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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
pinkappleby · 13/05/2012 12:26

Have not read other responses so I can give my instant reaction - it would not be fair to deny DD1 the opportunity. Given that I would move hell and high water to save to give DD2 the same opportunity.

If it really was beyond me to send DD2 I would see if moving to a better primary catchment was possible, failing that I would still send DD1 but would feel awful, sorry if that is not much help, but people with different parents have different opportunities and that's life :(

I think there is a risk of a real rift between you and DD1 later in life if you stop her going.

slowestwildebeast · 13/05/2012 12:29

I was ready to say YABU but I agree with posters who say this is really tough and I can see both sides. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I'd had a child by someone and wanted to send them to a private school, but my ex's partner didn't earn as much and so said I couldn't because her and ex's child couldn't go, that has nothing to do with me tbh.

But at the same time from your partners perspective, they are sisters, and one is going to gain (possibly) or be seen by the other to be having more opportunity. They however may not have this resentment people have mentioned.

I'd also question how much you can really afford dc3, if I was having to struggle with 2 then I'm not sure I'd have another one, what if the ex loses his job and can no longer pay for dd1's tuition? Will it not be very disruptive to take her out of that school/system?

I'm still on the fence.

bluebellsanddaffodils · 13/05/2012 12:32

I think you should send DD1 to the private school - all children/teens will be offered different opportunities in life, even siblings. They are individuals and should be treated as such. There shouldn't be an issue acknowledging this.

Just because DD2 doesn't get to go to the same school as DD1, it doesn't mean she won't enjoy some exciting opportunities in her own school life, and it doesn't mean she won't achieve just as high grades as her sister. Excellent grades are possible almost anywhere if the child is bright and the parents take an interest in education.

Don't feel guilty about it - their experiences will be different, sure, but that doesn't automatically make one better than the other.

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:36

but blue if private education isnt necessarily giving a better education/ school experience why do people pay thousands and thousands of pounds every year to send their children there?

And its all well and good saying that 1 might be academic and the other not- but private schools offer more non-academic activities also

i think dd2s dads opinion is crucial too-because if they send dd1 and not dd2 and he feels resentful/is upset that dd1 has opportunities that dd2 doesnt-then that could cause a rift

thirdhill · 13/05/2012 12:38

If the offer of a place came for DD2, but the chance for DD1 had passed, would DP object?

Mine went/go to a mixture of schools and it's not been/isn't an issue because they each chose what they wanted from a shortlist. It wouldn't occur to me to block the opportunities available to one because the others didn't have it or may not have it. We can't object to single sex schools so why object to other [legal] constraints? You may win the lottery in two years, nobody can predict the future. It is desperately unfair to use an adult's power to block a child's opportunities. That act will never be forgotten.

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 12:42

And DD1, though benefitting from having a private education, is actually disadvantaged because she doesn't live with her dad. DD2 has the advantage over her there.

seeker · 13/05/2012 12:43

What are the problems with the junior school?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:48

im not comfortable with the balancing of emotional advantages with eductional/opportunal advantages?

its not an explanation you could give to your dds is it? 'well see, dd2 has her daddy living at home and dd1 doesnt, so dd1 gets to go to private school and dd2 doesnt-thats fair' Confused

Its not dd2s fault that dd1s dad doesnt live with them Confused so why should she miss out on educational opportunities and be told it is squared on that basis

And those that are talking about giving different schools to different kids, because they have different interests/ want to go to different schools; what if when the time comes dd2 really really does want to go to the same school as her sister and is well suited to that school? she cant go because they cant afford it?

The problem is this is giving them different experiences/opportunites based purely on finances it has nothing to do with meeting the needs of each child as an individual

Solopower · 13/05/2012 12:49

Bejeezus, I don't think private schools are necessarily better - only in areas with huge social problems.

Tannhauser · 13/05/2012 12:49

What a difficult position to be in OP.
I hope you can find a solution that works for you all.

FWIW, I won a scholarship to one of the best girl's schools in the country, but my parents chose not to take it up in order to have dc3 (and 4 popped along too. I don't resent my siblings, bbut I do resnt the choices my parents made, but I think that says more about my personality than anything else tbh.
Only you know your children, and I'm sure you'll be making the decision in the best way you can.

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:51

every little girl would choose to live with mummy and daddy rather than go to private school Sad

I also think emotional advantages balancing educational advantages is quite cruel to dd1

probably more cruel to dd1 than unfair to dd2

crap-dont envy you at all OP-shame you dont object to private school fullstop; youd be sorted then [weak smile]

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:52

solo if they are not better- then problem solved-send both dds to local comp

LisaD1 · 13/05/2012 12:52

I faced a similar issue. DD1's Grandad is wealthy and has paid for her private school since she was 3 (she went part time to start with instead of nursery), I had left her dad by then and had no real plans for more DC. However, met now DH and had DD2. She now attends same private school as I just could not comprehend giving them different opportunities. We go without other things such as expensive cars/holidays but the costs of schooling are withing our means (just about!), we would not have been able to do this for 2 DC so it has actually worked in both their favours.

Personally, I could not offer 1 DC what I couldn't offer the other.

Having said that my DH was DC no 4 in his family and was the only one to go to private secondary school, as there was a 10yr gap and his parents could then afford it. His relationship with siblings is unaffected.

You have to do what you feel right for your family, it is definitely a tough one, good luck.

Born2BRiiiled · 13/05/2012 12:54

We don't know yet that one is "more suited" to private school, and the other is not. This is not about aptitude. It is about one child being offered a perceived, long term advantage. I would dislike my mother and elder sister if this happened to me and I felt it had had long term repercussions for my success.

WhiteWidow · 13/05/2012 12:54

I don't understand why the debate is going back and forward, there's a solution: just don't have the 3rd child and give the children you already have the equal opportunity.

Dozer · 13/05/2012 12:55

What if DD1's dad lost his job and could no longer pay fees, or had more DC?

Gentleness · 13/05/2012 12:55

What does ex think of your concerns?

Born2BRiiiled · 13/05/2012 12:55

There is only a couple of years age gap between them, so not a big enough gap to make the issue a non-issue.

Dozer · 13/05/2012 12:55

I would only send DD1 if could also send DD2.

BBQJuly · 13/05/2012 12:56

YABU if you're not going to give them both equal chances.

Vivicherryblossom · 13/05/2012 12:59

Why should dd1 be punished because you and ex split up and you set up a new family? If she has a good opportunity you shouldn't deny her it. Ignore the people who are anti private school ideologically. Don't make decisions on 'maybes' in the future. You might never have a DC3. You might see a great job advertised that you want but it is full time.

lunamoon · 13/05/2012 13:00

I would let her go.
Her father has a right to pay for her.
A lot can happen to a school in a few years and the junior school may improve. Or you may be able to save up and send dd2 private.
If you really want a third child then accept that sacrfices have to be made.

IslaValargeone · 13/05/2012 13:10

I too would send her privately. I don't think your partner should have a greater say in your dd1's life over her own father (who is obviously loving and caring rather than a responsibility shirking drop kick we often hear about)
They have different fathers, there will always be some level of inequality by default, but it wouldn't be right to deprive her of this opportunity.
If your dp is so concerned about equality then I think you should be re thinking your plans on expanding your family, something has to be given up, but it should be given up by you and your partner, not your children.

empirestateofmind · 13/05/2012 13:12

I agree with WhiteWidow. Why are you thinking of having another child? Work full time and use the money you have got to give the best opportunities to both your existing children. Having another one so that your finances are stretched looks like madness.

halcyondays · 13/05/2012 13:14

I wouldn't be at all comfortable with sending dd1 to private school if I couldn't afford to send dd2. I think it could cause a lot of resentment and bad feeling between them and a happy family like is much more important than going to private school. It would be totally different if they were offered a scholarship as that's about aptitude, but if someone is paying for them it wouldn't be fair. And if I wanted a third child I certainly wouldn't give up on that.

What's wrong with the junior school? After all, if dd1's father wasn't in a position to send her to private school, then presumably you would have sent her to that school or another state school.