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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
oopsi · 13/05/2012 10:18

If YOU were paying for one and not the other then you would be being unfair.

But thi situation is a no-brainer. You have to help each child make the most of every opportunity offered to them.Not drag them down to the lowest common denominator.

MarySA · 13/05/2012 10:21

I wouldn't usually agree with sending one child to private school and the other to state school. However, if the father of DD1 is willing to pay then I think she should have the opportunity. Your circumstances are different and I don't think your daughter should be denied the opportunity.

Runoutofideas · 13/05/2012 10:22

I would speak to the school regarding the circumstances. There may be sibling discounts or bursaries available which might mean that dd2 could go too. If I were in your shoes I think I would send dd1 and then move heaven and earth to get dd2 in there too, putting on hold the idea of dc3 for a while.... Tough one though.

difficultpickle · 13/05/2012 10:22

mango why on earth did you sit scholarship exams if your parents wouldn't allow you to accept the place when you passed? That's so terrible.

I would allow dd1 to go to the private school. Why should she be penalised and denied opportunities because of choices made by her step-father?

I wonder what your dp would say if the situation was reversed and he was the one wanting his dd to go to private school but dd1's father disagreeing?

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2012 10:23

My two DCs went to different secondary schools as one passed the 11+ and the other didn't (and would have hated to have been separated from the friendship group anyway).
However, what you are proposing is totally different. If your local junior school is so bad that DD1 shouldn't go there I cannot understand why you are comfortable with DD2 and potential DC3 going there!

I think if you let DD1's father (and also you by default) treat her so differently from her siblings, you are storing up a lot of resentment from the other children and their father.

Not to mention the logistics of two different junior schools plus possibly an infant school as well.

I wouldn't do it.

ChitChatFlyingby · 13/05/2012 10:25

Your DD's DF has as much right to decide whether she goes to a private school as you do.

The fact that you don't have to pay for any of the education for DD1 means you will have far more money to spend on DD2 than you otherwise would have. Don't underestimate the cost of school trips, even at the local school. I suspect it would cost you a LOT more to not send DD1 to the private school if you have to chip in for trips and uniforms.

And you yourself have said you COULD send DD2 to a private school, but you would have to change your plans. So it's you and your DH who truly have the choice. No one can have EVERYTHING they want.

rhondajean · 13/05/2012 10:25

I think you do it.

You had two children with two men with different financial situations, that's the facts here, both are good parents but one can materially provide more than the other and I'm sure it wont just be schooling that applies to.

Fwiw I had a similar dilemma where dm offered to send dd1 private but didn't mention dd2. Dd1 refused to leave existing friends, her school is very good anyway and I spoke to dm about supporting her through uni instead so all happy. But my point is that I'd it had been the best thing for dd1 I wouldn't have hesitated to send her. Because it would have been best for her and I believe you make decisions for your children based on existing resources and what is best for them.

You will need to be delicate with des ego though [ grin ]

ChitChatFlyingby · 13/05/2012 10:26

Oh and how resentful do you think you DD1 would be towards her Step Father when she realises it is his fault that she didn't get to go to a private school?!

difficultpickle · 13/05/2012 10:28

I wonder what posters would be saying if your OP was about sending your dcs to two different state schools? I have friends whom have chosen a mix of state/private for their dcs. Nothing to do with scholarships, just what was right for the particular child. No resentment by siblings on choices either.

McHappyPants2012 · 13/05/2012 10:29

will he be paying child maintance on top of the school fees.

edam · 13/05/2012 10:32

I think it would be horribly unfair to send dd1 private and leave dd2 at a school that you aren't happy with. If the local junior was fine, there might be room for discussion on the grounds that dd1's father can afford it, although it would still be unfair and maybe create resentment later on. But given you don't think it's a good school, it would be terrible. Either you go back full-time and drop the idea of a third child to afford fees for dd2, or you send both of them state.

TidyDancer · 13/05/2012 10:32

I'm not sure how I feel about what decision should be made, but I don't think 'spelling out' that parenting DD1 is not your DH's responsibility (which is essentially what you are intending to do) is going to help the matter at all. That's like saying his opinion doesn't matter one iota. Yes, the ultimate decision what to do lies with you and your ex, but I think DH has a say in this.

upahill · 13/05/2012 10:33

Not a chance on earth would I give one of my children a hugely different advantage that the other one wouldn't have.
Sure your kids have different fathers but they have the same mother who is allowing one to have a potentialy better start in life but you are saying tough luck to the other.

That is a shit thing to do.

No doubt the private schools round your way will be same as the ones where I live which have trips to Greenland, Africa and Norway and the like (which have to be paid for) while the state schools go to Euro Disney.
That's going to go down well!

Hulababy · 13/05/2012 10:33

I don't think it is just the different schools thing though.

It is the fact the the junior school is deemed not good enough.
So DD1 one gets to not go.
But DD2 still has to go the not good enough school.

If the alternative school was also a good school the issue of different schools wouldn't be a problem.

rhondajean · 13/05/2012 10:38

I think there are going to be lots of issues like this over the years to come though, cars, gap years, de

QuestionTime · 13/05/2012 10:38

This thing of advantages will come up sooner or later at some point anyway. It's inevitable with different fathers. What happens if in 15 years time Dd1's dad wants to help her with the deposit for a house? Would you say no cos that's also not equal.
For what it's worth I would defo send her private.

DPrince · 13/05/2012 10:39

No I wouldn't. Simple really. Your dds are already separated by the money. If the junior school is good enough for dd2 then it is for dd1, imo.

thebestisyettocome · 13/05/2012 10:39

I would arrange a meeting with the head and be honest about your situation. Start the conversation by asking for their 'advice' and 'experience'. In order to get the fees they may offer a good discount for dd2. If they don't, I probably wouldn't send dd1 to the private school.

missmiss · 13/05/2012 10:39

I would send DD1 to the private school, go back to work full time a d send DD2 as well. You yourself said that the junior school is rubbish and you like the private school a lot.

I agree with whoever said that the choice is yours and your current husband's regarding DD2, more than yours and your ex' regarding DD1

StealthPolarBear · 13/05/2012 10:40

Yes, while I'd worry about the inequality about the 2, your ex has an equal right to say where his daughter goes to school. So it's a difficult one. TBH given you hate the junior school I'd just make the sacrifices to send them both to the same school

rhondajean · 13/05/2012 10:42

Oops sorry deposits for houses, op can't change the fact one parent has more disposable income than the other.

How will dd1s father feel if he isn't able to give his child the best he can? Don't know if that's been mentioned yet...

WineOhWhy · 13/05/2012 10:46

Your DDs are in different positions. One gets to see both parents everyday. The other (I assume) does not. Given your views on the junior school, I think you and your DP need to think hard now about what you will do when DD2 gets to that age. If you would be minded to move, for example, you should think about accelerating that. If you would be minded to just put up with it, then I don't think it is fair to DD1 or her dad to deprive her of the opportunity, given that her and DD2 are not in the same position in other ways. I am not saying that the fact that she does not live with both parents means that she needs to be compensated for this (it sounds like you all manage this well), I am just saying that she may be resentful that differences that work in her favour are taken away from her on the grounds of equal treatment, whereas other differences remain.

I can see it is very hard though, which is why I think you first need to figure out what you are going to do about DD 2's education, in case you can come up with a fix that works for both. Where does your DP think DD2 should go to school once she gets to juniors?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 10:47

It would be doing your dd1 a massive disservice to deny her an opportunity that is available to her, and it would be extremely unfair both on her and her Father.

I understand where your DP is coming from, but like my husband, there are certain things that you have to deal with when you get involved with someone who has a child and a co parent and this is one of them. Your dp is going to feel horrible, his ego and manhood will take a massive bashing if you alow the other father of your children to provide more than he can, but he's just going to have to deal with it. It woudo show him as a much better person if he could swallow his own pride and allow (not that its up to him to allow) his step child to do what was best for her.

If my ex tried to stop me from providing what was best for our children because he couldn't provide the same for his subsequent children, I wouldn't even entertain his complaint. Your ex has way more right to a say over what school your dd1 goes to than your dp, and nothing shudo stop him from doing what is right for his child, especially the fact that his ex has a dp with an inferiority complex.

Your dd2 has the benefit of growing up with both her parents living together, she will have another full sibling. Your dd1 doesn't have that and going by your dps reasoning, that's not fair either. I think your dp is being very selfish, and it's up to you to stick up for your dd1.

ErikNorseman · 13/05/2012 10:47

I don't think it's a good idea. It marks them out as different.
I went to private school - half bursary and the gps paid the rest. The offer was only available to me for some reason as I had academic potential and my bro didn't. He doesn't seem to have resented it - but now we are both adults I can't see why his academic potential was any less than mine. Maybe with different expectations and nurturing he could have achieved as much. Private education is Often better than state (sorry) and it does often lead to better results and potentially more opportunities. It's not fair to offer that to one child over another if they live in the same family.

timetoask · 13/05/2012 10:47

I think that considering your girls have different fathers, and they both live in the same house, it is even MORE important to foster a good sisterly relationship between them. In the long run, if one gets a better education than the other, there will be huge resentment. Family is important, you want them to be good friends.

Since the junior school is not good, I don't understand why you would want dd2 to go there. I would either go to work full time and send dd2 as well, or send them both to the local school. DD1 father could spend the money enhancing her education in other ways maybe.