to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if someone has already suggested this.

I would go to the school, explain the situation and try to strike a deal for your DD2. Most independents already do sibling discounts so you would probably just be bargaining over how much it was. You might not get BOGOF but I reckon they would listen to how much you could afford to pay for DD2 if they knew they were getting DD1 on full fees.

Perhaps cross the DC3 bridge when you come to it as it is such an unknown.

Really? If I was DD1 and my dad wanted to pay for me to attend the school that seeme best for me, but my step dad wouldnt allow it because he couldnt afford to pay for his DD to go I would have been very upset.

upahill the OP said that her DD1's father was willing to pay for uniforms etc as well as the fees

I did see that early on and forgot to delete it when I wrote out the post.

I alway err on the side of caution and would be frightened that the dad may pull out of the agreement a few years down the line for whatever reason (his job fails, new family, a fall out whatever)

DD1's father has parental responsibility and so he has a legal right to have a say in her education, even when he is not the resident parent. He could take the matter to court if he felt strongly enough. Your DP has no say, in legal terms he is not really her stepfather as you aren't married, and even then he wouldn't have PR unless you made an application for it. So your DP has no right to dictate where DD1 should go, it is a matter for her parents and the decision should be made based on what is best for her.

I don't think you can really claim to treat the DC equally in this situation - after all, DD2 will grow up with the advantages of having her bio father living with her, while DD1 is split between two homes. If you were really insisting on equal treatment between them, you'd have to make DP move out for the situation to be really fair, which would be absurd.

trills non of those are comparible scenarios IMO

this isnt a day trip or a holiday, or because of an aptitude in anything. Its because 1 dd has a rich father and the other one doesnt

OP I think there are 2 camps forming here- and I think your decision will be based on which you belong to;

do you think its important that your dds are given the same educational opportunities?

Can you get something in writing, a legally binding agreement - I don't know if you can just posing the question ?

I'm in a not dissimilar situation and I got 3 for 2 on my children's fees, I also used DD1's maintenance to pay for DD2's education. However DC2, 3 and 4's grandparents have deposited a couple of grand in savings accounts for them that DC1 didn't get so I doubt any of it is fair when it comes down to it.

It's like stories you hear about people who won't even try to breastfeed their DC2 because it didn't work with their DC1, and therefore, wouldn't be "fair" to the DC1 to breastfeed the DC2.

I feel it would be unfair to the DD1 to deprive her of this opportunity.

Really?

Yes, lots of issues and I am not very close to my sisters. Things are better now but there are things that I thought my sister was being treated different and better than me. I'm nearly 50 now and things are still just underneath the surface and my mum still plays us off.

An awful lot of stuff has gone on!!
I was answering as honestly as I could.

I think that catsareevil has hit the nail on the head (page 3) by pointing out that the two girls already have unequal opportunities. DD1 does not have the opportunity to see her dad every day, to live with both her parents like her sister does.

That isn't anyone's fault, but it is a way in which DD2 appears to have an advantage over her sister. The fact that DD1's dad can afford to send her to private school is similar in that it is an advantage born of circumstances, not favouritism.

I think that a parent's responsibility is to do their best for each child as opportunities arise. When it is time for DD2 to go to junior school, you and DP will no doubt look at all of the realistic options and choose the one you think is best for her.

If you and your ex don't do the same for DD1 now, that's unequal treatment.

I dont think this is a question of denying your dd1 the opportunity. I think dd1 should go because her dad wants her too and is willing to pay for all of it. ANd you clearly want her to as well.

I think this is about whether you want to make sacrifices so that dd2 can go private or not? If you dont have dc3 and work part time you can do it? and explore funding opportunites from the school...

That's a useful phrase OneHand

an advantage born of circumstances, not favouritism

Difficult situation, but I would send your dd1 to best school then think about the rest. Here in London lots of sets of siblings go to different schools esp secondary.

I went to a terrible state secondary, my brother went to private. I have no issues with it, my parents could only afford 1 fees. We don't have much in common my bro and I, but interestingly that is because I am a professional, postgrad degree educated and he didn't finish school and is a manual worker, not the other way round! Neither of us really fit in to our schools!

Maybe my examples were not good ones, but if you are planning to deny both (or all 3) of your daughters any advantages born of circumstance then I think that would be very unreasonable.

Do you think it's important that your DCs are given the same educational opportunities?

I don't - I think it's important that each of my children individually is given the best opportunity that is available to them.

What a dilemma! Haven't read the whole thread but I think the relationship between your two children is the most important thing - more important even than their choice of schools. It is what will sustain them when they are older and you are no longer there.

It seems that there is already quite a lot of inequality in their uupbringings, and I wouldn't make it worse. It could sow the seeds of a highly problematic relationship which would rob them of the chance of being close.

Also, especially at primary school level, most primaries are lovely places. You could put off the decision until the child is 11, by which time you could have had another baby.

If you're not married, then I'd say it's not your partner's business what you do with your elder daughter.

In your situation, if I really wasn't happy with the state school (if I was I'd tell my ex to save his money and I'd send them both there) then I'd either move house so that I was near a better school, or I'd work longer hours and send both children together.

Don't forget that senior schools' fees are much more expensive than junior school fees.

I wouldn't have another child in your circumstances. I think I'd be looking at moving house in time for senior school.

A junior school can change a lot in three years, so could your family's circumstances.
And if I was the child's dad, I don't think I'd be happy that my ex's partner could effectively have more say in my child's education than I did.

Btw, similar situation in my family, and the more privileged upbringing of two girls has caused great difficulties for the third. Glad to say she has overcome it, but she still hardly has a relationship with one of her half-sisters, which is very sad.

Another thing I feel I should mention because I've been there myself and regret it.
Don't have DC3, DC1 will have just her mother in the house and two other children will have both their parents, together and each other.
There's been many a ho ha in this house which has been two against one and it's heart breaking. And then there's the fact that we got two blonde and one dark just to ram the issue down her throat, the fact that they are all like their dad's personality wise.

Wow, this is a tough one.
I had a scholarship at a very good public school, got good GCSEs, A levels and degree.
My sis isn't at all academic, she went to comp, no further education etc.
I have a good job, she has a none skilled job.
But there no animosity at all. She used to skive and shag meet her bf, I was studying too much to notice boys.

I think my parents did the right thing. They didn't hold me back because my sis (older) wasn't going to do well.

I don't envy your decision as yours is a different situation to mine but bear in mind; what would you do if one was practical and the other was clearly very intelligent: would you hold the intelligent one back for the sake of the less academic one?

This decision might even come in the future: one gets good a levels & goes to Uni, the other flunks their exams and has to get a job...

Good luck in what you decide

There's your solution, op- just cut out your takeaways and you'll be able to send them all private!

I would not hesitate to send dd1.

Having initially said no, it's not fair to your youngest, I have to admit my younger sister hated the independent school we both went to, and would probably have been a lot happier at the local comp. She's not less academic, btw, we both have degrees - but she hated the school, rebelled, walked out when she was 15 and too big for our Mother to manhandle (and I'd left and gone to university) and managed to evade the truancy officer long enough that she'd turned 16 by the time they caught up with her. She had a loooooong rebellion that lasted until her mid-20s!

BUT that's not the issue here - it's not a school that's wrong for your youngest, your concern is the middle school is wrong for both of them.

I'm now thinking there are two issues here.

Do you let your ex provide the best he can for his child?

And

How do you and DP look at providing the best for your child together?

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed any details but: YANBU! Your DD1 is yours and ExDp's and if he can afford to send her to private school then he should. I don't think it's unfair on DD2, it just different! It would be more unfair to deprive your dd1 of the opportunity.

Also, with most private schools round here, once dc1 is in, there is a reduced rate for dc2, more for dc3 etc. could that be similar on your area? Also, any scholaship program's available?

Don't let DD1 miss out because of your DP.