to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

It sounds to me Flatbread that DP has been excluded from DD1's life. It's fine for parents to disagree about the time spent running around facilitating your child's activities. It's called having an opinion not being passive aggressive.

Yes, I read those posts but I didn't put the same spin on it.

Well, only the op knows what her dp is like. If he's the man you're describing with your interpretation of those excerpts then she should leave him.

It's so hard to communicate exact family dynamics in a few paragraphs online but for what is worth, I grew up with a selfish and resentful stepfather and I really do think that DP is more of a man than that. I read him this your reactions to my description of his behaviour (he admitted that he has been distant and purposefully disinterested of late) and has said he needs to sort his issues out and mend his relationship with DD1. I am not denying that he has acted badly but I don't think breaking up our family is the right thing to do.

I will broach the subject of bursaries if/when DD1 passes the entrance exam. DP admitted he finds the entrance process horrible and hates the idea of a child being judged as inadequate at seven but I have faith that they are both capable of it. Yes, 14K a year for prep! I couldn't believe it either but it has a good reputation. I checked the website and they are an educational trust so hopefully... Either way we are not making any decisions about DD2 now.

As far as DC3 goes, I am quite unsure if this is the right thing to do for our family and more selfishly, for me. I am too old to be considering putting off another baby but to be honest, all this talk about education has made me re-think my career. I had good state education by virtue of my parents working very hard to move to various catchment areas. This gave me a lot of opportunities in life and in recent years I have really compromised my career having children and am now doing a job that is way below my qualifications because it fits in well with DC's. I realise what my mother sacrificed to give me these chances and I suspect that taking another 4/5 years out with a third child will render me completely obsolete in my field. But that's probably a whole other thread!

DP and I have just about come to an agreement that this is the right thing to do. DD1 is going in for a taster day on Thursday. I really, really hopes she likes it and passes the exam. Thank you everyone for your advice!

As far as after school activities go, DD2 does not have to hang around for three hours on a Saturday! I drop DD1 off (ten minutes away) and then DD2 spends the morning with DP and I or her Grandma (DP's mother lives around the corner). She likes to watch DD1 at ballet (she will be starting too in September) but it is going to be more difficult as she gets older and realises that DD1 does more than her. It is easy to justify a four year old only doing one activity but not so easy when she is seven.

In response to a previous poster there is NO WAY DD1 will be getting her own pony! I am not committing my life to a temperamental four legged creature who may or may not throw my daughter off and try to kill her. (Okay, okay I grew up in a city but you get the idea!)

Petunia, you sound like a wonderful parent. This all must be so difficult for you! Glad that you are doing what is best for dd1 and for yourself, regarding your career.

All the very best wishes

Petunia, that's brilliant that you have come to an agreement and your dp has acknowledged that he needs to change towards your dd1. I hope it all works out and that your dd has a great day on Thursday.

Glad OP came back to update us.

This, for me, has been one of the most interesting threads on MN: you can see every person's point of view and I must admit I kept changing my opinion.

Agree, Gramercy. Not at all clear cut, this one, and I am so glad it's got you and your DP talking and positively reassessing the family dynamics and relationships.

I really hope it all works out for both your lovely daughters, OP.

Thanks for the update and hope it all works out for the best for all of you.

PP, Sounds like you're all on track to make a tricky situation work. Good luck with it all.

Glad you've sorted it out. There's never just one 'right' solution, is there? There's just a solution that works as best as can be for your particular circumstances.

Do ask about bursaries, but it's not quite as simple as it seems. Your assets can also be taken into account, so if you have equity in your home some schools may expect you to use some of that equity towards funding part of the school fees.

The sibling discount is usually only about 5%, so a saving of only about £600 a year on fees (assuming £12,000 for fees and £2,000 for extras). Of course some of the uniform can be handed down but at least some should be new so DD2 doesn't feel hard done by. Fees also go up with inflation, and as they progress through to higher levels at the school. Also, if they go to a prep school, then I'm guessing they will also go to a private high school, and their fees could be higher.

Good luck, glad it's moving in the right direction.

Totally agree with Flatbread & Gramercy. All the very best Op

Lovely to have an update :)

Let us know how she gets on on Thursday!