoo · 13/05/2012 10:13

Initially I thought YABU but actually I think her father has a 50% say in this. So he wants her to go, you want her to go, and the swing of it is that IMO you should send her.

I would never send DS if I couldn't afford to send DD, but your circumstances are different and you have to consider what her father wants for her too.

Born2BRiiiled · 13/05/2012 10:13

It depends on how much resentment and discord you are prepared to have down the line. If I was dd2 I'd be really pissed off later. She might resent you and her sister for a really long time.

catsareevil · 13/05/2012 10:13

Its utterly unfair to deny DD1 what you think is best for her. Why should her father be denied his wish to pay for her to attend a better school because of the salary of your DP?

WhiteWidow · 13/05/2012 10:14

I agree with ciderbuda.

It would be tremendously unfair.
If it were me, I would chose not to have the third child if it meant I could send them to the same nice school.

catsareevil · 13/05/2012 10:15

DD2 might be resentful anyway, if she knows that the option was there for DD1 even if turned down.

MoodyNagoo · 13/05/2012 10:15

mangomadness I am glad that you agree with your mother, but it's luck more than anything else that you do. If one child 'earns' the 'better' school then that if a very different scenario than parents giving more to one of their children.

Hulababy · 13/05/2012 10:16

As a parent I would find it far easier to explain to DD1 why I didn't send her to the private school, than to explain to DD2 why I felt the school I find too rubbish for DD1 was adequate for DD2.

StealthPolarBear · 13/05/2012 10:16

Sorry if I'm being thick but will your dd2 not end up in the juniors you don't like?

Lovelynewboots · 13/05/2012 10:18

I do know someone who was exactly in your position and chose to send her child to private school and not her other two as this was best for her child. From what I understand she is thriving. Not an easy decision, but you need to do what is right for your child and your ex's opinion is just as important.